Russia or Prussia x Depressed Reader
by I-love-Russia-da
Summary: Reader x Russia story, and Reader x Prussia! The reader used to self-harm but stopped for Russia, but what happened if Russia says something that hurts the reader in the worst way possible, and then does the worst betrayal he could towards the reader, keep reading to find out what happens. Review and tell me who you want the reader to be with WARNING TRIGGERS FOR SELFHARM and RAPE!
1. Chapter 1

**This is a Reader x Russia story, but it could change if I decide to change the plot. The reader used to self-harm but stopped for Russia, but what happened if Russia says something that hurts the reader in the worst way possible, and then does the worst betrayal he could towards the reader, keep reading to find out what happens.**

 _Me: "hey Russia come here"_

 _Russia: "da" *walks to us*_

 _Me: "do you mind telling these amazing people to read this"_

 _Russia: "da," *looks into your eyes*_

 _Russia: "Become one with Russia, da?" *he says as he smirks*_

 _Me: "no! thats not what I meant, I meant ask them to read it- ahh just forget this, and lets get to the story now shall we"_

 **WARNING TRIGGERS FOR SELFHARM!**

You look down at the book you had started to read today, you were sitting on your bed eagerly reading the short novel, hoping that the two main characters won't end up together, because you hated romantic cliché stories, and the only reason you were reading this was because your best friend, Gilbert had lent it to you, and he thought you would like it.

You put the book down and gazed up at the ceiling, this room was not as comfortable as your room at home, but it was nice. Ivan, your loving boyfriend of 3 months tried to make it as comfortable as he could. But there are some things he couldn't change, like the freezing wind that would flow into the room, through the window. But because you loved him, you didn't mind it that much.

You continued to read the book, as you wondered about what you should do today. Maybe you can go and visit Prussia and his brother, but that would just piss Ivan off. He hated Prussia, and he never liked it when you went to his house. You shook your head as you started to read the book again, and a soon as you turned the page, you heard Russia running up the stairs and crashing into your room.

He took one look at you, and gave you one of his famous adorable Russian smiles. You smiled as you continued to read the book, it had just started getting interesting and you had promised to return the book tomorrow. You saw from the corner of you eye, how Ivan smirked and started taking off his coat, leaving him in just his white shirt, with a few buttons undone, leaving some of his gorgeous muscle chest in view. You started to blush as you tried not to look up at him.

He sat down next to you, as he started kissing your neck. "I want to play, da?" he said in his thick accent as he pushed you back onto your bed. "Babe, I'm reading" you whined but you didn't sound too upset when Ivan softly started kissing your lips. You moan as his tongue licks your teeth, asking for entry. You open your mouth willingly as he slips his lounge inside. He then suddenly pushes away and stares down at your crimson face.

You realize that he starts to undo your top few buttons on your shirt. You suddenly get slightly scared, because you didn't know if you were ready to actually sleep with Ivan. Even though you have been together for 3 months, you still haven't completed the deed. Because you were scared about what Ivan will say about the hidden self-inflicting scars you had on your body. You gasped as Russia, placed one finger on your cheek, and then slowly moved it down your neck, then rested it on your chest, fondling your skin.

"Your skin is so soft, I love how your skin is so smooth and pure... unlike mine which is ruined" he said as he looks away in shame. But then you place your hand on his cheek and turn his gaze back to you. "You are beautiful, and your body is not ruined, you are a goddamn tiger and you earned your stripes. You don't have to be ashamed of your scars; none of your scars can make me love you any less." you say while resting my hand against his shoulder.

"I'm not ashamed of my scars; I'm ashamed at the world for not understanding." he falls into your hug, and then puts his arms around you. You stoke the scar you can see on his chest, and you wonder what battle he had to go through to get this.

His scars were beautiful unlike yours. Yours just showed how week and pathetic you are, while his showed his bravery. "I love how you have no scars, I would hate it if you had any scars, I love you cause of your pure you are" he says not knowing how much those words make you want to die.

You push him off you, and look at him angrily. He falls off the bed, and then looks up at you in confusion. "What's wrong (Y/N)?" he asks as you turn your back to him, because you don't want him to see your tears. "Leave right now" you say quietly as you feel the hot tears rolling down your face. "But..." he doesn't have a chance to say another work before you start screaming at him.

"GET THE FUCK OUT! JUST LEAVE! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE ANYMORE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" You shout as you realize how much you must have hurt him. But it doesn't matter right now, because you were in pain too.

"Okay" he said sadly as he leaves the room. You walk into the bathroom and look at your reflection in the mirror. You realize that you haven't been hurt this badly by such words in a long time, you remember the day you had stopped cutting yourself.

It was the day that Ivan had told you he loved you, and he would never abandon you like everyone else did. And you stupidly had believed him, but what about now; he will never truly love you. Once he finds out about the scars all over your legs, how can he love you? How can anyone love a girl with scars?

"I would hate it if you had any scars"

"I would hate it if you had any scars"

"I would hate it if you had any scars"

The voices keep screaming in your head as you try to think of a way to stop the pain, you walk back to your bed and you were just about to grab the hidden blade, but then suddenly something stopped you. You realized you were stronger than this, instead of taking the blade you just lay down on your bed, as you cry yourself to sleep.

(Couple of hours later)

You open your eyes when you hear a cat screaming, you yawn as you look at the time. It was half 9, you had only been asleep for an hour. Suddenly all the memories came rushing back to you, you feel a sense of guilt as you realize the horrible stuff you had said to Ivan, and he didn't deserve it. He didn't know what he had said was the worst thing he could ever say; he was trying to be nice. You decide to go find Ivan, and apologize to him for what you had said.

You get out of your bed and put a warm sweater on as you leave your room, and start walking towards Ivan's room; you look around the corridor to see empty bottles of vodka everywhere. Then you realize that Ivan must be drunk, you knew this was bad. Ivan only turned to getting drunk when he was in real pain, and just wanted to forget everything, the last time he had gotten drunk was when he lost a war.

You nervously take a closer step towards Ivan's room, before you get stopped by Lithuania. You smile at him, he was one of your many friends at this house, he was very kind and in return you were kind and gently to him. But you were confused at why he was blocking your path.

"Is something wrong?" you ask. He tries to smile as sweat starts pouring down his face. "Nothing's wrong, why would you say that. It's just that Russia isn't here... He went out hunting" he says a bit too quickly. "I think you should return to your room" he said, and you were about to until you heard some moans coming from Russia's room.

You carefully push Lithuania out of the way as you slowly open the door. What you saw in the room made you want to die, you wished the ground would just open up and swallow you, and take all the pain away that you were feeling right now. You view goes cloudy as you look at the scene in front of you.

Russia was on his bed. He was naked. He was thrusting into some other girl. You couldn't believe your loving boyfriend would do something like this. How could he hurt you like this, and he probably won't remember a thing tomorrow because he is drunk. You then realize the girl is china, (I know china is a boy, but for this story china isn't) she has hated you since the start. She was Ivan's ex-girlfriend, but they had broken up a while ago and it was common knowledge that she still loved him.

Russia had his back to me as he thrust deeper inside her, but she didn't. When she realizes you was standing there, she smirks at you as she starts to moan louder and scratches at Russia's already scared back, he moans as well as she gives me a look, meaning 'he is all mine now.'

You hear a heart breaking scream, and then a few seconds later you realize that it had left from your mouth. Suddenly Ivan turns around and looks at you. It's like he doesn't recognise you but that didn't matter because you just start running, running as fast as you could towards your room.

You locked the door behind you, as you lean against the wall and slowly fall to the ground, you wrap your arms around your knees bringing them closer towards you, as you cry. You had decided to keep Ivan forever, you were going to get married and grow older together. He wasn't meant to get cheat on me, he wasn't allowed to, and it wasn't in your plan.

But somehow he had. Fear rises up inside you as you realize he might never love you again like he did before; he will never want to be with you again because he has chosen her. You close your eyes to stop the tears from forming; there are thousands of things you need to say.

You feel the darkness closing in around me, choking my heart. Your hands shake uncontrollably as you try to picture life without him and your knees attempt to give up on you, threatening to fall asleep on you as you tried to get up and walk towards the hidden blade. What was the point of being strong now?

You felt a single tear slide down your cheek and you sat up, reaching for the blades you kept under your bed. You rolled up your sleeves to reveal row upon row of cuts and scars from different stages of healing. You bit your lip and pressed the blade to an unmarked patch of skin, feeling the relief flood through you as the blood slowly trickled out of the new wound.

So you cut again, and again, and again, feeling better and better each time until you were emotionally drained. Then you started cutting on your thighs cause your arms were not enough, you cut again every cut sent an adrenaline rush to your brain while sending a shiver run down your spine, making you forget everything... but the pain.

The blood slowly escaped my cuts in small circles, and was rolling off your leg. The blood drops fell on to the floor creating a puddle, you forget about it as you lay back down on your bed as you let the pain take over, and force you into a sleep.

 **Thank you for reading this :) and I don't know if I should continue this, so if you think I should... vote on this, or leave a comment if you have any time. Thank you for your time and attention.**

 _Russia: "why did you make me the bad guy" Ivan says as starts to pout._

 _Me: "I'm sorry but it will get better soon, I swear on my heart. You won't be the bad guy for long. Will you forgive me?"_

 _Russia: "da" he says happily as he gives us a hug._

 _Me: Also If anyone of you need anyone to talk to, or are having any problems involving self harm, then you should know that I am here for you and you can talk to me because I know what it is like, you can message me on whatsapp and no matter what time I will always reply. My number is 07966170701, and I live in the uk so maybe you have to add +44 infront of it or something._


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING SELF HARM TRIGGERS!**

 _ **Me: "Hey Prussia, I decided to add you into this story. What do you think?"**_

 _ **Prussia: "It depends how awesome I am in it"**_

 _ **Me: "You are pretty awesome"**_

 _ **Prussia: "Good, let's read it"**_

You had just closed your eyes, and then suddenly... you are awake again, frozen to your bed. Your eyes start darting around the room. The darkness seems darker somehow, oppressive. Was that a movement over by the door? Or just your imagination. Heart pounding, the dream replaying in your head. You turn your head to the side to look at the time; it was a few minutes left until midnight. You decide to stand up and as soon as you moved your legs you felt this dull pain run through your body, coming from your legs.

You look down to see the dark crimson spots on your trousers, "shit" you say as you realize you were still bleeding and it was all over the bed. You went up to start cleaning it, thinking about what Russia is going to say… but then you freeze.

What was the point of cleaning it, he won't care if he saw it. He is with china now. You sit back down and think about what you should do. You can't stay in this house anymore, not after he… he... cheated on you. Then at that exact moment you decide to pack your suitcase and leave this place forever.

Within 30 minutes, you had finished packing and was now walking down the corridors towards the exit, you didn't have time to change your clothes, because you wanted to leave as quick as you could, so you just put on a coat and you even left your blooded clothes on, the trousers were starting to stick to your legs, but you tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling.

 _ **Where can I go?**_

 _ **What should I do?**_

 _ **Who can I turn to?**_

You were se deep in your thoughts that you didn't realize that Lithuania was walking in the dark as well, and you suddenly bumped into each other as you both let out a hiss of pain. Lithuania looks up at you in confusion. "What are you doing-" he stops talking when he notices the suitcase that you tried to hide behind you.

"You're leaving?" he asks as he looks up at you with a worried glance. You look away from his gaze, you didn't feel like explaining yourself, you just wanted to get away from this house as soon as you could, you knew that Russia was around somewhere, or maybe he was still fucking china. You shake your head violently, as if that would get rid of the images in your head.

"I know what he did was bad, but he was drunk… he doesn't know what he is doing… he will come looking for you in the morning feeling confused… and from experience china will be long gone… she isn't going to wait for him to wake up …" he stops speaking suddenly, as he knew that he couldn't persuade you when he saw the silent tears falling down your face.

"I guess this is goodbye (Y/N)" he said as he gives you an awkward hug. "I guess it is Lithuania" you say as he shakes his head. "This might be the last time I will see you, so please call me Toris" he said as you nodded.

"Goodbye Toris" you say as you return the hug and then leave him in the corridor as you walk towards the exit. You take one last look inside before closing the door behind you; you pull your coat tighter around you as the harsh wind runs through your hair chilling you to the bone. And at that moment, you knew there was only one place you can go, that one person who would comfort you at a time like this. You start heading towards Prussia's house, half running and half walking towards his house, hoping that he will be home, not out drinking with Spain and France.

After a while you finally reach Gilberts house, you suppose you can't call it his house cause it is his brother's house, but who cares. You knock on the door, hoping that Germany doesn't answer because you don't think you have enough strength to talk to him, explaining everything. You feel weak, like you are about to collapse in a few minutes, it could be from the loss of blood.

You smile as you hear Prussia voice before you see him. "hello-" he stops talking when he sees you, as soon as you see that face, you smile and close your eyes because you know you are safe now. Your legs give beneath you and you collapse into Gilberts arms, he looks you up and down with a worried look, but he doesn't say anything.

He carries you inside, to take you away from the cold. He carries you bridal style into his bedroom in the basement, and gently lays you down on his bed. You try to smile but it doesn't work, and all that comes out is tears. "What happened?" he asks as he wraps his arms around you, trying to comfort you. But you stay silent, and just continue to cry as you remember opening Russia's bed door to see him with…her.

"Come on, you can tell the awesome me" he says gently as he strokes your hair. Suddenly gilberts pet decides to fly into the room, and rest on your leg. He wasn't that heavy, but that small touch touched one of the open scars causing you to hiss in pain. Suddenly Prussia's eyes go dark.

"Did he hurt you?" he asks darky. He knew about Russia's past with other people, so he knew he was capable of. He also knew about your past, and why you self-harm. He was a true best friend, he was someone you could trust and he helped you through your depression once.

But you still didn't feel like telling him that you weren't strong enough, and you gave in to the desire. That you hurt yourself, because if Ivan- no Russia, he doesn't deserve you to call him so informally. You shake your head as he looks at where the bird is sitting, he doesn't say anything as he sees the blood still seeping through your trousers. He doesn't make you feel bad or anything, he just leaves to get some bandages, and some clothes.

He returns a few minutes later, and starts to take care of your cuts. He removes your trousers, and winces as he sees how bad it is. "(Y/N), why do you stay with him, if he hurts you and makes you do this, that bastard" he says as he starts cleaning and wrapping bandages around your legs and arms. You continue to stay quiet as you wonder about what you could tell him, should you tell him what happened, he is your best friend.

"Here is some pyjamas you can wear, I'm sorry if they are a bit big… they are mine and I don't have any other… I can get some of Italy's if you want, West always keeps a spare pair in his room-" he says softly, but you just shake your head slowly as you smile up at him.

"They are perfect" you say as you start to change into them. As soon as you removed your top, Prussia sharply turned around with a blush on his face, awww he was adorable. So shy and cute, but you didn't think any more of it.

After you got changed, you decided to snuggle under the covers of the bed and lay your head gently down on the pillow. "Good night (Y/N)" he says as he was about to leave, but then you grabbed his sleeve and he turned around to look down at you. "Please stay" you say desperately, you didn't feel like being alone tonight. The pain hurt too much, and you weren't referring to the physical pain.

He nods as he slips under the covers with you, you rest your head on his chest as he draws you closer towards him, and he strokes your head as you feel the rise and fall of his chest. "Do you want to tell me now, what happened?" he asked gently as he continued to stroke your head.

"Yes" you say as he cuddles you. "I was reading the book you gave me, when Russia appeared and started teasing me…" you say as you start to blush. "Keseseses I bet you went so red" he said as you blushed a deeper colour. "Anyway, he started saying some nice words hoping to compliment me but then he said something that really hurt my feeling, but he didn't know why" you said as you hid my face in his chest. "What did he say?" Gilbert asked as he looked down at you.

"He said he would hate it if I had scars, basically meaning he can't love me because of my scars on my legs. But he didn't know I had scars, so he didn't know how much those words hurt" you said as you continued to cry, Prussia knew you loved Russia, but that didn't mean he liked the fact. "So I told him to leave, and I didn't want him anymore" you said as Prussia laughed, but not in a mean way. "I bet Russia didn't like that" he said.

"So I decided to cry myself to sleep, I woke up later and I thought I should apologise because he didn't know why he hurt me, when I walked towards his room… there was empty vodka bottles everywhere, and when I eventually opened the door to Russia's room…." I couldn't continue as another round of tears left my eyes.

"It's okay if you can't continue" he said as you looked up into his red eyes. He really was amazing, why couldn't you fall in love with him, it would be so much easier then falling for Russia.

"No, its fine… I saw him… F-Fucking C-China" I said as I cried even harder. I could feel Prussia's anger as he stroked my hair. "I'm going to kill him" he said as he holds you tighter towards him. "It wasn't his fault… he was drunk" you say trying to defend him, even though you didn't know he even deserved to be defended.

"No, what he did is unforgiveable" Gilbert said as he shakes his head. "You aren't thinking of forgiving him are you?" he asked nervously, but his tone of voice still filled with anger.

"I d-don't know" you said, feeling unsure about everything. "You can't, he slept with someone else! While he is with you" he said in a loud voice. "But I suppose he has needs, you know. I haven't actually…" you trail off. "That doesn't excuse him, if he wanted to leave you he could, he didn't have to cheat on you…oh no! No one is allowed to hurt my best friend, and get away with it," he said as he looked down at you sadly.

"Let's continue this in the morning, I'm tired" you said as you yawned. His eyes went softer as he nodded and continued to cuddle you and give you some of the company you need. "I love you" you said as he smiled and replied "I love you too" he said. And you really did love him, just not more than a best friend's way, he was always there for you, he was trustworthy, he was awesome and you couldn't have asked for a better friend.

"Good night (Y/N)" he says softly.

"Good night Gilbert" you say before closing your eyes and dreaming about things that you could only wish that could happen.

 **Thank you for reading, and I am kind of interested in your thoughts about this story. Do you think the reader should forgive Russia and return to him, or leave him and find new love interest, maybe a friend who is already in love with her? Comments will be lovely.**

 _Russia: "I'm not talking to you, you hurt feelings" *places hand on heart*_

 _Me: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you the bad guy, look I will explain everything in the next chapter and you won't be the bad guy-"_

 _Prussia: *Prussia walks into the room looking angry* "hell no! You can't let the reader forgive him for what he did, he doesn't deserve that" *crosses arms*_

 _Russia: "kolkolko you like the reader don't you, da?"_

 _Prussia: "No I don't" *starts to blush*_

 _Me: "look let's just let the reader decide" *look you in the eye* "so who do you choose; Prussia or Russia?"_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Me: "Hey Prussia, I have written another chapter of my story, do you want to read it?"**_

 _ **Prussia: "No, I already know that you have decided to forgive Russia. Everybody forgives Russia, because he is always the one people feel sorry for"**_

 _ **Me: "how do you know, you haven't read it" *I say waving the chapter in the air***_

 _ **Prussia: *snatches it off me* "Let me read it then, and stop talking" he grumbles.**_

 _ **Me: "sorry, let's just get on with the chapter"**_

You moaned from the tapping sun-light against your face, and then you wondered how long you had been sleeping. You blinked, shut your eyes, and then blinked again. You yawned; then you managed to fully open both your eyes.

You looked at the alarm clock to your right and then you noticed that it wasn't the normal alarm clock you usually wake up to, the one that Russia had given to you on your birthday a few weeks ago.

Your vision started to go blurry as the memories of yesterday came rushing back to you in flashes. Russia's words! Opening his bedroom door! Seeing him cheating on you! Leaving him! Running to your best friend's house!

You tried to shake your head, to stop the tears falling down your face. You wrapped your arms around your knees as you started to rock back and forth. You wanted to forget about the urges, the urges you felt right now. You craved… no needed to feel the pain of the blade, the blood trickling down your leg as the adrenaline rushed to your brain, helping you to forget.

"(Y/N)" you hear Gilbert say sleepily, as you turned around to see him sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes, it looked like he woke up when he heard your sobs. You didn't know what to say, you both had shared an intimate moment yesterday, when you were vulnerable and you needed someone and there he was, and it made you feel new feelings that you have never felt before.

He suddenly noticed the tears falling down your face; he shuffled closer towards you as he wrapped his arms around you, making you feel safer and calmer. You closed your eyes as you rested your head on his chest, his muscled chest. He started stroking your hair again as he kissed you gently on your forehead.

"Don't worry about Russia; he will never get a chance to hurt you again! I swear on my awesome Gilbirds life that he won't get a chance to ever lay a single hand on you" he says as he noticed you shivering, he then got a blanket as he wrapped it around you instantly taking the cold away.

"I'm not worried about him hurting me… that isn't what I am scared of. It's just that even though he has hurt me like this… he has cheated on me… I still have these feelings for him… I still l-love him with all my heart and t-thinking about him is b-breaking my h-heart into a million pieces," you say as you cry even more silent tears.

You feel Prussia's body stiffen as you spoke, he must be feeling angry at you. He must be feeling disgusted by what you are feeling. What is wrong with you? How could you still love that monster after you gave him your heart and he stomped all over it?

"I'm sorry" you say.

"Don't you ever say that again, why you should be sorry for what he has done. You have done nothing wrong, you are the most beautiful, amazing and awesome person I know…" he says as he holds you tighter towards you, in a protective embrace like he was scared of seeing you leave.

"Most awesome person you know, huh? Does that mean I am even more awesome then you? The mighty awesome Prussia" you say as you laugh, he smiles down at you like he was considering how to answer your question.

"kesesesses! I'm sorry but you still haven't reached my level of awesome yet, but maybe one day with my help you will…" he says as you both start laughing, for the first time since you left Russia's house, you truly felt happy and joyful.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

You instantly stop laughing as you wonder who could be knocking at the front door, could it be… Russia?

"Don't worry, it's probably just my lame bruders boyfriend… you know you met him once. It's the pasta loving Italian" he says as you cuddles you. "Yeah I suppose" you say, but the scared feeling still doesn't leave your heart. You then hear some arguing as you hear someone coming down the stairs, towards this room.

You try and calm yourself down, but as soon as the door is opened you know that all your chances of being happy leave through the window; cause standing in front of you was Russia.

"Come here (Y/N) we have a long talk to have when we get back home, da?" he asked as he starts emitting a purple aura.

You don't reply, as you hide behind Prussia's tall body. "She doesn't need to return back to your house, if she doesn't want to… you communist bastard" Prussia says as he glares at Russia with his dark red eyes.

Russia just gives Prussia a deadly childlike smile as he advances towards Prussia with a metal pipe in his hand, you had no idea where he got it from, but all you knew was that you couldn't let Gilbert get hurt. You jump out from behind Prussia, as you stand between the two men as you try and stop this from escalating into a way.

"STOP!"

They both look at you shocked as they both freeze in their places. You step towards Prussia, and lay one of your hands on his chest. He was glaring at Russia, but as soon as he felt your hand on him, he stopped and gently looked down into your eyes. "Please, don't hurt him… let me talk to him for a few moments" you say as he nods slowly. You could see he wasn't happy about it, but he wouldn't say anything against your choice.

"If I hear anything weird, I will be back here before you can say 'become one with Russia' so you better not try anything with her, got it" Prussia says as he walks past Russia.

Russia just smiles at him, with his deadly eyes. Then Prussia leaves you alone with your ex. You look at the man that was standing across the room, the man you loved… or the man you love?

"Why you leave Russia alone?" he asked in a childlike voice, you could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke. He had no idea what happened last night, he felt like you had betrayed him, and when you looked into his eyes, you could see the tears he was holding in.

"You can't come here and act like you are the one in pain, okay? YOU are the one who hurt me! YOU broke my heart into a million pieces! I wanted to die yesterday; I wanted to take my life so I could stop the horrendous pain I was feeling inside… cause YOU HURT ME!" you shouted at him as you started banging his chest with my hands. He didn't say anything as he let you hurt him.

After a few moments of hurting him, you collapsed onto the floor as you started crying your heart out. He bent down towards you, as he looked at you sadly. "Russia, doesn't understand" he said as he looked at you oddly. He tried to hug you, but you pushed him away with such force that he fell backwards and landed on his back.

"Don't you touch me, when you have been touching… HER!" you shouted as he looked at you with confusion in his eyes. "Her?" he asked in wonder.

"YES…HER! THE GIRL YOU WERE FUCKING YESTERDAY! THE GIRL YOU WERE INSIDE YESTERDAY! THE GIRL YOU USED TO LOVE! REMEMBER HER! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT FUCKIN GIRL WHO YOU DECIDED WAS BETTER THEN ME!" you said as you stood up and sat down onto the bed.

"I knew you still had feelings for her, but I didn't think you would do this, I didn't think you would choose china over me! I thought you loved me! You told me you loved me, and then you go and do this!" you said as you closed your eyes and thought about the look you saw in Russia's eyes a few moments ago.

What was it? Shame? Anger? Regret? Love?

"I'm sorry… I don't remember… I don't know what happened" he said as he sat down beside you. He wrapped his arms around you, and you didn't have enough strength to push him away, you just fell into his strong arms as he stroked your hair.

It felt different, not how it used to. "You don't get to say that! You don't get to do all this, and say that" you say as you look up at him. Then suddenly you notice the tears falling down his face, he really did look upset.

"I know, I know…. But can you tell Russia one thing?" he asked as you nodded. "Why are you wearing Prussia's clothes," he asked as you looked at him oddly, and then you looked down at yourself.

You realized that you were still wearing Prussia's oversized shirt and baggy trousers. You could see how this could look like something it wasn't, it could look like you had spent the night with a certain boy and not in a friendship way. You were about to tell him that nothing happened, but then you realised you wanted him to hurt like you were hurting.

"you have no right to ask that after what you did!" you spat out, you stood up and started to walk away from him and before the words even finished leaving your lips… Russia had stood up and grabbed your arm and pulled you back towards himself. You fell back into his arms as he pushed you up against the wall. "What the hell?" you shout as he looks into your eyes.

You could see he wasn't thinking in the right mind. He was just lashing out because he was upset. He didn't know how to express his feelings, so he was doing it in the one way he knew how. He giggled as he watched you look at him with a worried stare.

"You are not Prussia's, you are mine" he purred the last bit as he started pressing his lean body closer to yours, you started to blush as he looked at you hungrily. He connected his lips to yours as he started kissing you, you moaned into his mouth before you realized what was happening.

"(Y/N), what the hell was all that noise?" Prussia said as he rushed into the room. His eyes enlarged as he saw Russia pressing himself up against you. "Obviously, your 'friend' and I are having some… fun…" Russia said as he smirked at Gilbert. He didn't look too happy to be interrupted, but on the other hand you were relieved when you saw Prussia.

"Fun my fucking ass! Get the hell of her!" he said as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

"No." Russia said pressing harder onto you.

"Ivan, please… leave this house!" you said as you gave a harder push making the Russian move away.

"Please leave… I don't want to see you anymore…. And I am not yours" you said as you turned away from him. You didn't want to see the sad expression on the Russia's face; you knew your words had hurt him deeply.

"Yes… I apologize for everything that happened… I hope one day you can forgive me" the Russian said, he gave no emotion to his words, just cold nothingness, but you knew how much he as hurting when you looked into his eyes. With those words, Russia turned and walked out of the house. He knew he had lost.

Prussia followed him with his eyes, as soon as he heard the door click close. He turned his attention back to you. "What the hell was he trying to make you do?"

"I... I don't know… let's not talk about this? I just-" before you could finish your words you felt your head go light and then the whole world went dark. The last thing you felt was Prussia's arms around you as you slipped into the darkness.

 _ **Russia: "You make Russia seem like the bad guy" *crosses arms and looks sad* "why don't you tell them I was drugged already, and I had a hallucination and I thought China was (Y/N)"**_

 _ **Me: "Russia, your ruining the story" *walk towards him* "and I'm sorry but I need you to be the bad guy, come on you have to admit Prussia is more likeable"**_

 _ **Prussia: "Keseses…. YES! (Y/N) is going to choose me and not you… see the awesome me wins again" *starts dancing***_

 _ **Russia: *gets metal pipe…* "I swear when I am done with you, she won't be able to love you" *runs towards Prussia***_

 _ **Prussia: *hides behind the author***_

 _ **Me: "stop it you guys, I don't think the reader wants you to fight. Let's just calm down and relax"**_

 _ ***Russia chases Prussia***_

 _ **Me: "I give up. Well see you next time but I need to go and make sure Prussia doesn't get hurt, bye"**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my lovely readers, and thank you all the people who reviewed, favourite and followed this story, it means a lot and it made my day reading your reviews. Plus I am sorry, but I kind of got carried away with this chapter, and its loner then my previous ones.**

 _Russia: "Can I read new chapter now, da?"_

 _Me: "I think it would be better if you don't Russia!"_

 _Russia: "why?" *tilts head and smiles*_

 _Me: "This is written in your point of view, and I had to write about… what happened to you in your past… with the Mongolian empire"_

 _Russia: *stops smiling, and shakes his head* "I don't want anyone to know about that!" he hisses._

 _Me: *runs to other room where Prussia is, and hides behind him* "I think it's safe now, here you go and read this new chapter..."_

 **WARNING- ABUSE AND DARK THEMSES!**

Russia's P.O.V (point of view)

The large beautifully decorated windows were locked, the sunflower curtains drawn shut not letting an inch of light or warmth enters the huge humongous house. It was freezing and dark inside the room that I was currently occupying but it was better this way, light only served as a distraction it only reminded of what I had lost, my little sunflower had left me for that stupid Prussia, just the mention of his name made me squeeze tightly on the glass bottle of vodka I was currently taking sips from. It was my 14...15 maybe 16 bottle... I can't remember.

But I still hadn't drunk enough to forget the pain I am feeling inside.

Don't I deserve to be loved, I gave her everything. I gave her my heart, I was patience with her, I gave her gifts and I complimented her and all she did in return was to leave me all alone in this house. I should have known she would leave me, everybody leaves me eventually.

My sisters have left me, my Baltics have left me and now my little sunflower has left me. I wiped away another tear as I took another sip of my vodka... It was the only thing that never left me... My loyal vodka.

She didn't even let me explain what happened that night; my memories of that night came back a few days ago. China had drugged me; I remember being upset when (Y/N) had told me she doesn't like me.

Then I went to my usual room to get some of my Vodka, I didn't plan on getting drunk but I just needed to taste the burning feeling in my throat, but when I took the first sip I Started to feel dizzy and my head started to bang.

But then (Y/N) walked in and apologized before kissing me and then we had sex, but now I realized that it wasn't her it was china, that bitch had tricked me.

 **SMASH!**

I threw the half empty bottle of vodka across the room in a fit of anger, when I remembered (Y/N) in Prussia basement, in his clothes. I watched as it hit the wall and broke into pieces... Like my heart.

I rested my head in my hands as I started to let the tears fall, I knew she was a virgin, but it should have been me! I should have been her first! What is wrong with me, I am a strong nation... And here I am crying over this girl. I stand up and walk towards the cupboard to get some more vodka; suddenly I catch a glance of myself in the mirror.

What I saw staring back at me, was so ugly. How could anyone love someone with so many scars? I stared at all my battle wounds, on my arms and also the one scars around my neck...I felt a shiver go down my neck as I remember the night that happened. I suddenly look at my reflection again, I see the man that pushed the only girl he ever like into the arms of another man.

 **SMASH!**

I punched the mirror, as I stared at the new broken mirror. I stare at the man, that man is me. I looked down at the blood in my hands, that's not enough pain. I deserved more pain for what I made that sweet girl feel. I rest my head on the mirror, and I close my eyes and try to calm down. But as soon as I closed my eyes, images of (Y/N) and Prussia rush to my head.

I start smashing my head against the mirror, until I could barely see anymore. Blood was rolling from my head downwards towards my neck, seeping into my coat. I start to wonder what it's going to be like to live the rest of my life without her; I never truly loved anybody until I met her.

It's only been a few weeks, and I already feel like I am dying. I even had to miss the worlds meetings so there was no chance I would see her with Prussia, he would only make fun of me as he holds my woman. I would give up everything for her; I would give up my nation to be with her again.

I tried to remember what her smile was like, I tried to remember what she smelled like… but I couldn't. Then I remembered that I haven't entered her room since the day she told me to leave. Maybe the bed still smelled like her.

I ran up the stairs, through the corridors towards (Y/N) room. I opened the door to see her dark purple bed, left like it was when she decided to leave me. I fall back onto the bed as I take a deep breath in, as I smelled the pillows.

 _Lavender._

It smelled like lavender, her favourite perfume that she always wore. Suddenly I remembered when she had first brought that perfume, it was one of my treasured memories, became that was the same day she had told me she loved me, but not to my face. I smile as I close my eyes, and let my mind drift back to that day.

 _ **(Flashback)**_

 _I was sleeping next to her, after a long day at work. She was upset because her pet died, and she wanted me to stay with her for the night. And I didn't mind, she had fallen asleep instantly as I had pulled her closer towards myself._

 _I was about to fall asleep myself, when I heard her mumble some words in her sleep._

 _"I love you Russia"_

 _She had said, but when I looked down at her I knew she wasn't conscious of what she had just said. She was asleep, but she had spoken what she was thinking. I had never smiled more brightly before that day. She loved me, my little sunflower loved me. I stroked her head as I whispered to her._

 _"I love you more (Y/N)"_

 _I remember kissing her softly on her forehead, as I smelled her perfume on her. It was intoxicating, and it made me feel so much more in love with this little angel. The next morning she had woken up alone, because I had decided to make her breakfast in bed. But I had burned everything, before I could fix it she had walked into the room with her sleepy gaze._

 _"What are you doing, Ivan?" she had said so lovingly._

 _"Trying to make you breakfast, but this stupid thing won't let me" I had said as I looked at her sadly. "Why are you making me breakfast, you don't have to you know" she had said as she walked closer towards me. "I do, isn't it what you do for a loved one" I said as I smiled at her, and wrapped one of my arms around her waist as I pulled her closer towards me._

 _"Ummm..." she started to blush, which just made her more adorable. "Loved one?" she said in a hopeful tone. "Yes loved one... because I love you" I said as I looked at her shyly. "I love you too" she had said as I leaned down to kiss her soft lips._

 _ **(End of flashback)**_

I opened my eyes, as the memory left my mind. That was one of the best moments of my life. Suddenly I realised that maybe Prussia is smelling her perfume, maybe he is telling her how much he loves her, and then she was telling him how much she loved him. I could imagine them laughing at me, the poor nation who was left alone all over again.

In a fit of anger I jumped of the bed and threw the mattress across the room, I was expecting to hear a soft noise but what I heard next confused me. I heard a noise that could only be creating by dropping a small piece of metal on the floor.

I turned around to see a small tin on the floor that could barely fit anything in it. It was the smallest thing I have ever seen. I picked it up and wondered what it could be, I opened it and as soon as I saw the components inside... I dropped the tin again as if it burnt my hand.

I fell to the floor as an older, darker memory came to mind...

 _ **(Flashback to Russia's childhood)**_

 _I wonder if I will ever grow to be a big strong country someday, maybe then the other nations would like to be my friend. I walked through the snow as I pulled my scarf tighter around me; it reminded me of my sisters... I miss them._

 _A few more minutes and I'll be home. The thought of the warm fire and some vodka made me smile. Suddenly I felt myself being pushed up against a tree with such force that made me want to scream._

 _I had automatically closed my eyes from habit so I couldn't see who was holding a small blade against my neck, so I didn't see anyone's face when I was knocked out._

 _(Few hours later)_

 _"Ugh..." I awoke to the feeling of extremely sore arms. I then felt a dull pain around my neck; I could see the dried blood that had fallen from my neck to my chest. That stupid bastard has slit my throat, doesn't he know that a nation can't die by that._

 _Dazed, I blearily opened my eyes and tried to see what was happening. I was lying on my back in a king-sized bed. As I looked around myself, I realized that I was in some kind of fancy hotel suite._

 _What appeared to be my long cream coat, along with my shoes, socks, and scarf, was tossed carelessly on the floor. I also noted that it was night-time from looking out the glass doors that led to the balcony. "What...am I doing here?" I mumbled softly. A dull headache pounded in my forehead, and I groaned._

 _It all came rushing back at once. The cold, the strange man... The knife. I need to escape! With a guttural cry I lurched forward, only to fall back in agony when my arms flared up in pain. I calmly rolled my head back and saw that my wrists were bound tightly to the headboard by a thick rope._

 _I tried to move my legs and tested the strength of my bindings; they wouldn't budge, even though I was small I was definitely one of the strongest people I knew. The only thing my struggling accomplished was chafing the skin on my wrists._

 _"I see you are finally awake, Russia~" came a sing-song voice to the left. I craned my neck to see the blurry outline of a strange man leaning over the bed. I instantly recognised him as the Mongolian empire, a ruthless man, or that's what I had been told by my sisters._

 _I snarled at the figure looming over me. "What the hell are you doing?! Let me go right now!" I jolted against my bindings again, but it still had no effect._

 _The taller male shook his head. "We haven't even started yet... I have been waiting for you to wake up. It has been nearly three hours, sleepyhead!" Leaning forward, he traced the contours of my cheekbones, causing my heart to cringe. "I must have given you more Ketamine than I thought."_

 _The Mongolian empire crawled onto the bed and sat on my stomach, pressing his weight down and causing me to wince from the pressure. He then trailed his fingers down to my collarbone and traced small circles into the skin._

 _I felt scared, I wanted to go back home. But one thing I had been taught was never let the enemy see your fear. So I spat at my captor's face, my eyes defiant and shining with resolve. "Go to hell!"_

 _The Mongolian empire reached up and swiped the saliva from his cheek with the back of his hand. He chuckled again and pressed two fingers harshly against my throat, effectively closing off the windpipe._

 _"Oh, little Russia, you have no idea what I have in store for you..." He pressed harder and harder with the intentions of making a bruise. "I am going to break you…" he said in a scary whisper. "How?" I had asked._

 _The towering nation leaned forward until our faces were merely inches apart. His voice dropped down to a low tone, barely above a whisper, as he stared down coldly into my eyes. He allowed a moment of complete silence, hot breath ghosting over skin, observing me as I squirmed uncomfortably._

 _"I am going to rape you." He released his fingers from my throat._

 _I froze. Suddenly I was silenced as he pressed our lips together, fisting my white hair and tugging roughly on it. I cried out in surprise and immediately started twisting and thrashing around in a desperate attempt to break away._

 _The Mongolian empire took this opportunity to slip his tongue down my throat, plunging it for all it was worth and tasting every corner and crevice._

 _My blood pounded through my veins, my adrenaline spiking to a high I didn't know was possible. After the initial shock passed, I wrenched my head to the side in an attempt to separate his mouth from mine._

 _"Get off me!" I choked as he playfully nipped at my ear and throat,_

 _The Mongolian empire smirked, licking my cheek and relishing in the shiver that coursed through my body. He grinded against my body, I felt disgusting and scared. Will anyone come to save me?_

 _It was hot in here. So, so hot. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't move, couldn't think straight. The Mongolian empire was quickly taking control, biting and licking and sucking and restricting to the point where I felt like my body was about to combust._

 _I hated this so much. I was being violated, and I was too weak to do anything- I couldn't push the other away or even break free from my bindings. I cried out in sheer frustration, muscles tightening at every point in my body as I kicked and flailed futilely. The Mongolian empire, in turn, smiled wider and dove in for my lips._

 _I gasped at the sensation of his mouth being invaded again, and my throbbing heart jumped each time the towering nation grinded against my body. I had never done this before, so I didn't know what was happening when I felt my lower parts tightening._

 _"Enjoying yourself, Russia?" the older guy teased, rolling his hips torturously slow and causing me to whine. Why is my body reacting like this?!_

 _"I hate you..." I breathed._

 _Suddenly a cold, smooth object was suddenly pressed against my cheek and slid down to just below my navel. My eyes instantly flew back open in shock. The Mongolian empire was caressing a long silver blade against my lower stomach, lightly dragging the metal across my skin. He cut me open and laughed as he saw the blood pool out in drops._

 _He cut me one last time before slipping it under my shirt. He tugged the weapon up, ripping the seams of the shirt with a frightening precision. Once the material had been torn in half, the Mongolian empire tugged it off to reveal my chest, now glistening with a nervous sweat._

 _I cringed under the others considering gaze. My breaths and heartbeat had become panicked. The Mongolian empire took me off guard when he slid his hand beneath my waistband. His fingers wrapped around my erection and thumbed the sensitive slit, lazily pumping the shaft a few times to further arouse me._

 _I shuddered at the touch, inhaling sharply. "Nngh...Fuck...Let go of me!"_

 _The Mongolian empire smiled at me as I looked away from his dark eyes. He stroked harder and breathed hot air over my ear. "Are you having fun yet?" he asked. I didn't reply, as I looked up at the man with a scared look._

 _The Mongolian empire continued to stroke me, I tried my best to block out everything-the sounds of skin touching hot skin and the bed springs creaking under their weight; the feeling of my cock in the others' hand and tongue twirling in my mouth, the heat that seemed to lock me in a chokehold embrace and muddle my thoughts..._

 _I was begging for someone to walk in and rescue me, I needed help. I am not a big and strong country yet, if I was I wouldn't be in this situation. My eyes enlarged when I saw what was happening next. The Mongolian empire was unbuckling his belt._

 _"Hmm. I think we've messed around long enough, yes?" He smiled down at me._

 _I felt my heart clench at the thought of what would soon happen if things stayed this way. I thrashed my arms with renewed force, watching in horror as the other nation unzipped himself and released his own throbbing erection. Grabbing my flustered hips, The Mongolian Empire pulled back and attempted to slide off my pants._

 _I resisted and shot my legs out with the remaining energy I had. By sheer force of luck I managed to land a hit square in the other's chest; The Mongolian Empire surprisingly coughed as the wind was knocked out of him. I took a split second to breathe, and then with the combination of my freed upper body and rushing adrenaline, I pulled with all of my strength._

 _The rope snapped. My wrists were still tied together, but now I had been separated from the headboard. "Finally!" I gasped out in relief. I swung my hands forward blindly in an attempt to land another hit, hopefully on that bastard's face. However I missed, due to the pain that I felt as I tried to move._

 _The Mongolian empire quickly recovered from the previous kick and pounced back on me just as his shoulder was grazed. He roughly grabbed my sore wrists, pinning them back up against the headboard at an awkward angle as he pressed his weight on my body._

 _He shook his head in disapproval. "Oh Russia, I had originally intended to make this experience very pleasurable for you," He loomed again over me, not quite seething with anger, but instead emitting a powerful aura that one could truly call terrifying._

 _He shoved my pants to my knees and slid his length eagerly, heatedly, over my entrance. "But now, I think I just want to make you hurt. I want you to feel what's happening to you."_

 _My eyes widened at the feeling of the older guys cock rubbing against my backside. No! In a last-ditch effort, I wildly struggled, kicked, screamed, pleaded-anything to prevent this from happening._

 _He couldn't do this! Not now, not here, and not in this way! "No...no, no, no! No! Please stop it! Please! I'm begging you, stop! STOP!"_

 _I wasn't exactly sure when the tears started falling._

 _It might have been the agonizing moment when the Mongolian empire was pushed inside me, painfully ripping away both my innocence and dignity; maybe it was when the huge man started moving, forcing himself in and out with such a brutality and shamelessness that no person with a heart would be capable of doing._

 _ **(End of flashback)**_

I lay down on the floor as I tried to forget that memory, I had tried so hard to forget that horrible day, but no matter what… something would always remind me of it. Why am I still scared of him? I went to war with him, and I won? I killed him? I destroyed him? So why am I still terrified of him?

 _ **Because you are weak!**_

 _ **Because you are broken goods!**_

 _ **Because no one else will want to be with you when they find out about your past!**_

"SHUT UP!"

I try to think about something else, as I look back at the blades. Suddenly a different though came to my head.

"Why were these hidden in (Y/N) room?" I thought as I stood up and sat back down onto the bed. I emptied the contents on to the blanket as I continued to look at them. There were twenty plasters, thirty razors, safety pins and some other sharp objects.

What did she do with these?

Suddenly my eye glanced to the dark crimson stains on the bed. I removed the duvet, as I looked at the bed sheets. I gasped as I saw all the blood stains on the bed, and then I looked at the blades and saw the dried blood on them. And then everything clicked together, and made some more sense.

She was cutting herself, she was hurting herself, and I didn't notice. No wonder she got offended when I tried to compliment her, I was trying to be nice, but now I can see why she was hurt by my words.

" _I would hate it if you had any scars"_

I am so stupid, why did I say that? I am so stupid. No wonder she left me to be with Prussia!

I shake my head, as I ran to my room. I fell onto my bed as I continued to cry, I needed to stop being a cold hearted person. I try so hard to be nice, but I only hurt people even more when I do. I don't even know why I said that, I would still love her even if she had more scars then me.

I grabbed another bottle of vodka, when suddenly I heard someone saying my name…

"IVAN?"

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**

 _Russia: "My past is sad, da?" *Russia says as he walks into the room with his head help low*_

 _Me: "I'm so sorry" *runs and hugs Russia*_

 _Prussia: "whoa, what he did was so not awesome… I'm sorry" *runs hand through head, and feels uncomfortable*_

 _Me: "I wish I could have helped you, I'm so sorry for everything" *cry's*_

 _Russia: *hugs me back* "it's alright, it's in the past… but what I want to know is who is knocking?"_

 _Me: "that's for me to know, and you to find out" *winks at reader*_


	5. Chapter 5

_Me: "hello, I'm back. And I have decided to write about a certain character in more detail, maybe he can help Prussia…."_

 _Italy: "It's me! I can help! Italians are amazing when it comes to matters of the heart, and I would love to help Prussia, he is a good friend of mine"_

 _Germany: "Italy what are you doing?" *walks in to see Italy jumping in the air*_

 _Italy: "I am going to help Prussia with his problem with his love! Do you want to help?"_

 _Germany: "NO, I don't need to hear about my bruder's love life"_

 _Italy: *whispers in Germany's ear*_

 _Germany *starts to blush and walks away with Italy*_

 _Me: "whoa, I can see what's going to happen with them two. Oh look they are heading towards Germanys room… let's leave them be and carry on to this chapter"_

You walk into Germanys house through the front door, Prussia soon follows behind you. You collapsed onto the sofa from exhaustion. Those 8 hour world meetings took the piss with America shouting about how he can solve all the world problems by creating a super hero, then there was England who would start lecturing America about how that was impossible while France tried to molest England... You could continue talking about the meeting but then we would be here all day.

But the worst thing about the meeting was that there was an empty seat next to mine... Where Russia should be. It's been weeks and I haven't seen even a glimpse of him. It's unlike him to miss 3 world meetings. Normally he would love to attend and play pranks on the other nations, but now he wasn't here and the room had felt somehow... Lonely.

You would hate to admit it but... You missed him. You were worried about him! You had heard about how his sisters have left to go on holiday or so they say and how the Baltics decided to leave him as well. He was all alone in that big house and it scared you. What could he be doing all day in that house?

Your thoughts were irrupted by Prussia as he laid a hand on your shoulder; you look up and smile at him as you see his pet flying behind him. "It's been a long day, I think we should get some sleep?" he said as he yawned, he looked adorable when he yawned so you started to laugh. "What?" he suddenly said as you stood up and walked towards the basement.

"Nothing!" you said as you giggled and started getting ready for bed, all thoughts of Russia disappearing from your head. "I'll be down in a bit, just going to go have a shower first" you hear Gilbert shout from the landing, you shouted a reply as you slipped into the comfortable silk beds. The awesome Prussia did have an amazing taste in style, you thought as you looked around the room.

You then leaned your head on the pillow as you slowly drifted off to sleep…

 **Prussia's P.O.V (point of view)**

I walk out of the bathroom after I finished drying my hair, no one likes sleeping with wet hair, defiantly not the awesome me. I change into my nightclothes as I walk into my room; I take one look at the sleeping girl on my bed and signs. This girl is messing with my head; maybe I should tell her how I am feeling.

It's been a while and she must be over that stupid bastard by now, how could she even be in love with him, it makes my blood go cold. Why do people like him, he is a murderer and a cold hearted psychopath.

I slip into the bed next to her as I wrap my arms around her, feeling warmer as her bods touching mine. But she didn't wake up; I sometimes couldn't believe how much of a heavy sleeper she is, there could be an invasion and she probably won't even blink.

I stroke her head as I think about her, and the stupid crush I have had on her for years. Well it isn't a stupid teenager crush, and I knew that. I loved her, ever since the day she had seen my vulnerable side, and didn't leave or run away, she accepted me and made me feel more loved then anything.

I think I am ready to tell her how I feel, I know if I don't tell her know then someone else will come along and take her from me. What does she like?

 _Flowers…_

 _Chocolate…_

 _Lavender…_

 _Presents…_

Maybe I can go shopping tomorrow at noon, and buy all these things but how will I do it? Maybe I can surprise her and tell her how I feel, it's not like she could refuse the awesome me, can she?

This is too much thinking, I shall ask France or Spain about this tomorrow, and they can help me get this girl, this sweet little girl. All she needs is someone to love her, care for her and protect her and I am the man for that job.

I was about to fall asleep when I suddenly heard (Y/N) speaking, I notice that she wasn't conscious. And she was sleep talking, and the words that came out of her voice, were like daggers piercing my heart.

" _ **Russia, I am so sorry for leaving you… I swear I won't do that ever again… I love you… please come back…"**_

I have lost, to him again… even though he isn't here and I have been with her all these weeks comforting her, and here she is dreaming about him. I suddenly feel such anger, and I knew that I couldn't handle hearing her speak any more, so I carefully and quietly slipped out of the bed and left the room.

I walked into the kitchen, and opened the fridge to grab one of wests special beers, he will probably freak out when he sees them missing, but who cares. Mein bruder is probably asleep next to his boyfriend.

I took a sip of the cold beer as I sat down on the sofa, I was about to take another sip until I heard someone coming up the stairs. I was about to leave the room, but then I just saw that it was the Italian, Feliciano.

He was half naked, and only wearing a long shirt on, mein bruders shirt. I shivered as I thought about how that had ended up on him. "Why are you still awake?" he asked sleepily as he rubbed his eyes. "I could ask you the same question" I replied as I relaxed and took another sip.

"I started to get hungry, so I decided to make some pasta, because Ludwig wouldn't let me have any yesterday because I missed training… what about you?" he asked as he sat down next to me. I haven't really talked to the Italian much, he was just someone who would always be here, but I did hear a lot about him from mein bruder.

"it's not important!" I said as I turned away from him. "Is it about (Y/N)?" he asked innocently as he placed a hand on me. I nearly choked on my drink as I heard him mention her name. "W-why would you say that?" I asked as I tried to ignore the pain in my heart.

"Because I have seen the way you look at her, it's like the way Ludwig looks at me" he says as he smiles. "That doesn't mean anything" I said as I stood up quickly, to go and get another beer. "It does because it means you love her, I can see it in your eyes and she must be blind to miss the way you look at her… Gilbert you know you can talk to me? Don't you know that Italians give great love advice" he laughed.

I think about what he had just said, what was the worst thing he could tell me to do. I might as well talk to him about this, it's not like he can make the thing anymore worse. "Okay, I admit… I am in love with her…" I trail off quietly.

The Italian jumped into the air and smiled, "yay!" he said as he ran towards me and hugged me. "That's so good, love is so good" he said as you pushed him away slowly. "I know, but she doesn't love me… she loves Russia" I spat out.

"How do you know she doesn't love you? Have you even told her?" he says as you shake your head. "Well exactly, you can't expect her to be a mind reader, you have to express your feelings so she knows how you feel," he says as he smiles.

"But how?" I asked with interest.

"Ooooh… I have an idea!" he said as his smile grew.

"Tomorrow you can go shopping and buy her favourite flowers, along with a few roses…. You can never go wrong with roses! You have to buy lots and lots because we are going to use them to decorate the guest room upstairs. Then we could buy some chocolate, her favourite and place it around the room. then you can get her a present, a unique present and give it to her before you tell her how you feel, and then you can kiss and live happily ever after… and then celebrate by having some pastaaaa" Italy said as he smiled with excitement.

"That's sounds awesome, her favourite flowers are lavender and she loves white roses. Her favourite chocolate is Ferrero rocher (small round chocolate wrapped around in gold foil, and is absolutely sinful, you can change this to your favourite chocolate) and she loves glass sculptures, so I could get her a glass sculpture of a bird, and it can remind her of me" I said as I planned out everything I will do tomorrow.

"Thank you so much... but I hope this is enough for her… she deserve the world" I said as I hugged Italy. "You're welcome… can't breathe" he said as I let him go. "Now I think we should go to sleep," he said as he took some pasta out of the fridge and carried it upstairs.

I looked around and realised I couldn't go back down stairs and sleep with her, because she might wake up. So I decided to sleep on the couch, I was so tired that as soon as I rested my head on the pillow, I was asleep.

 **(Return to reader's point of view)**

" _Where am I?" you think as you walk around the street and then within a few minutes you see Russia's house… but it's not what it should look like. It was broken and laying in ruins on the floor, and you gasped as you saw a person laying on the floor in front of the house, he was covered in blood and barely living._

 _You run towards him and tears start streaming down your face when you see the face that you loved tattered, bloodied and bruised in front of you. You see people walking past, doing nothing! Why aren't they helping him?_

 _You fall beside Ivan, hoping he would just open his eyes so you know that he is alive. You try to shake his body to wake him, but nothing works. He just stays frozen on the floor, unmoving and cold. So cold._

" _Russia, I am so sorry for leaving you… I swear I won't do that ever again… I love you… please come back…" you say as you hug the lifeless form, if only you visited him before, then maybe he would be safe._

 _This is your entire fault! You continue to cry until you feel someone watching you… you turn around but before you can see anything, you get hit by something hard as you fall to the ground._

You shot up straight in bed, you were covered in sweat and breathing heavily. You looked all around you, trying to get a swine of where you were.

Then you realised you were in Prussia's room. That was a terrible nightmare. Images flashed through your head all at once. How will you be able to sleep after that? Will you ever be able to sleep? You thought as you lowered your body back into a laying position and stared at the ceiling. Why me? What the hell?

You couldn't go back to sleep, you tried to but the images of dead Russia kept appearing in your mind. You looked to your left and noticed that Prussia wasn't in here with you, didn't he say he was going to come to bed after his shower. Oh well, maybe he went out with France and Spain.

You look at the time and notice that its half 1 in the afternoon, how long have you been asleep for. You wake up and start getting ready, you decided that it was the day you were going to go and visit Russia, you needed to get your feelings out into the air, you needed him to know how you felt but most importantly you needed to know if he was okay.

Within 30 minutes, you were ready to leave and start heading towards Russia's house. You were glad that Gilbert wasn't here, it would be hard to explain how I was going to Russia's house, he wouldn't like that idea one bit, all he would do is get worried.

I open the door but as soon as I step outside, I see Prussia's car parking by the house. This was just perfect, as soon as you decide to leave; Prussia decides it's time to go home. You suddenly notice that he had a lot of shopping bags in his car, but he didn't bother to carry them out when he jumps out of the car and starts walking toward me.

"So you decided to wake up, sleepy head? keseses" he said as he laughed. "Yeah" You said as you laughed nervously. "Where are you going? Going to visit someone?" he said as he looked at you oddly. You avoided his gaze as you looked at the floor.

"I'm going to Russia's house…" you mumbled hoping he wouldn't hear you, but there was no mistaking it, he had heard.

"NO! NO! NO WAY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" he shouted as he placed both his hands on my shoulders. "I just need to get some of my stuff…" you say as you remembered that you needed to get your blades, you missed the feeling and you needed them.

"NO! YOU CAN'T GO TO HIS HOUSE! HE WILL HURT YOU!" he says as he starts to shake me. "I'm sorry" I said as I removed his arms off me, as I stared to walk away.

"Will you be back?" he asked with a sad tone, you felt horrible but you couldn't not go. If you didn't then that dream would be bugging you all day.

"Yes, in an hour to two" I said as he nodded, with a smile.

"When you come back, I have a surprise for you" he shouted as you smiled. "Awesome, I can't wait to see it" you shouted back as he nods and walks back to his car to get his shopping. You took one last glance before making your way to Russia's house.

 _Prussia: "I swear if you hurt her, I will make sure you won't be alive for much longer"_

 _Russia: *gives childish smile*_

 _Me: "I can't handle you two, well bye and see you next time which would be pretty soon…"_

 _Russia: "but what about your exams, you know you're GSCES EXAMS THAT START TOMORROW!"_

 _Me: "shit! I can still write chapters, I can revise in the day and write at night"_

 _Prussia: "how do you sleep?"_

 _Me: "stop lecturing me guys, I will find a way. Well bye, need to sleep."_


	6. Chapter 6

_Me: "two updates in one day, daaamn I am on a roll"_

 _Prussia: "I can't wait to tell her how I feel, I wonder if she likes me in return…hey you writ this chapter! So what does she think, does she like me?"_

 _Me: *running away and hides behind Russia* "I can't let you read this chapter, you will kill someone…" I shout to him._

 _Russia: "Can I read it?"_

 _Me: "yeah, here you go"_

 _Russia: "thank you"_

You knock on the door for the sixth time, and still you had no reply which made your heart tighten.

 _Where is her?_

 _Why isn't he answering the door?_

 _Is he okay?_

You shake your head as you try and get rid of the thoughts, he is fine. Maybe he is just out hunting… maybe he is with china? You cringe as you mention her name. You decide that it has been long enough, and you have to go in and check what is going on.

You still had a key that he gave to you a few months ago, and as you pushed the key into the lock, you hoped he hadn't changed the locks. You turned the key and it opened easily, you walk into the house and you notice how quiet and dark it is.

You grope your way around the room until you find a light switch; suddenly you found it and pressed it. As soon as the light came on, you gasped as you saw the state of the room. There were thousands of empty vodka bottles everywhere. There was a broken one at one side of the room; there was a cracked mirror with blood on it.

Your eyes go blurry as you think about what it must have been like for Russia, he has been making himself drunk every day for the past few weeks, he hasn't left his house and has had no human interactions. He must be so lonely. I need to find him, and see if he is okay.

The amount of blood on the wall wasn't enough to kill him, but it would seriously be hurting him. You think about where he could be, and then you think about his room. Of course he would be in his room. You ran to his room, but you froze when you were standing outside it.

The memory came back when you opened this door a few weeks ago. You took a deep breath in as you opened the door, what you saw scared you and hurt you.

Russia was in a foetal position on his bed, with tears running down his face while he kept on taking sips of vodka, he looks so alone. What have you done?

"IVAN!"

Suddenly he turns around to look at you. He tilts his head to the side, wondering if you were real. He then looked away as he took another sip of his vodka. You suddenly felt this anger rise up inside of you. You marched to him as you threw the bottle on the floor, and still he chose to ignore you.

You see the blood on the side of his face; you walk to the cupboard and pull out a first aid kit. You then start cleaning up the wound on his face, and then you patch it with some bandages.

Russia just stood still as he watched you, he didn't say a word. Within 5 minutes you had finished patching him up.

You then stand in front of him, waiting for him to talk to you, say something, anything. You shake him trying to make him talk; if you mattered so much to him then why isn't he happy… you are here, why isn't he saying anything.

"Talk to me… please" you say as you gently stroke his cheek. But he looks away with hints of guilt in his eyes. "I need to know… why you slept with China!"

He still didn't reply.

You pursed your lips and raised your hand back. You threw your hand forward as hard as you could, whipping it across his face. The crack of skin contacting skin echoed off the walls. Vibrations of pain started in your palm and spread all the way to my fingertips.

Your palm was bright red, the same red mark that matched the one on his face. He stared at you with his eyes wide as his hand slowly made it to his fire red cheek… you backed away suddenly feel regret, you knew you should never make Russia angry. You could barely register what you had just done.

The shock of the moment only lasted a few seconds. You yelped when Russia suddenly grabbed you about the neck, shoving you backwards against the wall of the room. He hit the sore spot on your head with a yelp of pain. you look up into his eyes to see the purple aura around him. He threw his arm back, and was about to bring it forward to punch you… but at the last second he stopped.

Ivan's body was around you then, leaning against you. The Russian's forehead was against the wall and his eyes were closed. He was breathing hard, and he was trembling.

The atmosphere in the room gradually eased from anger and fear to something else. Something sad and sorrowful. Your terror slowly slipped away. You carefully wrapped your arms around the larger man's waist and nestled your face against Ivan's chest.

Another long time passed before either of you spoke. When Ivan did speak, you had thought that time had stopped and forgotten them both. "I was drugged… by china…. The drug caused me to have hallucinations, my little sunflower… I thought China was you" He said so softly that you had to hold your breath to hear him.

"I didn't cheat on you. Russia would never cheat on you. I was tricked…"

"... You wanted it to be me?" your bottom lip trembled.

"Da…"

"Okay, but even with that… you won't be able to be with me… because I have scars" you said as you let him know, he didn't need to know what kind. He just needed to know, so he can understand why you had shouted at him before.

"I don't like you… cause of your scars" he said calmly.

You clenched your eyes against the tears you felt were on their way. Your poor, battered heart took yet another hard blow. So it was true… Ivan drew you away from the wall and buried the little you in a warm embrace. This time when he spoke, his voice was stronger.

"I don't like you… I love you. I don't care about your scars; they can't make me love you any less. Your scars are beautiful and I don't care how or when they got on there. But I do know that no one else caused those scars; you did them to yourself, my sweet sunflower… why would you do that? Why do you hurt yourself?" he asked as you gasped.

He knew, but how? Wait it doesn't matter how. "Because It helps me calm down, I have stopped I swear, Russia" you said as you held him closer. As you let the tears fall. He pushed you away and looks into your eyes.

"Russia wants his little sunflower back… and I don't care if you slept with Prussia, or if you have a million scars, I just want to be able to call you mine…" he said softly.

When you don't answer he gives you a sad look. "Please (Y/N) take me back… it hurts so much here" Russia said as he pointed to his chest. "I need to tell you something about me and Prussia, about what happened in his bedroom…" you say as you try to explain you didn't sleep with him.

But before you could say another word, he covers his ears with his hands and starts to speak in Russian really loudly. You grab his arms and remove them from his ears, and he suddenly goes quiet.

"Please… don't speak about him… it hurts too much… I don't want to know… please" he says as he shakes his head. You place your hands on his cheeks as you push his face towards yours so your eyes were only centre meters apart. You look into his eyes and start to speak.

"I didn't have sex with Prussia!" You said as you see his eyes light up, and his childlike grin appears on his face. "You're a virgin?" he asked with a smile.

You nod slowly as Russia laughs, he then lifted you up effortlessly into his arms and strutted from his room, he knew you wouldn't like to be in there, because it reminded you of when you saw him with Chine. You lifted your head up shyly and gave Russia a slow look. "Become one with Ivan time?"

"Da!" Russia nodded excitedly. He slipped you onto the bed, standing back up to admire your blushing. You looked up at him, shy lust born in your eyes. You opened your arms and reached out to the larger nation. "Ivan..." you whined."Please!"

Ivan pulled off his overcoat and took off his boots and socks, taking his sweet time about it. He draped his scarf around your body and then shrugged out of the black turtleneck beneath, carelessly tossing it to the floor.

You used one hand holding the scarf, pulling yourself up and reaching out, your free hand tracing the scars that marked the other nation's body, kissing each as you went along.

There were long scars, short scars, thick scars, thin scars; tiny scars that had been bullet wounds and long jagged scars that had been tortures. Blemishes from burns that raked across Ivan's one arm, but there was one scar which caught your attention, the one around his neck, it caught your special attention, gently touching your lips along the verge of it before dancing across it.

Russia was a big nation with a long and bloody history. Too long and too bloody, far too violent. The poverty of his nation had caused just the slightest blue tint to Ivan's skin, too slight for anyone to tell just by looking at his uncovered face but strikingly visible when looking at his torso as a whole.

Russia's smile lost its edge of danger, softening into a gentle expression. He petted one hand through your hair; you were basking in the affection you were receiving. He brought his free hand to his mouth, taking the tip of the longest finger of his thick glove between his teeth and pulling the heavy leather off. He spat it out to the side, letting it fall into the rest of the pile. He switched hands and then was completely bare from the waist up.

You tugged him down onto the bed, continuing you're scar-kissing. There was the heart-shaped scar on Ivan's chest which you were careful about, weary of having the organ beneath unexpectedly fall out. But you showed it no less love, drifting your lips over and across it.

Ivan shivered as you ran your tongue along that scar, the warm, playful light in his eyes darkening pleasurably.

"You are wearing too much, da?" Ivan smiled cheekily as he pulled back from his lover's caresses,

"We should fix that. You do know you can't enjoy my body with your clothes on?" He remarked with smirk. "Take them off then" you said as he raised his eyebrows, wondering how many times he had been waiting for you to say that phrase like this.

You were feeling a little bolder; you felt happier when you realized that the only reason Russia slept with China was because he thought it was you, but you still couldn't forgive him... but right now that didn't mean anything, you just needed this. You needed him.

You lifted your hips from the cushion and then you bit your lip heatedly. "Why don't you take them off for me? Ivan" your repeat was met with the positively sinful smile, which you had fallen in love with.

He straddled your body as he leaned over so his hands could cup your breasts gently before skimming down your stomach to fiddle with the button on your jeans. "My pleasure" he whispered huskily to you, "my little sunflower" just hearing him say your cute nickname set your whole body on fire, hotter than the sun could ever dream of doing.

He knew the effect his words would have on you. Your blood tingled in my veins from the anticipation. Feeling the moisture pooling between your legs, where his hands danced so leisurely, you looked up at him with hooded eyes.

"Say it again Ivan?" you all but moaned. Russia grinned as he placed his knees on the cushion between your legs. He continued to play with the waist of your pants, seemingly in no hurry to get them off, and then he bent his body so his tongue could lick the valley between your breasts. You flushed rather prettily as his hands roamed all over your body.

You had never done this before... so being half-naked in front of someone who was looking at you was something that piqued your shyness. Though you felt a pleasant fuzziness in your heart, you would have preferred it had Russia not stared so... pointedly at your scars.

"they are beautiful" he whispered as you slowly used his tongue to stroke all your scars, you moaned as you felt his hot breath on your recent scars. "You're impatient, da?" Ivan pressed a kiss to your revealed hip, then pressed another kiss against your slowly appearing thigh... and then just followed the pants down, raining kisses along apparent flesh.

You dragged your tongue over his bottom lip, bringing Russia's scarf to your face to muffle your moans. "I-Ivan... Please..."

The pants now to your ankles, Russia tugged them off and caressed his way back up. "I'm not done teasing you yet." He grinned so cutely, you bit your bottom lip to stop the urge from hugging him. It would have been an awkward angle seeing as how Russia was by your legs. "It's fun to tease my little sunflower"

Ivan kept your leg braced over his shoulders as he continued his explorations. His hands ticked up your thighs, gripping onto your waist and holding you still. You moaned as he started kissing your scars again..."Where do you want me?" he asked softly.

You blushed as you pointed to the space between your legs.

Ivan's gaze followed your hand avidly, staring at where you wanted him with deep seated hunger. He covered your hand with his own, teasing you with the finger pad of his longest digit. "I'll be here soon, da"

He smiled boyishly again, quirking a finger in a 'come hither' fashion. "But you help me first, da?"

You sat up. You gulped when Russia cupped his erection tellingly, still grinning. You bent yourself forward, tongue flicking over the gland first; no pre-cum yet. But, of course, hard as rock.

You pulled back for a moment, preparing yourself and relaxing your throat muscles. Ivan was... big. Russian big. Big Russian big.

It was daunting. "will this monster even fit inside of me?' you cried out in your mind; of course you wasn't talking about Ivan... Just his cock. That alone was a monster enough to frighten you.

you slid your lips over the head, pulled back and wet them more when you felt them begin to stretch, and then put your head back down again. You put your hand around what you couldn't fit, pumping carefully.

You swallowed around Ivan, lapping at the sensitive flesh. Russia let out a small moan that looked like he was trying too hard to keep inside. He smiled down at you as he tried not to buckle; he knew you still were not that comfortable.

You were thankful for Russia's control, you doubted very much that you would have been able to hold Ivan's hips still had the Russian decided to thrust into your mouth. You sucked on as much as you could, taste salty drops of pre-cum on your tongue as he continued.

Russia tangled a hand in your hair and pulled you off, pushing you back into lying down. Russia's mouth was immediately conquering your own, tongues sliding and dancing together between both your joint lips. Teeth clacked and Ivan nibbled your lower lip, worrying the bruised pink flesh. You brought both your lips back together, trying to slip past Ivan's defences into his mouth. The taste of vodka and spices flooded you, making you moan.

"(Y/N)..." His voice was that low whisper again, and you couldn't wait anymore. With speed that you didn't even know you possessed, you threw your legs on Ivan's shoulders so he could finish the job.

You hissed as the cold air from the window breezed across your bare body, you didn't have time to think before Ivan sank his tongue into your mouth, you was so close when he pulled away that your fists clenched a little tighter in frustration. But before you had the chance to voice your concerns, you felt his finger press into your centre and you moaned against his lips.

With his skin so hot on my own, you were hard pressed not to love everything about it all. His muscles, his scars, his smile... just everything about this man.

When his fingers were replaced with the most deliciously full feeling you had ever known, you pulled your mouth away from his so you could cry out in pleasure. Russia's thrusts were leisured, timed to inflict the perfect amount of ecstasy at the exact moment needed. You quickly found out that you loved this, he was always attentive but something about his movements, his eyes on yours, both of your breath synced together, it all combined made you want to moan from the extreme pleasure.

"Say my name, da?" he said.

"IVAN! Ivan! Ivan! Ivan!" you all but screamed.

You didn't waste any time in wrapping your legs around him, pulling him closer as you began to move with him. "My little sunflower" he whispered into your ear before pressing his mouth to your neck. You could only answer with a breathy whimper. When he dragged his fingers around your neck to untie your bra, you gasped softy as the cold hair hit your chest.

You could feel the pressure building inside me. Ivan leaned down a slow circle around your exposed nipple before biting down on it, making you scream.

With that scream, you let go of everything. Your release took over your body and you weren't sure if the blinding light you saw was the bulb or the pleasure exploding behind your own eyelids. It didn't matter; Russia's body was completely new and wonderful at the same time.

You gasped into his shoulders as you tried to catch your breath; he continued to thrust his hips, dragging out your orgasm as long as he could, until you felt your body literally fall limp with exhaustion.

When he pushed in that last time before his own orgasm made his body tense up, you used your last bit of energy to tighter both your legs around his waist to hold him there as long as possible.

You came with a cry, back arching off the bed. There was a long silence only interrupted by both your thundering hearts and panting. Russia's arms gave way, only catching himself long enough to stop him from completely squashing you.

Minutes went by in trembling peace. Your hands slipped off of Ivan to rest numbly at your sides. Russia broke out into a smug grin. "We should do this more often, da."

You chuckled tiredly. "Y-Yeah... Get off-ff m-me, eh? You're h-heavy..." you pushed at Ivan's shoulders. Russia rolled over, bringing you with him and resting you on his chest. He sighed blithely, eyes shut. "(Y/N) is amazing. I love you"

You flushed. "Thank you..." you pecked Russia on the cheek. "I think you're pretty cool, too." You said, because you still weren't ready to give him your heart, and tell him you loved him. He still hadn't deserved that yet. You closed your eyes and fell asleep, forgetting about the promise you made Prussia.

 _Russia: "that was interesting, da?" *trying to hide his blush behind his scarf*_

 _Me: "see told you that you were not going to be the bad guy for long"_

 _Russia: "da… but she still didn't say she loves me"_

 _Me: "well I am still deciding who I want her to be with… I can't decide… you and Prussia are both so adorable…"_


	7. Chapter 7

_Me: "Hello Readers, just to let you know because some of you may not… (Y/N) means your name! So if your name is Sophie for example, you then replace this (Y/N) with your name… like this…_

 **Prussia looked deep into your eyes, "(Y/N)…" he trailed off.**

 **Prussia looked deep into your eyes, "Sophie…" he trailed off.**

 _Prussia: "no one cares about that, they are only here for the story… so can you please give me the new chapter to read, cause you wouldn't let me read the last one" he grumbled_

 _Me: "sure, here you go… have fun reading"_

You open your eyes slowly as you stretch your arms in the air, you yawn as you look around the room. You were expecting to wake up in Prussia's room like you have been doing for the last few weeks, but today it was different because there he was... Russia sleeping next to you… naked.

You smiled at him as you kissed his forehead. He didn't move, you look at the time and realize it isn't even morning, its only 10 pm.

You were about to go back to sleep, when you bolted upright and thought about the promise you made to Gilbert, you slap your forehead as you realize it's been 8 hours since you have seen him, and you told him you would be gone for two hours max

He is going to be so mad, maybe he won't mind too much. You can try to sneak in and he won't be awake and maybe he will be calmer in the morning. But what about Ivan, can you leave him right after you gave your virginity to him? Will he be upset?

You didn't have time to think about this, you had to leave.

You scribbled a small note, and left it on your pillow. Then you gathered your clothes from around the room in your hand, and you started changing into them as you slowly, quietly stepped out of the room as silently as you could.

You were half dressed but it will have to do, then you suddenly remembered your blades, you ran to your room and you gasped as you saw the state of your room.

The bed was thrown to the side and the contents of your tin thrown on the floor. You shake your head as you think about what could have happened here, poor Russia... is this how he found out?

You pick up all your... equipment and pack them back into the tin as you then place it in your pocket.

As soon as you had done that, you ran out of the house faster than Italy could when he was running for pasta.

You stopped outside Germany's house.

You stood still as you try to catch your breath, and then you used your key to silently open the door.

You walked into the room in pitch darkness; maybe Prussia had decided to go to sleep. You locked the door behind you, then you started walking towards the light switch... but someone had reached it before you.

The light flashed on as you saw a sad but pissed Gilbert standing in front of you, it looked like he had been waiting for you, you saw the bottles of beer around the room, and you could see that he wasn't drunk, but maybe pissed.

He folds his arms as he looks you up and down, you feel ashamed as his gaze washes over you.

He must be taking in your messy hair, your half unbuttoned shirt, your crumpled clothes, your smeared eye makeup and the white stuff on your trousers. That you hadn't noticed. He must have put this all this together and realized what had happened at Russia's house.

"Forget about the surprise I said, there is no point anymore..." he says as he turns the other way, and starts walking towards his room.

you could see the pain in his eyes as you suddenly jump forward and stop him by grabbing his arm..."please tell me, I'm sorry for being late" you say as he turns his head and looks down at your arm, the one grabbing him… you then notice that you had something white smeared on it.

Then he pushes the arm away like it was burning him.

He turns around with tears in eyes. You back away when you see the anger mixed with sadness in his eyes.

"It's not important anymore, what's the point in telling you it when you have just came back here after obviously fucking that dick. I can't believe this. What sweet words did he use to get into your pants? Did he tell you he will never cheat on you again? Did he tell you how lonely he is?"

He walked towards you with each word he said, until you were backed into a wall. He then punched the wall, missing you by a few centre meters, leaving a crack in the concrete wall. He rested his head on yours as he continued to speak in a softer tone.

"Is that all it took to convince you let him have dick inside if you? I bet he whispered sweet nothings to you as he thrust inside you, I bet he said I love you as well..." Prussia suddenly went silent as he saw the tears in your eyes and your shivering form.

He rubs his head as he signs.

"He told me he was drugged..." you whispered as you tried weakly to defend yourself.

"…and you believed him...? Do you know how many times he has lied to you and somehow you always believe him."

You don't say anything as you block his voice out, Russia wasn't lying! He did love me and he was drugged!

"He is bad news!..." he said as he moved away from you and left you as you to crumple to the floor with tears rolling down your cheeks, alone.

You feel so confused, why is he so angry? You stand up and walk towards the shower. As you entered the bathroom, you started the shower. You slowly undressed and then you suddenly caught your reflection in the mirror.

What you saw staring back at you, was so ugly. How could anyone Russia love you with all scars? You stared at all your self-inflicting scars, on your arms and legs. you felt a sickly sort of pleasure from running your hands over your scars feeling their touch.

You got in to the shower, and let the hot water fall all over you, washing away all your pain and sorrow… as the water covered you, eloping you into a feeling of utter calmness. But it still didn't stop the tears falling down your face. You just stood there as the tears fell and the voices started entering your mind.

 **He is lying!**

 _No he isn't, he was drugged! He didn't want to sleep with china!_

 **How do you know? A small drug couldn't make a nation hallucinate!**

 _Maybe it was a lot!_

 **You are a stupid slut for believing him!**

 _No I am not!_

 **Why would he love you, how can he love you?**

 _Because…_

 **You are disgusting! Maybe he just wanted a quick fuck? So he prayed on your weaknesses, and told you everything he knew you wanted to hear!**

 _NO! He didn't he loves me…_

You stepped out of the shower after half an hour of drowning in your tears.

You start drying yourself and your hair before changing into your sift purple silk night dress. You then make your way to Prussia's room, hoping he was asleep.

You walk into the room to see him calmly sleeping. You smile as you look down at his face he was cute when he slept... he looked happier asleep. You kissed his cheek before slipping into the bed.

You wrap his arm around you as you rest your head on his chest, this was the most comfortable and safest position you could be in.

You just lay still fir half an hour feeling the gentle soothing rise and fall of his chest. Then you closed your eyes, you were seconds from dozing off when you suddenly heard him speak.

Prussia's P.O.V (point of view)

I felt something move next to me as I opened my eyes; I then noticed it was (Y/N). She looked so peaceful asleep, but where the hell did she come from. I stroke her hair as I start to speak, I knew she can't hear me but it would feel good getting it off my chest.

"Why did you come back here, on this bed? Aren't you scared of me? I nearly punched you before... I suppose this is just another reason why I am so in love with you. You see the scariest parts of me and still you are not scared of me, you stay when others run and scream."

"I had the most amazing day planned for you, I brought your favourite flowers and used them to decorate the guest room. I brought rose petals and laid them everywhere to look romantic, I brought your favourite chocolate and placed them all over the room, I even brought you a small glass sculpture of a dove because they are your favourite animal… and I was going to tell you how I felt…"

"I was going to tell you how I have been in love with you from the start; how you make me smile and make my heart beat faster… but you also make me cry and worry like crazy…"

"don't you know your breaking my heart, I never thought I could love again after Elizabeth died, I thought she had stolen my heart and took it with her to her grave to never be seen again; but in fact it was just shattered into a million pieces so I couldn't recognise it as a heart anymore…"

"But then you came to help me when you heard the news, even though we hadn't seen each other's in years… you still came to help me."

"If you weren't there when she died, I know I would not be alive today. You saved me from the life of darkness I was living, you showed me the beauty in the world... and each of your acts of friendship slowly fixed my heart and made it whole again."

"I remember when I realised that I had fallen for you... you had gone to your first ever world meeting and you met that bastard... I could see it in your eyes when you saw him, where everyone else was filled with fear and only saw danger, you saw the loneliness and pain... you understood him and you started falling for him. I remember you telling me all about him and how he invited you over to his house and how you talked for hours."

"That's when I started to feel... jealous. I wanted you for myself and it hurt when you told me about the ways he holds you, and how he makes you feel… but because I cared for you and I loved seeing you happy, I stayed quiet about my feelings because I knew you could never love me."

"I watched your relationship grow and how happy you became, but I felt such anger at him for taking you away from me."

"I wanted to be the one to protect you, I want to be your shoulder to cry on, I wanted to be your one and only… but that job was taken by him."

"But then you came to back to me a few weeks looking like you had been broken. I felt so much pain as I saw you cry, I wanted to kill Russia for hurting you like this... but a tiny part of me felt... happiness?"

"I thought this was my chance, you had been hurt by him so you won't go back to him. I could tell you my feelings and maybe you would learn to love me?"

"But I didn't want to take advantage of your vulnerable state, so I waited for you to mend your broken heart."

"But my heart was shattered again when I heard you speak in your sleep. You said you loved him, I wanted to die. I felt that my love would never be returned, it brought back memories and I wanted to die. But then Italy gave me some hope. I felt like you could love me…w

"I had gotten everything ready, and it took 1 hour to do it. I was so excited about finally telling you what I have been hiding for so long, but I felt nervous about how you would react to my feelings."

"I then sat down in the living room waiting for you to appear, I waited for 2 hours and you still hadn't arrived, I felt so rejected. I was wondering what could have happened, I was worried but I decided to have a couple of beers to help myself relax, you had never broken a promise before so I trusted you to come back."

"Then I waited for 4 more hours and then I felt such anger towards you... I had gone through so much trouble and you couldn't even be bothered to come and hear my confession. In a fit of anger I had thrown a bottle against the wall in a rage destroying a picture of us. I felt so bad and as I tried to fix it, but then I heard you walk in…"

"All my anger was replaced by relief and butterflies…"

"But when I saw the state you were in, it felt like you had got a dagger and stabbed my heart and then kept on twisting. I couldn't believe my eyes, you had slept with him!"

I look down at her unmoving body, as I stopped speaking. I saw her eyes. It looked like she had been crying after I had left her in my rage; I gently touched her face as I continued to speak.

"I am so sorry for shouting at you; I had no right to do that. An awesome person would never do that, but I did" I said as I stroked her hair.

"I love you… but you love that bastard!" I said as I let the tears fall down my face, I am so glad that she is asleep, because I wouldn't want her to see me crying. See me being a pathetic person.

"What I wouldn't give to have your lips on mine…" I sign as I let another tear roll down my face…

(Readers point of view)

" _What I wouldn't give to have your lips on mine…"_

You had been listening to everything your best friend has been saying, and you felt so confused, but you knew one thing… you were in love with two people at the same time, and that was the dumbest thing in the world.

You couldn't deny it anymore, you loved Gilbert but you never thought that he would like you. You didn't know what to do.

You didn't know what you needed… but you knew what you wanted to do at this moment of time. You slowly opened your eyes and sat up next to Prussia, he had his eyes closed and he was crying so he didn't see you get up.

You wrap your arms around him as you wait for him to look at you. He suddenly pulls his arms away from his face as he looks down at you; he starts to blush as he tries to find some words to say…

"I heard everything!" you said as he blushes a deeper colour and looks into your eyes, wondering how you were feeling.

"Gilbert-"

He gently held your hand and stopped you from speaking and then pulled you into a hug, it was the perfect hug. You both seemed to melt into each other. You closed your eyes and all the noise in the background stops.

You lost track of where your body stops and his began. You felt safe and comfortable like this, it was a perfect dream. You have no worries, no fears, just a calm feeling. No matter how tight this hug was, it was the best feeling in the world.

He looked in your eyes as he sat taller than you, you looked up in to his, he leaned forward as if seeking your approval, you leaned even closer to show your approval, then he touched his lips on yours, you thought you could explode. It felt just like, what you thought it would in your dreams, but your heart was beating so loud.

You thought it was about to jump out of your body…

 _Me: "two things… I need help deciding who the reader is going to end up with. I just can't decide. Prussia is the best friend who always comforted her and is in love with her, and would never hurt her. But Russia is her first, he loves her, she was with him first, and he used to be abused and he needs someone to love, he is all alone. Please help me decide…"_

 _Me: "Also I am changing my updating speed, I will be updating once a week because my exams have started and I need to get at least 6 Bs to get into my chosen college, I am sorry but after this month I will start updating fast again."_

 _*Russia and Prussia walk in*_

 _Russia: "what is this, how dare she kiss that fool! She is mine…"_

 _Prussia: "what do you mean; she is in love with both of us?"_

 _*both start talking angrily*_

 _Me: "WAAAAAH" *runs away and locks self in room*_


	8. Chapter 8

_Me: *looking in all the rooms around the house, trying to find Russia* "where is he?"_

 _Prussia: "don't worry about him, you can talk to the awesome me instead… so how were the exams?"_

 _Me: "they were-"_

 _Prussia: "I was joking man no one cares, we just want to read the story and how (Y/N) chooses me over Russia"_

 _Me: "okay! okay! here you go then. I won't stall you any longer"_

 _Prussia: "thanks"_

You pulled away from the kiss, and then you looked up into his eyes. He looked away blushing, as you ran your hand through his gorgeous white hair. No one spoke, but it didn't mean there was nothing to talk about, it just meant none of you wanted to speak.

He attacks your lips for the second time, kissing you harshly as he pushed gently you back onto his bed. You start making out, but then suddenly you hear…

 _ **CRASH!**_

You jump out of the bed as you feel a shiver run down your spine, "what was that?" you asked as you walked around the room, it sounded like someone had dropped something made out of glass.

"It's probably just Gilbird, he is always bumping into things, and he is kind of clumsy" Prussia said as he stood up and walked towards you. "So he is just like his owner then," you said, and then you started to giggle as he gave you a hug from behind, and then started kissing your neck.

"Come back to bed…" he said seductively as you nodded.

He decided to start getting serious. He removes your top with his teeth and then gasps as he sees your scars; he didn't know how badly it was. Because he had only seen the scars on your lower legs, and that was nothing compared to your arms and waist.

You look ashamed as his soft, large hands ran across your scars lightly. You felt him tremble as he hugged you. His long arms wrapped around you so nicely as if you were a missing puzzle piece. You wished that hug never ended once his arms escaped your bubble, you look up into his eyes, and you were so surprised to see that there were tears in his eyes.

You couldn't help it anymore, you lost it. His tears were crystal clear as they streamed down his face. His soft hand caressed your face as your tear-filled faces got closer. Your lips met and at that instant, you knew he would be with you forever, the way he kissed showed you how much he loved you.

That's when you knew, you loved Prussia more then you loved Russia. It was like he knows what you are going through... Wait.

You suddenly felt this crazy thought run through your head, you had never seen Prussia topless, and now to think about it... when you first told Prussia about your scars, he didn't look scared, all you had saw in his eyes were understanding.

You tore your lips away from his as you softly moved your hand towards his and then you lifted up his plaid sleeve...

He does know what I am going through.

A light gasp escaped your mouth as he let you examine his scars, all over his body. They were not as new as yours, but they were older and the scars were deep, but they were still visible. You cracked a small smile from your pale lips and hugged him tightly.

"(Y/N), I love you," He had said to you, his words spilling from his mouth. My face was red as you lay your head on his chest. "Gilbert, I love you too."

He kissed your shoulder, making you shiver despite the warm temperature of the room. You would have moaned but his lips met yours in a slow and tantalizing rhythm that stole your breath away.

His tongue teased the rest of your mouth so you threaded your fingers through his hair to pull him closer. It wasn't until when his hand slid across my thigh that your senses went into overdrive. You pulled away from his mouth so you could straddle his legs, almost laughing at the confusion look on his face.

"Don't play dumb" you said as you bit your lip, "you know exactly what I'm doing." Realization hit him and then his eyes widened. "Now?" he chocked, "are you sure?" he said as you laughed and then reached down to stroke him through his trousers.

"Maybe, I don't even care right now, all I know is I need you inside me right now. There is no one around and you told me you loved me, what did you expect?" you said, for emphasis, you tightened your hand on him and watched with a smile as he hissed through his teeth.

Prussia pushed you down onto the bed and then got on top of you; he pushed your clothes aside. Then his hands curved around your waist, you then quickly reached into his trunks to pull his penis out... but then you stopped and tilted your head to the left. You realized that, Prussia was smaller than Russia.

Suddenly it was like Prussia could read your thoughts. "My awesome penis is bigger than Russia's, yes?" He asked nervously as you decided to stay quiet. He quickly jumped off the bed as he starts to whine.

"NO FUCKING WAY IS HE BIGGER THEN ME!"

You sign as you stand up and start walking towards him. "Babe, come back to bed. Just forget about who is bigger..." you say but he stops you as he looks away and walks away from you.

"That is nonsense, of course it matters what size you are…"

You stop him from speaking as you grab onto his manhood, he lets out a small soft moan as he feels your soft hand holding hm.

"Babe, you may not be bigger than him, but you are defiantly have a bigger girth (how wide the penis is) then him..." you say softly as you knee down before him. He doesn't say anything as you breathe your hot breath on his hard member.

He lets out a small moan as you lick the pre cum of him. You look up into his eyes, and see the hunger and lust filling his red eyes. You waste no more time as you take him all into your mouth; he instantly grabs your hair as he starts moving deeper into your mouth.

Your eyes water as he hits the back of your throat, but then you hear the moans coming out of his mouth which makes you carry on.

You start fondling his balls as you bob your head back and forth on to him. After a few minutes you feel him pull your head of him, as he picks you from the floor and then lays you back down on the bed.

He wasted no time at all in pushing himself down on to you, using his penis to impale you.

You wrapped your arms around him as your moans got louder and louder. You darted your tongue out against his ear and gasped breathlessly when he shifted his hips above you. The bed started squeaking as he started thrusting into you harder.

He would rise out of you slowly, and then thrusting himself in faster and harder, hitting all the right places…considering a few minutes ago, when he was worried about size he wasn't acting like what he was something to be ashamed of.

You quickly found out that you loved this, he was always attentive but something about his movements, his eyes on yours, the way your breath synced together, it all combined made you want to moan from the extreme pleasure.

Prussia began to push down on you faster, while breathing heavily against your neck. Your body started to tighten without your permission and Prussia seemed to be coming to his end as well. Wisps of pleasure licked at your spine and caused lustful moans to escape from your throat.

He pushed down into your body and held you there, shifting his hips in small circles so that you felt him touching you everywhere. You cried out in a broken yell as your orgasm came. Gilbert dropped a kiss on your shoulders and growled against you as he emptied himself inside you.

You rolled your hips breathlessly, working him for every last drop, and finally he rested his chin on top of your head. Your breath tickled his chest as he waited for his own breathing to return to normal.

Suddenly, Gilbert lay back on the sand, taking you with him, and you gasped as he went a little deeper. Then he pulled out of you as he lay next to you on the bed, trying to regain his breath.

"So who do you choose, me or Russi-" Before he could finish asking you a question, you hear someone opening the front door. You didn't want to be caught like this by Russia, because if that was him on the door, and he saw this... then there would be a huge fight that you didn't want to happen.

You take one look at him and then jump out of the bed.

Both of you start to get changed super quickly. You were the first person to get changed so you ran up the stairs, and saw Germany... he looked a bit rough, he was sitting down on the coach with Italy, who had his arms around him.

"Hey Ludwig, hey Feli... what's wrong... why are you crying?" you say when you notice that Ludwig had tears in his eyes and that Italy was trying to comfort him…

Russias p.o.v (point of view) (couple of hour ago)

I suddenly woke up, sitting up in my bed, covered in sweat, and then the nightmare comes back to me in flashbacks. In my dream, I was fully grown adult on the night the Mongolian empire stole my virginity away from me and turned me into the monster I am. But even though I was an adult, I still couldn't stop him from... I am so weak.

My head gently hits the pillow as I fell back onto the bed, I needed a hug. I turned to face (Y/N) but she wasn't there. I felt abandoned, how could she leave me like this. We just made love, and then she goes and leaves. Maybe she doesn't believe me, doesn't she know how much I love her.

I suddenly then notice the small note laid on her pillow, where her head was a few hours ago. I pick up the note as I start to read the words in her writing.

" _I wanted to wake up next to you, eat with you, get changed with you, play computer games with you, watch movies with you in bed, hold your hand and send you cute texts, wear your comfy coat when I'm cold and watch the sunrise with you and be with you for the rest of your life… but then I saw you with china, and I know that you never meant to hurt my feelings when you did that, but I can't just forget the pain I felt that day and the weeks after. I do love you, I will never be able to stop loving you… but you have to know that I will need some time to be comfortable with you… I want to be yours, but… I need some time. Wait for me! From your little sunflower, (Y/N)"_

Of course I would wait for you; I would wait a hundred years for you. But how can I show you how much you mean to me, I love you more then I love vodka and sunflowers, but how can I make you understand that.

I then think about that small shop down the road, it had a unique product. You would give the person a picture of you and someone else, and then they will enlarge and cut the picture and place it in a heart shaped 3D glass shape, and then engrave a few words onto it. It was the most romantic thing I could think of, maybe if I got that for her, and then maybe she would understand my love for her.

I knew the perfect picture, it was one of me and her after I had lost the cold war, and she was comforting me. She decided to sing me my favourite lullaby, 'Tilly Tilly Bom' and then we had kissed and she then decided that was a moment to take a photo. I go to the draw and take the photo out. I look at the photo in my hand, and I smile when I see me and her smiling up into the camera.

And I knew the perfect quote to engrave on it…

"We will rule the world with our love, my little sunflower…"

(Hour later)

I held the small heart shaped glass, it was beautiful. It was made out of 100 % glass and it was solid and heavy. I placed it in the car seat as I started driving towards the place she was staying, that is where she would be.

I hated the idea of going to that house again, the last time I was there, she had told me to leave and never return, and here I am a few weeks after entering the place again. I suppose if she isn't there then I can just hang out with Ludwig, he was my best friends. But it has been a while since we have hanged out, not since he has started dating that Italian boy.

Within half an hour, I had reached the house and I was standing outside the front door wondering if I should knock, or walk in. but I didn't want to wake anybody else up, maybe I can go around the back and enter through the window in Prussia's room. And then I can signal to her to meet me outside, and then I will give this heart to her.

I walked around to the back of the house and then I saw the small window, where you could look into Prussia's room.

I hated that she would sleep in the same bed as him, but I couldn't do anything about it, she had told me they were just friends and I should learn to trust her if I want to earn her love back.

I knelt down as I looked through the window, what I saw made my heart shatter. I dropped the glass heart onto the floor. Suddenly it made a loud noise, and the two people who were making out inside stopped but soon they started kissing again.

She lied to me. She said she loved me but she lied. She said she would never hurt me, but she did. I said I loved her, I did and I still do. I said I would never hurt her, and I didn't so why did she. She just used me like a fuck toy tonight; she had sex with me and then left to fuck someone else. And that hurt.

I couldn't handle this anymore, I started running away with tears in my eyes until I bumped into a person who I needed the most right now.

Germany's p.o.v

I looked opposite me to see my little Feli sleeping, but even though I loved him with all my heart. I couldn't stand his snoring, it was adorable sometimes but right now it was just keeping me awake. I kissed his forehead softly as I gently moved out of the bed and decided to take small midnight walk.

I opened the door and as soon as I stepped outside, I felt someone bump into me, causing me to fall backwards with the person falling on top of me.

I groan as I opened my eyes to see Russia on top of me with tears in his eyes. I take a long look at him, as all the memories came back.

I used to love him, we were best friends but then I decided to tell him one day that I loved him, and he had told me that he didn't 'swing that way' which hurt my feelings.

But he didn't act any differently, he still said he loved me and he was still my best friend. He even has said that if he could change his sexuality for me, then he would have so I could be happy, but he couldn't. And then slowly we started to drift apart, when I started spending more time with Italy.

Ivan would call me asking if I wanted to hang out, and I would always give him some excuse until one day he stopped calling me. And then we just stopped spending time together, but that didn't mean I didn't care for him, and it still meant that we were best friends.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I helped him up. He looked at me with his sad eyes as he fell onto my shoulder, crying his eyes out. I stroked his back as he cried and cried. "Come on, I prefer the happier you then this… please don't cry," I said, but I think I said the wrong thing, because he shoved me away harshly.

"PLEASE DON'T TELL ME NOT TO CRY. PLEASE DON'T SAY THERE WAS A REASON WHY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING OR HOW MUCH I HURT. THE WET SPOTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS ARE FROM MY TEARS."

"YOU THINK I SHOULD GO ON WITH MY LIFE, FORGET WHAT I AM FEELING, AND BE STRONG. BUT DEEP DOWN I AM BROKEN AND BREAKING IN TWO AND I DON'T WANT TO GO ALONG. I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING WHY FOR SOME APPARENT REASON I BREAK DOWN AND CRY. MY LIFE HAS CHANGED FOREVER, YOU SEE."

"AND THAT IS WHY I'M NOT ACTING LIKE THE SAME OLD ME. SO PLEASE DON'T ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED BECAUSE IT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN, NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, BUT NEVER. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR ME IS JUST BE THERE JUST LIKE ALWAYS MY FRIEND. MY BROKEN HEART IS HURTING BAD AND IT WILL NEVER MEND!"

Russia shouted as he collapsed onto the floor.

I place my arms around him as I held him close; he then pushed me away again. "What are you doing?" he suddenly asked as he wiped away his tears and stood up. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"You don't like me! You ignored me! You told me you loved me, and then you stopped talking to me! I called you; I wanted to be friends again! I missed you, we were best friends but you left me and stopped talking to me like everyone else. You have no right comforting me" he said as he started walking back to his car.

I stood in front of his car before he was able to drive off; I then opened the passenger door as I got into the car. "I am sorry for everything I did, I just didn't want to be hurt any longer… don't you know what it is like to tell someone you love them and then get rejected? How can you see that person again, it hurts too much and I am sorry" I said as Russia looked at me softly.

"I know" he said as he started driving. "What do you meant you know?" I asked as I was starting to feel confused.

"I know what it is like to tell someone you love them, and then reject you. But in my case they let me have hope, they told me they loved me, they used my body like I was a sex toy and then they left the next day to be with some other boy" he said with no emotion in his voice, just the tears falling down his face.

"Who?" I asked. Who could have captured his heart, but break into a million pieces like this?

"(Y/N)"

I nodded as I started to understand everything; it was Gilbert's best friend. She was nice and warming, you instantly liked her, and she had that personality that was lovable. No wonder Russia had fallen for her, no wonder he is hurting…. Gilbert loves her too.

"I know how it feels" I said as I looked out of the window. "No you don't" he said sharply.

"Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are loved in every way and will always be taken care of. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a person's heart when they are convinced that they are someone's forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a person's heart who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a girl who pulled me deeply into her love."

"I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have her rip all these feelings to pieces."

"I wanted her to know that I loved her. I loved her through every emotional part of the roller coaster she had brought into my life. I loved her on the days that she was pleasant and kind and also the days she was unrecognizable to me. I loved her through changing circumstance and the rapid movement of time. I even loved her when she decided that she didn't love me anymore. I think a part of me still loves her while I sit here in this care, face hot with tears and disillusionment. "

"I don't think you understand how much she destroyed me in a matter of seconds," he finished speaking as he wiped away some more tears.

I was about to respond until I saw some crazy person heading towards us.

There was this driver speeding towards us and we could do nothing. We looked into each other's eyes for the last time. He looks so peaceful, like he was holding those words in for a while, like he wasn't scared; I didn't hear the sound of the truck's engine until it must have been ten feet from my window.

The moment before the truck made impact. Time slowed down to a crawl. I started imagining about the future that I and Italy will never have… that is when I knew that I loved Italy, I hadn't even told him that yet, and now I never will. I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted him to be the last person I see before I die…But he wasn't here right now, so I held Russia's hand waiting for the impact to happen.

The headlights were speeding towards us and before there was any time to react, I felt the colossal impact. Tire screeches and a blaring horn scream in my ear. I felt my body slammed against the seat belt and the shattering glass slice my face and arms...

 _ **CRASH!**_

I slowly opened my eyes, I ached all over. I suddenly noticed that I was still in the car with Russia, but now it was upside down. I removed my hand from my head and it I saw that it was covered in blood. I started searching for a cut or a scratch... but there was none. The blood did not belong to me; I looked over to see if Russia was okay.

I let out a gasp as I could hear my heart breaking, the blood that was on my hands belonged to him, my best friend. When the son of a bitch, truck driver crashed against us, the windows in our car broke and they were sticking into Ivan.

No. No. No. Not him, he can't be.

"Ivan... if you can hear me, don't worry we are going to get out of this and survive, just hold on, hold on for me, I know you can survive this... you're a bloody nation... but you have to want to survive... please don't give up… you can't die on me" I say to him with tears in my eyes.

I held his hand waiting, but then I feel his fingers move. "Tell her that I will always love her, even though she doesn't love me-" he says quietly with the last of his strength.

He was still alive thank god. "She does love you... don't you dare die, just hold on please just hold on," I say as I hear the ambulance coming. I was about to continue speaking, but my eyes starting closing and I was too tired so I just let them.

 _Me: I'm so sorry for leaving this on a cliff-hanger, but this chapter is over 4,000 words so I had to spilt this into two chapters, and I will upload the next one next week. Unless I get enough comments that want me to upload the next one earlier, then I will try extra harder to try and update it earlier"_

 _Italy: *tried punching me but fails miserly and just gently slaps me* "how could you make Ludwig end up in a car crash, he better not die or I will never make any more pasta for you ever again."_

 _Me: "I'm sorry, I swear I will make the next chapter good and you will love it"_

 _Italy: "write it then!"_

 _Me: *shiver, not used to seeing angry Italy* "okay, bye readers see you again next week"_


	9. Chapter 9

_Me: "Okay I couldn't wait until next week to post this, so here is the continued chapter, hope you love it, because it made me cry as I made this. I know you hate me, but please read and forgive me…"_

Ludwig (Germany) p.o.v

There was nothing to see.

Nothing to hear.

Just this heaviness in my whole body, so heavy that I cannot move. I can't remember how to open my eyes. Then I start to hear noises.

The buzz of machines. Clicking of feet near me. Quiet talking. I lie still. I strain to hear and make sense of it all. I had no idea where I am and why? Next I feel some light shining on my closed eyes - a pink glow. I struggle to open them. Success.

I am in a bright white place. Someone is bending over me. He says my name. "Ludwig"

And then again.

"Ludwig"

I try to remember how to talk. No words come, but I blink hard. Again he calls me. "Ludwig" Again I try to answer. Suddenly I clear my throat. I think I am about to shout. But all that comes out is a tiny whisper "What happened?"

"Ludwig, you were in a car crash, you are fine you have no permanent damage you're going to be fine you can go home now, if you wanted to." The person says to me while holding my hand, then it all comes back to me the car crash. I then recognize the voice it was my cute little, Feli.

"Where is Ivan?" I croak out, looking around the room. Italy then looks away. "Ludwig... I am so sorry, but he was dead before the ambulance could save him…" Feli says to me.

I felt the tears fall down my face; I couldn't believe this was happening. I sat at that hospital bed with Italy, crying my heart out, wishing that I could just see him one more time; just be with him one last time. Just hear him laugh one last time. Just one last time... I instantly regretted all the times I ignored him.

Italy helps me up and carries me back to his car, and we drive back home. "Thanks for everything Italy, but I am fine now you can go back home now." I say knowing that Italy may have better thing to do right now, then staying and babysitting me, he had spent the whole of yesterday telling me about how he was going to visit his brother today to meet his new boyfriend Spain.

"No you are not fine, your best friend has just died how can you be fine, plus you have to tell (Y/N) what happened." He replies to me.

I smile at him thankfully. The door was locked, I looked in my pocket for the keys when I get them out I see the key ring attached to my keys. It was a picture of Ivan and me when we first met. I just burst out crying again. Italy grabs the keys of me and opens the door and brings me inside, I sit down on the sofa, and Italy puts his arms around me trying to comfort me.

Then we hear someone coming down the stairs. I look around and see (Y/N); it is obvious what she has been doing downstairs in Prussia room. But I don't mention anything as right now is not the time.

"Hey Ludwig, hey Feli... what's wrong... why are you crying?" she asks us oblivious to the pain that I am in. She did not know what had happened, and I don't blame her at all for Ivan's death, even though I should, but I just don't.

"(Y/N) I don't know how to say this but Russia and Ludwig... were in a car accident..." Italy says to her trying to explain this impossible situation to this girl. How can you tell anyone that someone had just died? I look at her and see her looking so pale.

"(Y/N) I survived but Russia... h-he's d-de-" I start to say with tears dripping down my face. But then she suddenly starts to scream and puts her hands over her ears. I get it; she does not want to hear the words that Russia is dead as; it makes it all too real.

Then I hear someone else running down the stairs. It was mein bruder. He must have been getting dressed as he was wearing his shirt inside out. Also he must have come downstairs when he heard (Y/N) screams.

He sees her in distress and puts his arms around her, trying to calm her down. She stops screaming after a minute and hugs Prussia, as she lets her tears run down her face. Suddenly she lets go of him and she runs back down stairs.

Gilbert looks confused, and seems to freeze for 10 minute, as if he does not know what to do. I start to tell him what happened, as he finds out about Russia being dead, he realized how much pain she must be in. So he follows her, leaving me and Italy here.

I look up at Italy and say, "how am I going to live without him, Italy? He was my best friend" he just nods, "I know."

I just sobbed harder as he put his arms around me…

"West... please help me." This voice behind me says. Suddenly Italy and me, we turn our heads to see the worst thing ever. I run up to Gilbert and say "what the hell has happened"...

Reader's p.o.v

"(Y/N) I don't know how to say this but Russia and Ludwig... were in a car accident..." Italy says to you.

What... that can't be true, you just saw him a few hours ago... he was sleeping, he was at peace...He can't have had a car crash it's impossible, the entire colour drained from your face and you could not move. You were frozen.

"(Y/N) I survived but Russia, h-he's d-dead-" Ludwig starts to say, as the tears dripped down his face, but then you start screaming and putting your hands over your ears. Maybe just maybe, if you don't hear him say it, it is not real, it did not happen.

Ivan is not de... gone. You hear Prussia running up the stairs, maybe because he heard your screams. He sees you in distress and puts his hands around you trying to comfort you... no you will not believe it, Russia is not...

You were trying to fight away your tears, as you pulled away from Prussia and ran down the stairs, heading towards Prussia's room, leaving Gilbert up stairs confused.

When you reached the room, you turned around and locked yourself in here, so that Prussia or anyone cannot come in. You started sobbing, you were inconsolable.

No one can describe what it feels like when someone close to you die, it feels like your brain goes completely clear of anything but their face, and a hole has appeared in your throat that keeps growing down to your heart, and you can't feel anything but that void. You feel as if the world is being torn to shreds and that everything is falling apart at the seams. You can't stand the fact that you will never see them again.

How could he leave you like this? You thought as tears stream down your face.

The last thing you had told him was a casual, "I think you're pretty cool, too."

You did not even tell him you loves him, or even say goodbye to him. You just left him a fucking note. You can't believe you will never see him again, you will never see his smile again, he will never make cheesy jokes to make you smile, and he will never put his arms around you and tell you how much he loves you.

You felt numb as this point, as the events rushed back to you again; you screwed your eyes shut, as the tears rolled down your face. You slide down to the floor; you hugged your knees and ducked your head down to rest on your kneecaps. It was all you could do before falling apart at the seams.

"Ivan… please no, no, I'm begging you Ivan, please. God no." your thoughts were on an endless loop of denial, you were unable to comprehend that he was dead. Your blood became ice.

"Please come back to me" tears filled your eyes "please don't be… gone" you continued to, lay on the floor, feeling like the world has come crashing down around you.

"Ivan please" you whispered weekly. "No…" you whispered "you can't be dead…"

 **He is dead.**

 **He is dead.**

 **He is dead.**

You broke down then, sobbing hysterically. You clutched your hair, your body was shaking, and tears were falling down your face. This can't be happening. But it was Ivan was dead.

You were crying now, deep unrelenting sobs that felt like they were going to rip you apart from the inside, "Why did you have to leave me?" your words were quiet now, barely audible to your own ears. You weren't sure how to stop crying now that you had started; the tears just kept coming in waves. You just want to die; All you want now is to see him again.

"Ivan…" you whispered hoping that this was just a big mistake and that he was not harmed and was perfectly fine. You felt your chest constrict, a tightness that hindered you from breathing, and you took in a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down.

It only took a few minutes till you were choking for air through your loud sobs. All you knew was that it hurt, it hurt knowing that you am never going to see Ivan's amazing smile ever again. It hurt that you will never hear him laugh as he watches the cartoons. It hurt and now your life was ruined forever.

EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING HURT.

You didn't think it was possible to have this many tears stored in me, you curled deeper into your ball.

You slowly break down and you just cry and cry. This pain was the worst pain you had ever felt in your whole life. It hurt so much. You needed to stop the pain; you needed to forget about this pain even if it is for a second.

You crawl over to under the bed and pick up the razor and you just kept slicing your arms, your thighs and any place you could find. You were bleeding all over but you did not stop, it was not working, you could still remember that he was gone. You suddenly stopped and let go of the razor when you felt faint.

You had lost a lot of blood. You just lay down on the floor crying.

"(Y/N), I know that I can't say anything about what had happened, I know that you are in pain I just... want you to know that I love you and please open this door," Prussia shouts through the door. He continues to speak but you can't make out what he was saying anymore.

Your eyes start to close. You know you should be scared, but all you can think about is how soon you will see Russia again.

He was the only person who had cared for you and had loved you when no one would, and he told you that he loved you, when he felt it... he didn't wait 6 years to tell you his feelings. You miss him so much. Maybe this is your chance to see him. The last thing you saw was Prussia sitting next to you.

Prussia p.o.v (15 min ago)

I watch as (Y/N) was getting changed, she looked so amazing; she was the strongest person I have ever met. She gave me one last smile before she ran downstairs to see who had just entered the house. I started to get changed fast, I didn't want to get caught by Russia again, and he was so scary when he caught me last time.

I was thinking about where Gilbert was… when suddenly I heard this heart breaking scream that belonged to (Y/N).

What the hell has happened? Is she in danger? I start to get dressed as quick as I could. I then ran down the stairs. Then I see (Y/N), she had her hands covering her ears and was screaming. I run up to her and put my arms around her trying to calm her down.

She was a crying mess on the floor. I sat next to her saying comforting things to her, as she stopped crying and then she put her hands around me. I was so confused, what has happened that has made her cry like this. I look up and see West and his boyfriend hugging him and crying.

I was so confused. Suddenly she pushed me away and ran back upstairs to her room. I was just sitting there frozen I had no idea what to do. I look up at West searching his eyes for answers.

"East, I think you need to go up and comfort her, she is in so much pain" West says to me. "Why? What has happened?" I ask.

"I and Russia were in a car crash and... he did not survive", West says to me looking me in the eye. He looked so broken. He had just lost his best friend, even though I hated the idea of them being friends, but I knew what it felt like to lose a loved one, a friend.

"I'm so sorry" I say to him before I run up the stairs to see what (Y/N) must be doing. I try to open her door and notice that she has locked it. Why would she lock it, what is she doing. She isn't going to... shit I need to stop her.

"(Y/N), I know that I can't say anything about what had happened, I know that you are in pain I just want you to know that I love you and please open this door" I shout at her trying to get a reply out of her. I press my ear against her door trying to see if I can hear her move. I listen for a couple of seconds. It was too unnaturally quiet.

"(Y/N) please don't pick up that razor. I love you please don't" I say to her. I knew that something was wrong in that second, as whenever I said to her that I loved her she would always reply. I start to kick the door down.

When the door comes crashing down. I see the worst thing I have ever saw in my life.

She was lying on the floor with her body full of scars. I was too late she had lost loads of blood. I see the razor near her hand. I pick it up and squeeze it in my hand not caring if it was digging into my hand. I didn't even care if I was going to be covered in blood and tears.

I put my arms around her body and started to carry her down the stairs. I was leaving a trail of her blood behind me. The blood was dripping off her. As I reach the bottom of the stairs I see that West and Italy were still sitting on the couch crying about Russia.

"West... please helps me." I say with tears dripping down my face, I was trying to get his attention. They both turn around and saw us.

They saw me covered in blood holding (Y/N) and her clothes were all red covered in her blood. West jumps out of the couch and starts running towards me. "What the hell has happened"? He shouts at me as he takes her off me and puts her down on the floor.

"I don't know she had locked herself in her room, and when I broke the door down I found her like this" I say to West, trying to help them stop her bleeding. Italy starts to call the hospital.

"Hello we need an ambulance... yeah... she is unconscious and not breathing..." he says into the phone trying to explain the situation. I sit beside her, holding her hand. "Please don't leave me; I can't live without you... I love you too much…"

Reader's p.o.v

You woke up surprised and confused. All you could remember was the pain you felt; when you found out that your Russia was dead. Then you snapped back into reality and realized you were in a hospital.

You opened your eyes, you try to get up but every part of your body was screaming in agony. You groaned, as you tried to lie back down in the hospital bed. The doctor was standing at the end of your bed looking at sheets of paper, which were in his hand.

You try to get his attention. But you feel so weird. "Doctor... What's going-" The doctor interrupts you. "Shhh don't speak, you need to get plenty of rest. After that suicide attempt, you are very lucky to be alive. We have decided after an evaluation of your strength that you can go home tomorrow evening, but you will need constant watch from Gilbert. We just want to keep you for another 24 hours for observation. So how are you feeling?" He asks you.

"I'm fine; I just really want to see Gilbert" you say so quietly, you wonder if he even heard you. "Sure you can, I'll bring him here, he was so worried about you, he stayed outside waiting for you all night, he refused to leave you, but I had to tell him to stay outside in the waiting room, until you woke up. I will be one minute, I will go tell him you are awake" he said before leaving.

The doctor returns in a couple of minutes with them. "Don't scare me like that ever again," Gilbert says when he saw you in this bed. He runs towards you putting his arms around you, while he let the tears fall out of his eyes. You return the hug as you stay in that embrace for as long as you could, it hurt too much to speak.

It seemed like hours before someone spoke.

"(Y/N), I have no idea what you are going through, but I want to let you know that I am here for you" he said as you pulled away from him.

"Anything you want, just ask" he said, you looked up at him and saw that his eyes were red as well, he cried to. You think about what he said, and then you know the one thing you really want right now. You wipe away your tears and then you stand up.

"Gilbert… I want to see the bb-body" you said as you looked him straight in the eye. "but-" he starts to say, and by the tone of his voice, you knew he was going to tell you that you weren't ready.

"No, Prussia, I want to see him" you said softly. He then nods and then tells you where they are.

You start to leave the room but then you saw Gilbert leaving with you, "Prussia, if you don't mind, I want to do this alone" you said quietly. He nods as he walks back inside, "if you change your mind, just call me and I will come" he said as he smiled at you. You nod at him as you left the hospital room.

Within a few minutes you had reached the morgue and then the people showed you to the body, then they left you to be alone with him. "Ivan?" you whispered as you removed the sheet. When you saw the damage you collapsed on the floor next to Ivan's lifeless body.

Tears were streaming down your face, a large lump in your throat. You panted heavily from having to run around the hospital to find this place. You looked at him again; you couldn't stop staring at the familiar eyes, they were staring off into the distance, never ever to look at you again.

You look at him and then you feel your heart breaking. You look away and then you turned to look back at Russia; you still couldn't believe that he was gone.

The brilliant, amazing, adorable Russia! It was absolutely heart breaking. You kneeled next to him once more, you mind was cloudy and you couldn't think straight. You thought about your relationship, you will never be able to be that happy ever again.

You reached out and then you took his hand into yours, it was cold and un-reacting. You sobbed as you lay your head on his chest as you cried your heart out.

"I love you" you said, and what made everything more badly, you knew that he will never ever say that to you ever again. You sobbed and sobbed your heart out, if tears could have brought him back, he would be alive right now.

You closed his eyes before collapsing onto the floor and continuing to cry, you had a feeling deep inside your heart, you don't know when the tears will stop or start. You looked around this room, it contained the love of your life, and this room made you feel so alone. You closed your eyes hoping you will never ever open them up again. You lay on the floor crying for hours and hours.

 _Me: *Comforting myself* "that was horrible, why do I do this to myself"_

 _Prussia: "because you are an idiot" *hugs me*_

 _Me: "I thought you hated him?"_

 _Prussia: "I do, but I hate how mein bruder and (Y/N) are in pain cause of his death. I would have preferred him to be alive so that they wouldn't be hurting right now…"_

 _Me: "I would have preferred him to be alive, but there needs to be some hurt in this story so then they can be some comfort… bye and see you next week…_

 _Me: "…also I know that when a nation dies they disappear, but in my story they don't so please no hate, I needed his body to not disappear… I also know that a Nation wouldn't have died so easily, but he did because he chose to give up cause of the pain, if he had decided to stay strong and hold on then he would have survived… sorry"_


	10. Chapter 10

_Me: "forget about the week thing, I will just upload whenever I feel like it" *crying in the corner* "I'm sorry"_

It seemed like a crime, you woke to the sound of birds singing in the light summer air. Of course using the work 'woke' implies you had slept. It was more like the birds stirred you back to reality after five hours of swimming in something different as you lay stone-still on your back in Russia's house, you needed to be here.

You blinked your eyes, they felt tired, as if you had been crying all night, you didn't recall crying, and when you touched my cheeks they were wet with tears.

you slowly sat up, robotically, letting the sunlight stream in through your window. A horrified grasp trapped in your chest as you turned to the window. Russia had always closed the curtains before you went to bed. He liked to sleep in darkness, so you would let him.

This was the first time since he was gone that you had not bothered to close the curtains out of habit. You had left them open… and he hadn't been there to object.

A frantic sob escaped your throat as you threw back the covers and dashed to the window. With all the force you could muster, you swept the curtains closed, blocking out the sunshine as you propped yourself up against the wall with trembling shoulders and then you combed your shaky fingers through your hair.

A small crack of light escaped through the curtains, shimmering into the dim bedroom and falling on the empty space on your double bed. It was so hard sleeping in your bed without Ivan's warm body.

The rest of the room was exactly how Ivan had left it, his clothes draped all over the furniture, his scarf leaning against the chair. It was one of the first things you noticed every morning, right after you noticed the lack of heavy breathing beside you.

Each morning it literally took your breath away, the same thing every morning, every day. There was no hope of getting him back; it was all quiet except from the birds.

You noticed the chirping again as you pushed yourself away from the wall and walked on wobbly legs towards the bathroom. The sound of the shower drowned them out, it just didn't seem right for them to be singing, not on the day when you would be burying him.

You got ready for the funeral and you waited for Prussia to pick you up. No one could believe that he was really gone; they all expected to hear Ivan's laugh, or hear him sing. You still couldn't believe that he was gone from your lives forever.

(Hour later)

Death is a strange thing, if one really takes a step back to look at it. One person, gone forever leaving behind all these things. Death is a pretty easy and simple concept. A heart that stops beating, a brain that stops stimulating. All of it done. Funerals, burial. It's all easy. Every time is the same, just with the different beginning.

You were sitting in a funeral for Russia's wake. You didn't know how to feel. Sadness of course. Negativity. you knew Ivan wouldn't have wanted everyone to be crying. Tears were never his thing, and they were probably never his intention. That though didn't matter much. Because he was always the strong one but now you had to be.

You were laid across a row of chairs with your head in Gilberts lap. His fingers were running through your lifeless hair. You were wearing a small black dress, but it was nothing special. Because you didn't have time or motivation to get a new one fitted.

What did it matter anyway? Your eyes were closed all throughout the service, and then you took a deep breath at the end when Gilbert had whispered for you to get up. You walked towards the casket first.

There he was, your pretty little Ivan, his hair was fluffy and soft, the way you had liked it. His face looked peace full... happy. Raising your hand, you ran a thumb across his cold cheek. "I love you, Ivan" and the fact that there would never be a response was what finally broke your control.

A sob rupturing through you, as you kissed the forehead of your love and then you ran away. you had never been much of a runner, you hated it actually. But this wasn't a run; this was an adrenaline fuelled escape from reality.

You didn't know where you were going. You weren't going home. You just needed to not be there. You needed to be away from this situation before it ate you away.

Three hours later found you shitfaced and high as a kite in some bar in some town that you didn't even care to know that name of. You knew better than to fuck around with anything other than weed, but you didn't give a flying fuck. What was the point of staying alive and healthy, if you were bound to die eventually? As you drowned another shot you looked around the spinning room slowly.

"(Y/N)?"

You knew that to be the voice of your best friend, and his brother. "(Y/N), how stoned are you?" he says to you.

"Not stoned enough," you grumbled pushing Gilbert out of your way. The insistent hand on your arm stopped you from going anywhere though.

"Get the fuck off me." you could not see straight but you knew that Prussia was somewhere in the area near you, you tried to punch him but failed. "Go away. Go home. Go live your perfect god damn life and just leave me the fuck alone."

You vaguely heard Prussia and the bar owner talking before, you were being lifted and carried outside. Then before you even realized, you were closing your eyes and you had passed out.

The next seven days were a blur for you. Between being high and drunk, you didn't do much else. You didn't even remember when you had last eaten. But this morning you sat in a coffee shop, one that you and Russia had zero history in, so there was no chance of you remembering anything about him. Across the table sat Gilbert and Ludwig.

"We're worried about you (Y/N)" Gilbert says as he brings the cup to his mouth. "Why? I'm a grown adult, I know what I am doing" you reply.

"But you don't. You're either drunk or high whenever anyone talk's to you and you keep crying (Y/N). I know this is hard for you. It's hard on everyone-" Ludwig starts to say before you interrupt him.

"Don't you fucking dare say this has any effect on you!" heads whipped around to stare, but the furious you did not seem to notice.

"You don't know what's it like to be alone, to know that the one person you could tell everything to suddenly isn't there and never will be again. You have no fucking idea, Ludwig! You have your precious Italy! So don't you dare sit there and say you do" you spat out at them.

Gilbert p.o.v

"You don't know what's it like to be alone, to know that the one person you could tell everything to suddenly isn't there and never will be again. You have no fucking idea, Ludwig! You have your precious Italy! So don't you dare sit there and say you do" she says to us two.

I took a deep breath, regaining what little willpower I had left not to throttle her. I knew she was upset, fuck she was allowed to be. But she was being dangerous, and reckless, and that was a whole different thing from being sad, and what she was saying was hurting me. She wasn't alone, she had me! Doesn't she know that?

"(Y/N), you're my best friend, and I care about you, and I'm worried that you don't know what you are getting yourself into. Your right, I have no clue what you're going through. But I do know that Russia wouldn't-".

"Don't..."

It was a weak warning from her. But I ignored it. "He wouldn't want this for you. He wouldn't want you hurting yourself. Yes, you have every right to be sad and upset and mopey and furious. But you can't do this to yourself. I refuse to let you!" I watched as she stood and walked outside, throwing her cup in the rubbish bin.

We followed her. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and leaned against the wall next to my best friend, and the love of my life. I figured it was best to stay quiet. I couldn't help but I could listen. So for an hour, I stood outside that coffee place and heard stories that I already knew from her about the happy times Russia and she had, I listened even though it was killing me inside.

Then when she fell silent, I spoke. "(Y/N)... did you ever think of maybe seeing a psychologist for any of this? They would listen. They would know what to do. But you can't keep on going on how you are; it's not good for you."

"Russia-" I said quietly as the tears drip down her face yet again.

"-Would want you to do whatever is best for you. Promise me you will be safe and you'll look for a way to feel better about this" I say trying to make her feel better. "I promise, for Russia" she says, I smile believing she is telling me the truth.

Reader's p.o.v

"I promise, for Russia" you say to Gilbert hoping he will believe you and then leave you alone. You knew you were lying, but you had no choice. How could he ask you to just forget about him? Gilbert smiles and then walks away.

You watch as he gets into a car and leaves. You turn around and run to the graveyard that Ivan was in. As you reached his grave, you place your right hand over your eyes as you begin to sob and cry.

You feel comforted as if he was standing right beside you, holding your hand while you cry for him. You wipe the tears from your eyes and sit in front of his headstone; you stare at it thinking about what could have been done.

This is all your fault, if you hadn't slept with Gilbert then Ivan would never have died. You were a horrible person.

Your eyes are red and still filled with tears. You now place your head on the headstone and a single tear runs down your cheek.

"You were the love of my life Ivan, the one person I knew that no matter what happened would always be there for me, no matter what. Even when we fought and broke up and got back together again, you were always there for me... and I couldn't keep you safe. As long as we were together we were happy, we were going to live together and have a family... I just… I just need you right now Ivan!"

You begin to cry even more as you hear no reply. you collapse onto the floor and lay there for hours talking to the grave.

(Week later)

All that was left of Russia was a grave stone, cold blocks of stone to remember the amazing man that you had loved so much.

You stood looking down at his grave for the second time and you felt the tears burn your eyes; you took a slow deep breath and felt a shudder move through your chest. You didn't know why and how the car crashed, you didn't want or need to know why, and you just wanted him back.

"I can't stop crying when I am thinking about you, I loved you and now you are dead. It has been a week and still I can't stop crying for you. Goodbye Ivan my love and goodbye to my dreams. I may never see you again, but I will love you forever, you are the love of my life. And now you are dead and I don't know what to do. You will forever be in my heart, I loved you and you loved me," you said as a tear fell down your face.

"I miss you, miss you so bad, I don't forget you, I hope you can hear me now from where ever you are right now, I remember it clearly the day you slipped away, it was the day I found out my life won't be the same, I didn't even get around to kiss you goodbye. I wish that I could see you again, but I know that I can't."

You said as you waited for something to happen, you wanted him to say something. But knowing that he will never reply broke your heart even more.

You straightened up your back before walking away, and you kept your eyes to the ground as you left the cemetery and then you drove all the way back to Russia's house. You stared out of the window as the rain came pouring down, your stomach was twisting and churning, it had been a week and you still don't feel any better, you were sure that the whole in your heart will go away but it just stayed, making you feel like you will never be whole again.

 _Me: "I know it seems sad here, but don't worry there is some comfort to come. See you when I upload next_ _"_


	11. Chapter 11

_Me: "took a while to write this, but here it is. Hope you enjoy it!_

-"

You got into your car after visiting Russia for what seemed like the hundredth time. You were not sure that you will ever be alright again, Russia was the only person that loved you for you and wasn't afraid to show it. You glanced down at your pocket as your mobile phone beeped. You sighed quietly and pulled it out of your pocket.

 _Haven't heard from you in a while, how are you holding up? – Prussia_

You rolled your eyes and stuck your phone back into your pocket, you didn't feel like talking. You had receded back into yourself. You don't talk with Prussia that much anymore, you just lock yourself in your room, and you barely talk to any of the other nations anymore.

You hadn't left the house much lately, come to think of it; you hardly left your bed. You recently had been looking through the local paper to find a new place to live, you couldn't stay here anymore. You just couldn't do it. You couldn't bear to stay in the house that you and Russia shared, and then have the constant reminder of what you had lost, what was taken from you.

What Russia took from me when he died, so did a part of you. You clenched your hand around the wheel tight enough to almost bruise your palm. You tightened your jaw and you tried to hold back the tears that threatened to streak down my face.

Sure, you went to see your friends for a while, you tried to go outside but you found out it never helped much. You would sit in front of your laptop sometimes and just stare at the screen, not even sure what you should be doing.

You got out of your car and just stood at the sidewalk, staring at the door to the house. You then heard your phone beep again, and you just rolled your eyes, you knew it was Prussia again. Didn't he have something better to do then babysit you? You let out a long sigh and then you walked back into the house.

You stood in the middle of the living room and you couldn't tear your eyes from Ivan's scarf. You pictured Russia sitting there while knitting; you sighed and felt another shudder move through your chest.

You quickly shook your head, "no," you signed as tears burned your eyes. "No," you walked away from the living room and up into my bedroom as you grabbed a bag you had packed earlier. You didn't want to be here anymore, you needed out.

As you grabbed your bag you looked around the room one more time and then you closed your eyes as a tear escaped your eye. You quickly wiped your tears away as you cleared your throat, and then you left the house while not looking back.

 _Don't bottle this up inside. If you need someone. I'm here – Prussia_

You bit your lip as you stared at your phone, then you quickly texted back.

Gilbert, please. I'm fine. No need to worry about me. Honestly- (Y/N)

It was within seconds that you got a reply.

 _Well, hey, friends worry about friends; you know you can call me anytime if you need me – Prussia_

You slipped your phone back into your pocket. You missed your solider, you missed your boyfriend, and you missed Ivan. You drove around for a couple of hours, but you couldn't find it in your heart to leave Ivan's house, so you returned.

That night you lay in your bed and then you stared into the darkness. You had tossed and turned for an hour or more and then you lay on your stomach, wrapping your arms desperately around it, squeezing your eyes shut and then you started to cry.

You gradually cried harder and huffed a little while trying to catch your breath. you felt a shudder move through your body as you mumbled into your pillow with a gravelly voice.

"I hate being alone, please Ivan. Don't be dead. I need you…" you said as you closed your eyes while dreaming about what could have happened if you had stayed that night with him.

(Early morning)

You lay in bed while staring at the ceiling, you hadn't slept last night. When you did sleep though, it wasn't restful; you consistently had nightmares, every night. You sighed and rubbed at your eyes, sleepily. The images of last night's dream tormenting your mind.

Your mind kept taking you back to the day that you had his cold lifeless body. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to will the images away. You sighed a little as you heard your phone been again. You reached over to the nightstand and then you opened the message.

 _I know you probably will ignore this message, but I thought you might want to get coffee this afternoon. Please. Text. Me. – Prussia_

You just sighed a little and stared at the screen for a minute. Prussia has been a good friend for the past week or so. He had been checking on you, making sure you were okay, making sure you were still alive. Even though you have been ignoring him for the past week.

 _Yeah sure. What time? – (Y/N)_

You closed your eyes and stayed that way for a few minutes. You hated that Ivan was gone. As much as the Russian annoyed you…you had loved him. He was the only person you had, that made you feel better than anything; he took your virginity and your heart.

You can't stand talking to people now, what was the point? It was driving you mad; you constantly thought about Ivan, you thought about how he crashed.

You then heard your phone beep; you then slowly opened your eyes to look at the message.

 _Is around 2 okay? Meet me outside the waterfall and then we can go to the café – Prussia_

You bit your lip and then typed out a response.

Sounds good. I'll see you around 2 then. – (Y/N)

Now all you had to do was persuade him that you were perfectly fine, great. You sat up and then you swung your legs over the edge of the bed as you stared at your phone. You scrolled through your list of contacts and then you found Russia's number.

You bit your lip; you were so temped to call him, just so you could hear his voice again, even if it's just his voice message. I bit the call button as I put the phone next to me ear and listened. As I listened to each ring, my heart broke even more.

"This is Russia so why don't you become one with me, da? Leave a message and if this is (Y/N), then I love you and don't forget me…"

Ivan's soft voice said.

You closed your eyes as the voice mail had come on, and a few tears ran down your cheeks as you listened to his voice. You signed and shudder a little refraining from sobbing again.

You quickly ended the call and then you tossed your phone on the bed, cradling your face in your hands. You cried quietly, you stopped though and then you rubbed your sore eyes. You glanced at the clock that read twelfth in the afternoon, and then you stood up to go and take a shower.

You hummed quietly as you stood under the hot spray of the shower, not in pleasure, and not in content. You were frustrated, tired and lonely. You just wanted to see Ivan again. You just didn't want him to be dead; you wished that this was all a horrible nightmare and that you would wake up any minute. You wished that you would wake up and find myself back at Russia's house with Ivan.

You let out a shuddered breath, breathing in the steam as you closed your eyes. You felt water, or tears run down your face, before quickly stopping yourself and then you carried on to wash yourself. You glanced at the clock on your phone as you pulled on your jacket. It was one thirty already, you sent Prussia a quick text.

On my way. See you in a bit. – (Y/N)

you stuffed your phone in your pocket as you headed to the sidewalk. Then you started to walk towards the small waterfall. Within 30 minutes you had reached the place, and you saw him waiting for you.

You could see that he hadn't been sleeping well-

Your thoughts were interrupted when he looked up at you. You then gave him a fake smile as you hugged and greeted each other. "Hey (Y/N), how have you been? Haven't seen you in a while" he asks as he looked you up and down with concern. You must have looked exhausted, beyond belief, not only was you physically tired, but emotionally and mentally.

You followed him out of the road as you shrugged, "I've been alright. Living, I guess," it wasn't really an answer you should have given Gilbert, but you had to talk to someone. You needed to get all of this frustration off your chest. You had been locked up in my room all the time, alone and depressed. Maybe this was what you needed, someone to listen, someone to care.

you sat across from each other at the café, and it had been all small talk for the past fifteen minutes, it had been awkward and uncomfortable for the both of you. You kept watching the sidewalk as people walked by, and Prussia watched you.

When he watched me he must have realized that you were waiting for him, and you were searching for him. You were hoping to see that swish of his coat, or soft white hair somewhere in the crowds hoping that you were wrong and he was not dead, even though you knew that was impossible, you were just hoping.

Gilbert bit his lip and then spoke with concern, "(Y/N). You do realize, he is not coming back, he is gone forever." He held in his breath not sure how you were going to react. He sipped at his beer a little as you turned around in your seat to face him.

"Don't. Not now. Not here Prussia. I don't want to talk about it" and that is what you did. As soon as someone saw you defenceless, and they came poking and prodding you, you would put the walk up again; pretending that you were fine and nothing could ever go wrong.

Prussia reached out, his finger tips gently touching the back of your hand. "(Y/N)… please. You need to stop. You can't just keep waiting for them. You are going to drive yourself crazy by doing this" he said as you looked down at your hands.

Your mind was somewhere else, thinking about the time that Russia and you were at this exact place. But then you looked up and saw Gilbert staring at you, "Prussia, he can't be. He just can't be dead" You said as you shook your head, as you tried to fight of your tears and then you slid your hand away from his.

You didn't want to be touched or be seemed like this. You felt that, if you kept telling yourself that he was not dead, somehow he won't be. You closed your eyes and then you buried your face in your hands as you tried to hide your tears from him.

You knew that Prussia was wondering what he should do, you watched as he put his beer down and moved, kneeling beside you and then he wrapped his arms around you whispering. "It's okay, I'm here" he said as he hugged you, while you buried your face in his neck as you cried.

You took a deep breath as you cried against his neck, you needed comfort, and you needed Russia. You continued to cry as you thought about Ivan.

 _Prussia: "can't she see that she is hurting me by ignoring me, I love her"_

 _Me: "I know but she was in love with Russia first, she has all the memories of them together. He was the one to first tell her he loved her, he was the one to comfort her… she does love you, but you have no memories of that kind of love together…"_

 _Prussia: "I know but it is not fair-"_

 _Me: "I'm sorry"_


	12. Chapter 12

_Me: "have fun reading as usual!"_

Prussia's p.o.v

I felt a sob build up in my chest and I sat on the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. I hated being alone, before I told her how I feel, I had come used to being alone. I was okay with being her best friend someone she could talk to and have a laugh with. But now she is ignoring me and it hurts so much.

I wasn't sure how long I sat on the floor, but the buzz from the doorbell shook me from the pits of my dark emotions. But I decided to ignore it, it can't be meant for me. It was probably for west, the only person who would come here for me was her, but she hasn't been here in weeks, ever since that day when she found out Russia was dead.

I stood in the small basement and the silence was deafening. I felt tears starting to burn in my eyes as the loneliness started to consume me. I felt a chill crawl up my spine and then I took in a sharp breath, feeling it shudder through my chest. I squeezed my eyes closed and then I felt the tears run down my cheek slowly,

I felt a sob build up in my chest and I sat on the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. I hated being alone, before I had met Hungary, I had come used to being alone. Then she showed me love, and she made me happy but that was all snatched away when she died. Now I was shown some more love but that was taken away from me. Because she is probably ignoring me, because she thinks what we did was a mistake.

I looked down at what I was holding. It was my old blade; I had never thrown it away even though the last time I had cut was over 6 years ago. But right now, the craving and needing of the pain came back to me. I needed to feel the pain again.

As I sliced deep into my skin, the door opened to reveal (Y/N) standing in the doorway. She then ran down the stairs and walked towards me.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!..."

I couldn't speak, I simple kept my eyes down and I just waited for it to be over. She kept shouting, but I just tuned her out while closing my eyes and pressing hard on the sleeve of my jumper. The hole in my chest had only been growing bigger and bigger and I had finally filled it when I had let my feelings out, but now she was just ripping it back open.

"Prussia, are you even listening to me?" she asked, shoving my shoulder. I flinched and curled inwards before recognising that it was her and that I wasn't going to get hurt. "I-I," I stammered. "Prussia, come on" she prompted. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that it is going to give me some relief" I snapped, turning my head to face her. "I was thinking that what was the point of even being alive when you were ignoring me! I was thinking that we had one night of mind numbing sex and then we never mentioned it ever again… I was thinking that maybe everything would be better if I was dead. But then you fucking came along and I thought maybe someone might care, but you didn't care," I started shouting, despite my voice breaking and tears starting to come into my eyes.

In my shouting I didn't notice the sleeves of my too big jumper sliding down even more and showing the rows upon rows of angry cuts and scars that littered my right arm, in the last few days. "P-Prussia" she said quietly, reaching a hand forward. I stared to snap at her when she noticed my arm, and quickly grabbing it back, tugging down the sleeve.

I sighed and slowly held out my arm, letting her push up my sleeves. "Why?" she whispered, looking up at me with tear filled eyes. "(Y/N)… I didn't… I couldn't tell…"

I simply shrugged, going numb inside. "Doesn't matter," I mumbled. She scoffed and shook her head, gently wiping away a trickle of blood from a cut that had reopened when I was rubbing on it. "It matters. These aren't anything, mate" she said softly.

"Its… you have been hurting and I haven't been helping, I've been stuck in my own world of pain to notice that I am not the only person hurting" she shook her head again and wiped her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Gilbert…"

I shrugged again, swelling thickly when I felt a limp in my throat. "I said it doesn't matter. Please just leave it… you don't have to care, okay?"

"You think I'm doing this because I have to do?" she asked in disbelief, looking up at me. "I wouldn't be crying my heart out if I didn't generally care about you." I didn't say anything, didn't even move this time.

So she sighed and kept talking, wrapping me close. "About that night, I just feel such guilt about what happened. I should've done more for him. If I wasn't here with you, then he would still be alive, and all that guilt is on me…"

I stayed silent for a while, my face pressed into her chest. "Please don't hate me," I begged after a few minutes. For once, I sounded vulnerable. Less of the brave person that she had become accused to hearing. I sounded like a little kid. Scared, confused, and needing someone to comfort me. She smiled softly and shook her head. "I don't hate you, Prussia. I couldn't"

I nodded, swelling again and wiping my eyes. I hated crying, and I certainly wouldn't cry in front of her. "Thanks" I mumbled, lifting my head up to look at her. "Means, um… means a lot," I cleared my throat and sat up, glancing around. "So what are you going to do now?" he asked.

"Mind if I crash here tonight? I'd rather not go home." She asks.

"Not at all" I said, taking a swig of my beer and wiping the tears away, "Hell you are here so damn much might as well keep some of your stuff here." She rose as eyebrow at me, what was I indicating?

"Yeah I might," she admitted.

(Next day)

I woke up beside (Y/N) sleeping body, with her head resting on my chest. This is what I wanted… but then why is it I still felt the empty whole in my stomach, I needed a distraction, I needed to forget this feeling for a while, even if it's for a few seconds.

I thought about the blades that I had in my pocket; I bit my lip as I imagined the sweet release I was going to receive in a few minutes.

I walked out of the room and into the bathroom; I closed the door behind me as I slipped my hand into my pocket.

My heart fell to my stomach as I wondered where my blades were, they were defiantly in my pocket when I fell asleep. Did I drop them? I rested my head on my hand as I wondered where it could be.

I slowly opened the door and walked out of the room slowly, looking around on the floor, trying to find my silver beauties. "Are you looking for something?" she asked suddenly as she appeared in the hallway, "no" I said a bit too quickly as I stood up straighter.

"Are you sure? Because I did find these beside you when you were sleeping, and I decided to take them" she said as she showed me my sharp blades, I bit my lip as I looked down on the floor. Why did she take them? Doesn't she know how much I need them?

I reached my hand forward trying to take the blades back, but at the last second she pulled her hand back and hid the blades in her pockets. "Please can I have them back?" I asked as I tried to get them off him.

"Prussia, I can't give them to you, while knowing what you are going to do with them. I hope you can understand that, but what you are doing is not going to help" she said as he backed away from me.

"You can't do that! Do you think you can stop me from doing what I want? Do you think you can control me? Do you think that I can't get any more blades? Do you think that you taking them will make a difference?" I said while gritting my teeth, I felt angry towards her, who did she think she was?

"(Y/N)… it's like I am drowning right now, I need saving. I need relief. The blades relief. And babe, I need that relief right now, so please give them to me" I said as I extend my hand out again.

"Prussia, I know what it is like, remember! But I just don't want you to do this, why don't you just talk to me about this, tell me how you are feeling? Take some relief in a different way?" she asked as she walked towards me.

But I pushed him away angrily, "I swear, if you don't give me them back then I will never ever talk to you ever again, I will start hating you and ignoring you, and then I will fucking leave you!" I said, as soon as the words left my mouth I instantly regretted them.

She looked shocked as she looked at me, I could see her sad expression like I had just punched her, I felt horrible, but I really did want the blades back, I can't live without them, I need the sweet relief of that silver. Right now I don't care who gets hurt.

"If that is what it takes to make sure you don't get your hands on these, and then go on ahead" she said as she looked up at me with her sad eyes that looked like they were full of tears. "Fine then" I said as I barged past her as I left the house.

Reader's p.o.v

"Fine then" he said as he barged past you and ran out of the house. You didn't know what to do. It hurt knowing he was cutting himself. You knew how he was feeling and you wanted to help him, but you knew how the feelings can become screams in your head.

You sat down onto his bed as you started to feel the tears falling down your face, but then suddenly you feel a soft purring sound by your legs. You removed your hands from your eyes and then looked down to see a large white cat, covered in scars.

You picked it up as you started to stroke it. It wasn't the normal pet you normally saw around here, it was one that you had once saw in Russia's house. You continued to stroke it until it jumped out of your lap and started taking a few steps, then it turned back to look at you.

It was like it was asking you to follow him, so you nodded at him as you stood up and followed the large cat out of the basement, then out of the house. You started to wonder where it was taking you when it started walking to the back of the house.

Then it sat down outside the window of the basement, you then noticed the broken glass heart fallen on the floor. You kneeled down beside it as you picked up the two pieces. One broken side had your face in it, and the other broken side had Ivan's face on it. You pushed the two pieced together, and it fitted perfectly to see a small quote written on it.

"We can rule the world with our love… my little sunflower"

You suddenly get a flashback of when the picture was taken…

 **(Flashback)**

" _I can't believe he won the war, it isn't fair!" Ivan said as he walked into your room, and fell onto into your arms as he started to shake and then you felt your shoulders go wet. "Don't worry babe, you can beat that dumb Americas ass another day, he may have won the war but you will rule the world one day, my sweet" you say as you stroke his back._

 _He doesn't reply as you lay back onto the bed, with his head still hidden by your shoulder, still crying. You place the duvet over the both of you as you started singing his favourite lullaby, in Russia._

 _(You are singing it to him in Russian, but I put it here in English because some of you may not know Russian)_

 _ **Tilly-Tilly-bom…**_

 _ **Close your eyes now…**_

 _ **Someone's walking outside the house…**_

 _ **And knocks on the door…**_

 _ **Tilly-Tilly-bom…**_

 _ **The night birds are chirping…**_

 _ **He is inside the house…**_

 _ **To visit those who cannot sleep…**_

 _ **Tilly-Tilly-bom…**_

 _ **Can you hear him closing in?**_

 _ **Lurking around the corner…**_

 _ **Staring right at you…**_

 _ **Tilly-Tilly-bom …**_

 _ **The silent night hides everything…**_

 _ **He sneaks up behind you…**_

 _ **And he is going to get you…**_

 _ **He walks… he is coming… closer…**_

 _ **Tilly-Tilly-bom...**_

 _You noticed that Ivan had stopped crying, and was now looking up at you with a smile. Your face lowered into his, and his lips that were so soft and smooth came in contact with yours. You slowly kissed him back, while running your fingers through his hair. He winces and pulls away from you. You must have touched a bruise or something from the war._

 _But before you have another second to think about it, he just pulled you back against him, turning this kiss more passionate, you were lost to the feel, the sensation, the electricity that shot through your body as his lips reconnected with yours._

 _You then pulled away from him as you heard him whine. "Why did we stop?" he asked in a childish voice as you giggled. "I want to take a picture, so I never forget this moment" you said as you got your phone out and took a picture._

 _You look at it as you smile, "it's perfect!" you say softly. "No it isn't, the picture isn't perfect. That's what we are" he says as he continued to kiss you._

 **(End of flashback)**

You cry as the memory stays in your mind, that was such a perfect moment even in such a sorrow filled day. You then had a thought run through your mind! How did this end up here? Then you realize that when you had slept with Prussia, you had heard a glass breaking noise. This must have been the cause of the noise.

So someone had seen you kiss Prussia, and the only person who could have brought this was Ivan. He must have brought this for you, and then got his heart broken when he saw you kiss Gilbert. No wonder he gave up when he was in the car crash. This was my fault.

You needed to talk to someone, you then decided to go visit Russia's grave again.

(Minutes later)

The air was bitterly cold, the kind that turns you breathe to ice, the kind of cold that makes it dance a thousand silvery particles. You wrapped your jacket more firmly and closer around your body. Tonight was still, no wind. The sky was a deep midnight blue and was dotted with no starts. Only a pale silver of the moon shone as you collapsed onto Ivan's grave.

"I miss you so much Ivan, I miss your voice, I miss you touch I miss your love. I hear you voice on the voice mail, but it doesn't stop the pain. I took for granted all the amazing times we had together, that I thought would last forever. Somehow I can still remember your laughter and you're smile," you said as you taste the tears that fall down your face.

you rest your head against the grave stone; you knew that you can't leave this place right you're your heart burned as if it was on fire, you gripped your arms as the tremors returned, and all you could do was sob your eyes out. You looked at the grave stone and wondered how this could have happened; you thought that you and Ivan were going to spend the rest of your life together, but now.

You brushed off the leaves that had fallen on his grave; with your fingers you traced his name… IVAN. Over and over again. You sighed and leaned against it again, there was so much you wished you could have told him before he had gone, and before he was involved in the accident.

Your adventures kept running through your head after that, you felt relived. Those were the happy days of your life. "I want you back, I just want to see you again" you said as you cried, you placed your hand in your and then you pulled out the two pieces of the broken glass heart.

"I'm so sorry Ivan… I should have chosen you…"

(Next day)

Prussia p.o.v

I was slowly regaining consciousness; the light from outside the small window was creeping through and hitting me directly on my face. I knew then that something was wrong, I didn't know what, but it just felt wrong.

As soon as I turned around to face the wall where Gilbird was normally flying about, I found out what was making me feel so weird. On the bed, there was a girl lying there… but it was not (Y/N).

What happened last night? I couldn't remember a thing. I got out of the bed, and noticed that I was not wearing any clothes. Shit, did I sleep with some other girl that wasn't (Y/N)? I started changing into my clothes that were scattered on the floor.

Who was this girl? I was just about to leave when; I heard her yawning and starting to wake up. "Hey Gilbert how are you this morning, just to let you know I had so much fun last night." She said while winking at me.

How did she know my name? "Who are you?" I asked, returning back into the room. She got up and looked like she was hurt. "You don't remember me, my name is Natalia. We met last night at the bar, and you slept with me."

She said pointing to the bed. She started walking towards me, with a sly smile on her face. "Don't go anywhere near me, I have another girl who I like. This is all a mistake," I said trying to leave. "It doesn't matter; I can be your naughty secret." She said as she pushed me against the wall, and started kissing me roughly.

I was kissing her back, but then, I saw (Y/N) face in my mind. I pushed her off me, and then ran out of the house.

I was looking around the street, trying to figure out how to get back to my house. But then, I looked at the house opposite us and realized that it was home. I walked towards the house, before I entered the house.

I looked back, and saw Natalia looking at me through her window, with a small smirk on her face. This was not going to end well, she lived right opposite us. If she talks to (Y/N) and tells her everything, then there will be no chance of us ending together.

I had two choices, I could tell her what happened, hoping that she will forgive me, or I could lie to her, and try and forget what happened. I decided that I will go for the second option. What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

Plus she doesn't need to know, it's not like we are together. But I did tell her I loved her, and we did sleep together and in anybody's terms that mean that you are in an relationship, but we never talked about it. I walked inside to see (Y/N) sitting at the sofa super gluing some heart thing. But when he turned around, and saw me, she decided to hide the heart thing in a cupboard before she walked towards me.

I didn't know how to act, the last time I saw her, I told her I hated her and wanted to leave her like everyone else. But now the sudden craving of pain and blood is gone, only to be replaced with guilt and heart ache.

But when she smiled at me, it was like everything from yesterday was forgotten. She wanted to act normal, so I would just go along with it.

"Hey babe are you alright? Where have you been?" She asked while smiling up at me.

"Ummm... I went to... the... ummm... pub with Spain and France" I said, before sitting beside her. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked looking worried. I just nodded, indicating I was fine.

"You went to the par-" She was about to ask me what I did, and I had no idea how to talk about my lie, so I did the first thing that came into my mind, I leaned in and kissed her... the first time in weeks and it felt normal and nice.

Her perfectly shaped bottom lip quivered and I finally realized how hard this had to be for her. I kissed her then. Her lips resisted at first and then I felt them melt into mine.

Her strong hand reached up and tangled into my hair and I felt the rumble of a soft moan as she let her instincts take over. Tilting my head, I deepened the kiss and traced my tongue against the contour of his tender lips. Her lips parted then and I could taste her sweet tongue as he ran in across mine.


	13. Chapter 13

_Me: "hello readers, I just want to thank everyone who reads this story and thank you for not giving up on this story, plus thanks for all the people who favourites or follow this story it means a lot, and I love the people who spent the time to leave a review because it means a lot, your reviews are what keep my writing this story, and I am so happy to see that over 1000 reads on this story and that makes me smile"_

 _Russia: "that's good, da? But you didn't have to kill me! Even though I kind of like the afterlife, its fun there are sunflowers everywhere and I always have some vodka with me"_

 _Me: "WHOA! Where did you come from? I missed you so much" *gives hug* "I know but you can't keep talking to me, I think the readers are waiting to read this, da?"_

 _Me: "okay, here you go. Have fun reading…"_

 **Prussia p.o.v**

I broke away from the kiss as I looked down at the slightly shocked girl in front of me. "I think we should talk about what this is?" I said as I pointed at the both of us. Half of me was hoping she would say there was nothing here, so then I could stop feeling guilty about what happened. But another half of me wanted her to say that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but either way I was fucked.

"What do you mean?" she asked looking confused. "I thought we were together, ever since the day we slept together. Isn't that what we are, I thought you were my boyfriend and I was your girlfriend? What did you think this was?" she asks as she looks up at me.

I stay silent as I think about my reply.

"I don't just let random people kiss me, or sleep with me if we weren't together" she said as she took a step back looking at me oddly. Was I making her feel confused?

"So do you-" before I could say anything she wrapped her arms around me, I relaxed as I returned the hug. "You were there for me when I was falling apart and when I needed someone to love me. You were the only person I could trust with anything, you made me feel safe and special. You made me laugh, and forget about the pain for a while. You make me feel loved, and that's why I love you" she said as I felt the tears falling down her face.

"I love you too" I said as I felt even more guilt enters my heart as I looked down at the love of my life. What was I thinking? She had tried to help me with my cutting when I was feeling like shit, and what did I do to repay her, I told her I hated her and then left the house, and left her alone. Then I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend, the only person I have ever loved since Elizabeth passed away.

 _ **Why do I keep hurting the people around me?**_

 _ **Am I trying to sabotage my life?**_

 _ **Am I trying to cause myself pain, as a punishment for what happened?**_

These and multiple other questions ran through my mind as I fell asleep with (Y/N) head on my chest, and with her trusting heart. What will happen when she finds out? She has already had her heart broken multiple times, and here I was telling her that I was different when I did exactly the same thing they did.

(Next morning)

"So what do you want to do today, Prussia?" (Y/N) asks me, as she walks into the room after having a shower. I turn around and just see her; a small smirk appears on my face. She was only wearing a towel.

"I don't know, but I have loads of ideas about what we could do now," I said grabbing her waist from behind, while she was looking in the wardrobe, trying to find some clothes to wear. "Gilbert get off me, I am getting changed," she said with a hint of annoyance and laughter tone of voice, while pushing me away. I back off and also change into some fresh clothes, while she does too.

By the time, I turn around; I see that she has already disappeared. "So seriously what are we going to do? I don't want to stay in this house all day," she shouts at me from upstairs. She must be getting some breakfast.

"I'll be up in a bit." I say, before I go upstairs to join her, I look out of the window in the room. I watch the opposite house, and notice that Natalia is just standing by her window watching this house.

As soon as she notices, that I am looking out the window at her, she gives me a creepy smile, which sends shivers down my spine. How could I have ever slept with her, she seems like a psychopath, or some crazy stalker at least. I close the curtain and walk into the kitchen to start talking to (Y/N) again.

"I want to go to the Zugspitze, it is a kind of a long mountain walk and it will only take us a couple of hours to reach the top of the mountain, and then another couple of hours to come back down," she says while taking a bite out of her banana, and then taking a sip of some orange juice. I watch her while she continues to eat. She looks up at me and raises her eyebrow.

"So are you coming?" she says. I think about it, and wonder if I should.

But then I thought, the farther away we are from here, the farther away we will be from her. "Sure," I say, but then I hear some people coming down the stairs. "Well hello, what were you two doing then, all alone in that bedroom of yours Ludwig for the whole night," I hear (Y/N) say.

I see Feli and Ludwig both start blushing. "We didn't do anything, I swear!" Ludwig says waving his hands about. "Sure you didn't!" I say sarcastically.

I look at both of them, it is so obvious what they had been doing. They both still had their night shirts on, and they both looked like they had slept in the same bed as usual. "No, I was just reading a book, and then I accidentally fell asleep on the bed with him" Ludwig says while his face gets redder by the second.

"Yeah sure it was an accident," (Y/N) says. (Y/n) and my eyes meet, and we both burst out laughing. "Hey Feli, me and Gilbert were thinking about going to the Zugspitze mountain and I would love it, if you and Ludwig come too. But remember that it is a walk, not a place where you too can make out. Okay?" she said while still laughing.

They both blush, that makes them both looks so adorable together. "You want to visit one of my favourite mountains, are you sure you have never been there before? I think I must have shown it to you, no? Oh Sure, I have nothing better to do, if you want Feli, we can," Ludwig says while looking at Feli. He nods while still holding his hand.

We start packing a small bag, filled with water and other essential stuff. Then all of us leave the house, and enter the black slim car that will help us get to the mountain, where the actual walk starts. Ludwig was talking to someone on the phone. But then he puts it against his chest and starts talking.

"Hey (Y/N), can one of my friends come with us to the park, she hasn't got anyone and she isn't liked much" (Y/N) just nods and asks, "Well who is it, do we have to fetch her from her house?"

Ludwig just shook his head and replied, "Nah she lives right opposite us, and her name is Natalia" I suddenly feel myself go as white as a sheet. What the hell is going on? Natalia is coming with us. This is not going to end well.

"You alright Prussia, you look a bit pale," (Y/N) asks me, with a concerned look on her face. "You know you can tell me anything, we shouldn't keep secrets if something's wrong, please tell me" She says, placing her hand on mine. "I'm fine, I just feel a bit hot." I say, hoping she doesn't hear the tremble's in my voice.

She just nods, and then turns around. She seems annoyed at me, but I don't know why, she doesn't know, does she?

"Hey, look there she is," Ludwig says, while pointing out of the window, towards that deranged weirdo girl. I look around and see that the only spare seat is beside me, as Ludwig and Feli are sitting at the front, and I and (Y/N) are at the back.

Natalia entered the car, and sits beside me while giving me an innocent smile, like nothing has happened between us. "Hey Ludwig, how are you? And who is your new friends?" She says, while looking at me greedily, that look scared the hell out of me, it was like I was a piece of meat, and she was the lion.

"Hey Natalia, I'm great; I suppose," West looks sad for a second but then seems to light up again. "By the way, this is my new friend, (Y/N) and she is amazing. This is my boyfriend as you already know, Feli. And that is mein bruder, Gilbert."

(Y/N) turns around, and I see a hint of pure hatred on her face, for a second but then she smiles and extends her hand towards Natalia who shook it.

"Hi Natalia, just to let you know I am loving that dress," (Y/N) kept on talking for a while, and they seemed to get along amazingly. I must have imagined that look of hate in her eyes. "... Oh and this is my boyfriend, Gilbert," She said pointing at me.

"Hello Gilbert" She says turning her hand towards me, but I refused to shake it. "Hi." I said my voice filled with venom. She smirked at me knowing that I felt uncomfortable.

I could literally feel the awkwardness in this car, for the rest of the ride no one talked except Feli who went on about pasta, how could West stand him. (Y/N) had her music on, I think she was pissed off at me, but wasn't saying anything.

We reached the place, and we started walking up the mountain.

"This looks so beautiful and amazing," (Y/N) said looking around at the forest and nature. "Yeah, but not as amazing as you" I say trying to make some conversation. She smiles up at me, but her eyes looked really sad, has something happened to her?

Is there something she isn't telling me, is she self-harming again? "(Y/N) are you alright?" I ask holding her hand. She looks down at our hands, and then nods at me. "I was thinking about Ivan, I think I am going to visit his grave again tomorrow," She says looking sad again. "Yeah," I say.

"Whe-" I stop speaking to (Y/N), as I start laughing hysterically, when I see West fall into a massive puddle of mud. (Y/N), Natalia and Feli, rush over to him and help him get up.

"I am so sorry, I shouldn't be laughing," I say, but then I see the look on his face, and I start laughing all over again, and so does everybody else, including West.

"I am going to go back to the car, and get a change of clothes," Ludwig says.

"I'll come with you" Feli says, with his hand around Ludwig's waist. "Don't get any ideas you two, we have to get in that car and drive home," (Y/N) says, while looking at them.

"Oh god (Y/N), we don't do that, why do you always think about that?" Ludwig says while looking sideways at Feli.

"Cause, I know you will." she says, before turning around and walking away. "See you back at the car" I hear Feli shout.

"So, when did you meet Prussia?" Natalia asks (Y/N) after a few minutes of walking.

"Well, we met when he was six years old and his mother threw him a birthday party, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to socialise, so she dropped me off there. The first time I saw him, he was all on his own playing with his small yellow bird, because everyone else wanted to play with his cuter smaller brother, I think he was a bit jealous. But in my opinion I defiantly preferred this albino then his brother. So I started talking to him, and since then we have been joined at the hip and having a laugh together" (Y/N) says, while squeezing my hand tighter.

"Yeah well actually, when she first saw me I was having an awesome time with my bird; I wasn't alone or jealous about my brother, but when I saw her it was the happiest moment of my life!"

Natalia looked annoyed, at how much I seemed to care about (Y/N).

"I love her too much to ever lose her, she is my life," I say while planting a kiss on (Y/N) lips, I didn't care if Natalia was there she needed to know that I loved my girlfriend, and wasn't going to repeat what had happened between us, ever again.

"Whoa, Gilbert what was that about?" she asked smiling up at me. "Nothing, I just want to tell you that, I love you." We both just stare into each other's eyes, for a while until someone breaks the silence.

"Hey look at the sea over there; I think you two should go swimming," I hear Natalia say.

I turn around and see the wonderful scenery and the bluest blue ever. I run towards the sea and bask in its beauty. "So you want to join me?" I ask (Y/N), while taking off my clothes and only leaving on my underwear, revealing all my deep scared body.

"I don't know, Natalia is here?" She whispers the last part to me. I was ashamed of my scars but I didn't care if Natalia saw them, she already knows if she had slept with me.

"Natalia, if you don't mind, can you go back to the car to get me a towel please?" I say wondering, if she was going to listen to me, she nods and turns around.

"Now, will you come in?" I say. She walks towards me, and then she runs her hand across my arm, over my scars. "I want to leave my clothes on," She says putting her jacket around her. "Is it because of your scars?" I ask putting my arms around her.

She nods, and turns her face away from me. "Your body is not ruined; you should never be ashamed of a scar that life has left you with, a scar means that the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain and have become a better person" I say while resting my hand against her shoulder.

"I'm not ashamed of my scars; I'm ashamed at the world for not understanding." She falls into my hug, and then puts her arms around me. "Okay, I won't force you too, but I am going into the water, just remember that your scars are what make you beautiful to me," I say before running into the sea. The coldness of the water shocked me, but after a while I got used to it. Suddenly a huge wave of water hit me that could only be caused by someone.

"You are beautiful too, you idiot," I hear (Y/N) say. She had decided to join me, I rest my hands on her scars, and I smile before pushing the water at her. "You drenched me Gilbert!" She says, while laughing. "Payback is a bitch!" I say. We swim together, for a bit before returning to land.

I walk over towards the place, where I had left my clothes. All I could see was an empty tree, and some sand. "(Y/N) did you hide my clothes?" I ask her.

She shakes her head and says "no, I haven't touched them, you know how much I love watching you with only your underwear on, but I would never hide your clothes, you know we have to walk back to the car, and it's a couple of hours away." I look at her and know that she is not lying, whenever she tried to prank me, she always ends up laughing. I then remember Natalia was here.

She must have done it. "Can I borrow your jacket?" I ask her. "Yeah sure, but what are you going to use to cover your legs." She asks concerned. "I know, I will become Tarzan, I will use the leaves," I say, while ripping some big leave of the tree.

I turn around after covering my legs with them. (Y/N) takes one look at me, and starts rolling over in her laughter. I let out a Tarzan style yell, while banging my chest.

"Aaaaah-ah-ah-ah-aaah-ah-ah-ah." I take another look at her, and she has tears in her eyes from laughing too hard. "Okay, come on let's get back to the car, I am freezing," She says.

When we eventually reach the car, I see Ludwig and Feli laughing together, but there was no sign of Natalia. "Hey you tigers, don't even try giving us any excuses, we know what you did," I say getting into the car. "No we did-" West stops talking, when he takes one look at me. "What are you wearing?" he asks trying to keep a straight face. "Well me, and (Y/N) went swimming and someone stole my clothes." I say, while I hear Feli laughing.

"Oh, so you were accusing us of being naughty, when you and (Y/N) were doing it. Tut. Tut. Tut." he says still laughing. "Hey, do you know where Natalia is?" I ask, because I did want my clothes back. "Oh, she was here about 20 minutes ago, she said that her friend was giving her lift back, as she couldn't wait for you too" Feli says.

"Oh okay, I think she was the one who stole my clothes," I say looking at the leaves still wrapped around my leg. "Oh, why would she do this to you, you only met today?" (Y/N) says with her eyebrows raised. "I don't know," (Y/N) doesn't say anything, but just nods and leans on my shoulder.

We start driving back to the house, and halfway there I hear a soft snore escaping (Y/N) mouth. She had fallen asleep on me. When we reached the house, it was night and the stars were shining bright. I carry her inside, and lay her in our bed. I kiss her forehead gently.

"Good night babe, I love you," I whispered before getting into bed beside her. "I love you too, good night" I hear her say. "Wait... what, you weren't sleeping and you made me carry you, down the stairs into our room." I say a bit pissed off, but still smiling. She giggles and then turns the light off...

 _Me: I am just going to repeat this if you haven't seen the new edit on my first chapter… If anyone of you need anyone to talk to, or are having any problems involving self-harm, then you should know that I am here for you and you can talk to me because I know what it is like, you can message me on whatsapp and no matter what time I will always reply._

 _Me: Or if you just want an online friend to talk to about Hetalia and shipping then I am also available for those fun chats. My number is 07966170701, and I live in the England so maybe you have to add +44 in front of it or something, like this +447966170701, please talk to me… I am so alone and I need some online friends._

 _Prussia: "Don't worry you have the awesome me" *gives me a hug*_

 _Me: "thanks"_


	14. Chapter 14

_Me: "so this is the second chapter that I will be uploading today, dammn I have so much ideas… "_

Gilberts p.o.v

I opened my eyes to reveal the morning sun shining on my face; I used my hand to cover my eyes, to block the harsh light from my eyes. I turned around in the bed, and got ready to put my arm around (Y/N) waist, to snuggle towards her.

But all I felt was an empty pillow; I got up to see that no one was sitting beside me. Where is she? Where could she be at this time? It wasn't even nine a clock yet. I went to the bathroom, and freshened up, for the day. I put on some clothes, as I looked around for my phone. I had two messages on it.

 _Hey babe, I have gone to visit America at his place. It'll be back in a couple of hours, see you in a bit, with love from (Y/N) xx_

 **Okay, hope you have fun love you. Lots of love from the awesome Gilbert xx**

I replied back to the first text.

 _Hey mate, you want to hang out at with us, if you want we are going to be at Antonio's house from Francis._

 **Sure see you there**

I replied in a matter of minutes.

I walk down the stairs, and walk into the kitchen to get some breakfast. I made some coffee and toast. While I ate it, I thought about Natalia…

Why was she doing this to me?

I know that I slept with her, and that was wrong, I must have hurt her feelings when I left her. But that doesn't give her the right, to torture me like this, showing up out of the blue, where ever me and (Y/N) go.

She just doesn't ever leave me alone. When I finished eating, I returned to the kitchen to put away my dirty dishes. As I turned around I saw West walking towards me.

"Hey Gilbert" he said, while smiling up at me, but there seemed to be in no tone in his voice. "Hey West, how are you?" I ask feeling a bit awkward.

"I'm fine and you, plus what are you going to do today?" he said, while walking towards the coffee maker. "I'm good" I say, while rubbing my hands together, I don't even know why, I seemed so nervous around him. He could know what I did; Nataliais her friend she could have told her.

"Plus, I decided to go over to Antonio's house and hang out with my trio" I said, while running my hands through my hair. I was sweating uncontrollably, Ludwig looked up at me with an accusing look in his eye, but he stayed silent. "Okay see you," he said taking his coffee with him upstairs.

That went okay didn't it? He didn't say anything, so that means he doesn't know. If he did then, he would have certainly told (Y/N) and then we would have had an argument by now. I went to have another shower, before leaving the house and heading towards Antonius's house.

I knocked on the door waiting for a reply. "Hey Gilbert, come in," Francis says while opening the door wider. I walk in to see Romano sitting on the sofa, playing a game while eating pizza.

When he saw me, he just looked at me up and down, and then just looked back at the game, not giving me another thought.

Then I see Antonio sitting on a sofa with Austria. "Hey Gilbert, come sit here," he says while patting the seat next to him, and then he was smiling up at me. They were acting normally with each other. I was so confused didn't Austria cheat on Antonio with Romano.

Francis closed the door and walked in beside me. "Hey does Antonio know about Austria and Romano?" I whispered into Francis's ear.

"Yeah, but he doesn't care, I think. Antonio and Austria have a weird and confusing relationship," He whispered back. I nod and the sit beside my Spanish friend.

"So how are you Gilbert? And how is your girlfriend? Anything happening?" Antonio asks, he was talking really fast, but I could understand because (Y/N) talked like a million miles per hour too.

"I'm fine, plus I and (Y/N) are fine and nothing much fun has happened, what about you?" I say "I'm good, but you know I haven't met anyone special yet you know. I want to meet a person who I will love, you know?" He says, while he was speaking, I could see Austria flinch when Antonio, said he hasn't met anyone special, he looked really hurt but she didn't say anything.

"Plus-" Antonio gets interrupted by a beep.

He gets his phone out and looks at his new message. "Oh sorry Gilbert, I got to go, I have a date tonight with this really hot model," Antonio says, after he finished reading the message.

He gets up and leaves the house. I decided to start talking to Romano, as Francis was in the kitchen and I didn't want to speak with Austria. He seemed like someone horrible.

"So Romano do-" Suddenly, I stop speaking when Romano stands up and just leave the room quickly, without saying anything.

He seemed so pissed off at me, maybe it is because my bruder was the person, who his brother was with?

Francis walks into the room yet again and says. "Hey, I need to go to my mate's house to get something important; I'll be back in a bit," He says before grabbing his coat and leaving.

The only person, I could talk to was Austria. Why was that name so familiar?

Austria? Austria? Austria?

Wait... no... I remember that name. Didn't Elizabeth used to date a guy called Austria, before she met me? Didn't he cheat on her with another nation?

"Hey did you used to date someone called Elizabeth?" I ask turning around on the sofa, so it was easier to face him. "Yeah, she was a nice girl," he said while messing with his long slender fingers.

"Did you know that she was my ex-girlfriend, and you broke her heart?" I say to him. He looks up at me; he looks like he was close to tears. He seemed so vulnerable.

"What's wrong, are you alright?" he seemed to fall apart on the sofa. "Well-" he stopped talking as he tipped her head sideways, maybe thinking about whether he should talk to me, whether he should trust me.

After a while, he comes to a decision and starts talking. "I liked Elizabeth a lot, I didn't meant to hurt her, but I started to fall in love with Antonio," he looked at me, wondering to see how I was going to react. I indicated with my head for him to continue.

"Yeah, so I left Elizabeth, and started dating Antonio. I though he loved me, but when I had to have an operation, I needed a lung…" I was so shocked, he looks so healthy though, and how could a nation be sick enough to have an operation? My mouth drops open, but he continues to talk.

"Then when I was with Antonio, he said that I had changed and he didn't want me anymore. But sometimes he would be really sweet and act like he loves me, but then he just ignores me and goes out with other people. I wanted a little bit of payback, I wondered if he was going to be hurt, if I slept with someone else, so I slept with Romano, his ex. But he didn't even care, and it hurts so much, knowing that I love him and he doesn't love me."

He starts crying on my shoulder, and I pat his back trying to comfort him.

"Shhh... Shshhh... Shshshs ... Don't worry, he doesn't deserve you," I say.

He gets off me, and starts wiping away his tears. "Can you please talk about something else then this; I need to get my mind off him?" He says.

I think about whether I should tell her about my problem. He has trusted me in his feelings; I think that I should too. "Okay, I have a problem, and don't know what to do," I say looking at the floor, feeling so ashamed.

"What is it, I can try and help you," he says giving me an assuring smile. "Well I have a girlfriend called (Y/N)" I say.

"Yeah, I have met her, she is some vicious person. I like her" he says. "Yeah, I know she is amazing, but I have done something horrible, I have cheated on her, and I don't know what to do," I say going red.

"How? What did you do?" he says, she wasn't judging me, and that felt good.

"Well I woke up in bed with a girl called Natalia, I had a one night stand, and now she won't leave me alone, she keeps following me, and I don't know if she is going to tell (Y/N). Should I tell her first?" I say.

"Did she mean anything to you, did Natalia mean anything and do you love (Y/N)?" he asks.

"No, she is nothing and yes I do," I say confidently. "Then tell her, if you don't want to lose her then tell her, just trust her," he says seriously.

"Okay sure. Thank you so much. I can see a great friendship happening here," I say pointing towards me, and then at him.

Suddenly, I hear the door creep open. I look over and see Romano standing there with a recording device in his hand, I groaned. I knew he hated me ever since he found out that I was the one that got his brother and my brother together, but I didn't know he hated me this much. He wouldn't do this would he?

"So what do you think, (Y/N) will think about you cheating on her with this Natalia girl?" Romano says while smirking at me, and shaking the recorder in my face.

I go pale white and look up at him in shock. This is not happening. "Please don't do this," I say, not caring if I sounded desperate. He changed his expression to one of hurt and pain.

"You broke my relationship with my brother, and now he spends more time with that potato bastard, then he does with me! I am blaming you for that; I wonder what it would be like now if your relationship broke apart" he says before running out of the house and probably towards Wests house.

I look at the time, and realize that (Y/N) must be home by now. I run out the door and chase Romano back. I needed to delete that recording. I wanted to be the person who told her, not Romano.

When I reach the house, I realize that the door is already open, and Romano was standing inside the living room.

"Romano, I thought I told you not to come here. Ludwig doesn't like it when you start arguing with me and him," I hear Feli say to Romano. Then I hear another voice, it was (Y/N)! She was in the room with them.

She must think that he is here to hurt Ludwig. She was trying to be a good friend.

I walk in time to hear Romano continue talking. "Wait, wait, and wait. I will leave, but you just have to listen to this," Romano says. He starts playing the recording. I could hear my voice on it. (Y/N) looks at me confused and then looks back at Romano. West just looks at me, like he knows what is going to happen.

 _ **"Well, I woke up in bed with a girl called Natalia; I had a one night stand."**_

 _ **"Well, I woke up in bed with a girl called Natalia; I had a one night stand."**_

Romano just kept on replaying it, over and over again.

I get ready to see the look of disgust, pain, horror and tears on her face. But when I look up at (Y/N) face, it had no expression at all.

She was looking at the wall saying nothing. "So what do you think?" Romano says while he smiled. Feli and West put their arms around (Y/N) and then Feli says "(Y/N) do you want to leave or something?" she still doesn't reply.

"(Y/N)?" I say in a small begging voice. She still doesn't respond.

"Aren't you happy, that I have told you about your cheating boyfriend?" Romano says. She opens her mouth, preparing to say something.

"I already knew he cheated on me, idiot..."

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	15. Chapter 15

_Me: "third update of the day, I am on fire"_

Reader's p.o.v (few hours before the last chapter)

You woke up early, as you needed to catch a train to reach the place that Alfred was at. He had told you where he was living, and you asked him if it was okay, if you came. He seemed happy to have you over.

You looked over at Gilbert, he was still sleeping. He looked so cute and innocent. You love him, but you shouldn't. He did cheat on you. It has been three days, and he still hasn't told you about Natalia, if she really didn't mean anything to him, then doesn't he trust you? Why isn't he telling you? You need to spend some time away from him for a while, to get your thoughts' clear.

You got changed, and leave the house as quick as you can. You walk into town, and catch the train to Alfred's Street. While you sit on the train, you get your phone out and start typing a text for Gilbert. He should be awake by now; it has been a couple of hours since you have left the house.

 _Hey babe, I have gone to visit Alfred at his place. I'll be back in a couple of hours, see you in a bit, with love from (Y/N) xx_

You press send, so he knows where you are. After a couple of minutes, you get a reply.

 **Okay, hope you have fun love you. Lots of love from the awesome Gilbert xx.**

You stare at the text for a while, just staring at three certain words.

" _ **Lots of love"**_

" _ **Lots of love"**_

" _ **Lots of love"**_

Why does he say that, when he never means it. Doesn't he know how much he is hurting you? Since the day, that Ludwig told me about how he saw Gilbert with Natalia, and how he slept with her. You have been trying to ignore the fact that he cheated on you. You have been acting for days now; you have acted like his touch doesn't repel you, and how you are so happy.

Can't he see the pain in your eyes? Doesn't he know, you have been crying yourself to sleep for days? Doesn't he notice?

You would forgive him quickly, if he just told you. Ludwig explained to you that Natalia was the kind of girl, who gets random men drunk, and then just takes them home. But the only thing, that you are still confused by, is why he was at a pub, in the first place. You rested your head in your hands; all this thinking was hurting your head.

The train stops, and you get out at your destination. You stop, and look around at the station. Alfred said that he would pick you up, by the train. Where is he? You sit down, at one of the benches waiting for him.

You were kind of annoyed at him, he was late. After half an hour, you see him just entering the station right now. He sees you, and then rushes to your side. "I am so sorry (Y/N), I totally forget about this," he says.

You nod, "it's alright, your here no-"

You stop speaking, as he gives you a hug, and when he pulls away, you see his sleeve roll up a bit, just enough to see his wrist. There were bruises all over his arm.

"What happened, Alfred what is this?" You say while pointing at the bruises. He covers up his arm, and just try's to think of an excuse, he could give you.

"I fell over yesterday, I am so clumsy," he says as he looks at you nervously. Many of the bruises were yellowing, indicating that they were at least a week old.

Others were obviously fresh; these had been sustained over time. You knew a bit of medical stuff, as your useless mom was a nurse. Tripping over, could not have caused this to happen. Maybe if he tripped over a hundred times, then that could be the answer.

But you could not say anything to him about this, until he was ready to, if you forced him to then he will just lie, and you won't get any information. "Okay, so where are we going then, back to your apartment because I really need to talk to you, I need your advice," I say.

He suddenly started shaking his head rapidly. "No. No. No. let's go somewhere else instead, like the park" He says. You agree, but you felt a bit confused, why he doesn't want to go to his apartment, what he is hiding?

You reach the park, it wasn't something special, and it was a small park with small children playing at the swings. You both sit down at the bench and start to talk.

"So what was it you want to tell me, it must be pretty important, because you came all the way over here?" He says. You look at him; he looks so broken, what has happened to him? When you didn't say anything he looked up at you, and stared into your eyes.

What you saw in his eyes, made your heart ache. His eyes held so much pain in them. You looked away; you knew that if you stared any longer, then you were going to burst out crying. You needed to calm down; he will tell you what is wrong when he wants to.

"You know Gilbert, has he ever cheated on any of his girlfriends before me, did he?" you ask him, because you knew that the both of them were close friends. He shakes his head violently.

"Why, oh my god has he cheated on you?" He says looking shocked.

"Yeah." you say quietly. "Gilbert? How could he have cheated on you, he loves you so much and he always used talk about you? Are you sure?" He says.

"Yes. But he doesn't know, that I know, that he has cheated on me. I don't know what to do, should I wait for him to trust me? Or should I leave him?" I ask Alfred.

"I think you should give him a chance, he will tell you eventually. But can you wait that long?" He says.

"Yes. I suppose I can, I do love him" you say. You look at him and see him smile. "You will sort this out; you two are made for each other," he says. "Thank you Alfred, now that I have spoken about my problem, do you want to speak about yours?" you say cautiously.

"Nothing is wrong, I am fine," he says, while running his hand through his hair. He was lying to me.

"Alfred please?" you say while placing your hand on his.

"I'm fin-" he stops talking, as he sees something behind you. From the look on his face, there must be something horrible behind you. Is it a serial killer, is a kidnapper, and is it a bomber. What is it?

Alfred was shaking uncontrollably. He looked like he had just been told he was going to die. "AMERICA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" You hear someone screech so loudly behind you.

You covered your ears, the man's voice was so loud, and it was killing your ears. Who is this dude, and why is he walking towards Alfred?

He walks right past you, and that is when you recognise him. It's England, Arthur. And he grabs Alfred's wrist, he was dragging him off the bench, and making him stand up beside him.

"WHO IS THIS GIRL? WHY WERE YOU HOLDING HER HAND? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?" he continues to shout at Alfred.

Alfred just stood there and took it; he was in pain, what was hurting his so badly? You look at this Stanger, and see that he is still grabbing Alfred's wrist tightly; he must be hurting so much due to the pressure on the bruises.

You stand up and yank his hand away from him. "What are you doing? Can't you see you are hurting him?" you say. He crosses his arms, and looks at you up and down.

"Get lost wanker, this has nothing to do with you," he says pushing me away. "Yeah it is, I'm his friend what are you?" You say pushing him harder. "I'm his Boyfriend, Arthur" he says grabbing Alfred again. "Come on, we are going home." he says to Alfred, he just listens and followers him.

Wait, he is his boyfriend? Well putting two and two together, this means he is the one who is hurting him. you catch up to this bitch, and slap him right across his face, you pulled his hair as hard as you could, you punched him in his stomach, then you take Alfred, and you were just about to leave when a police officer stopped you.

"Excuse me young lady, but what are you doing physically assaulting this man in public?" He says in a deep voice, while crossing his arms.

"Errrrm... Errrm... Errrm" you were thinking about how you could explain this, until the bastard started talking again. "Officer this person just slapped me, and hurt me for no reason, I was in this park with my boyfriend, and she just came and hurt me, and tried taking my boyfriend away from me," he said in an innocent small voice. He was such a good liar, but loads of abusive partners are.

You look at Alfred; he was going to stand up for me, wasn't he? "Alfred tell her to leave, and then I won't press charges," the bastard says. Alfred stares at the ground and says.

"Just leave, please," The idiot just smiles up at me.

"So, I think you are a very lucky lady, she isn't going to press charges. I think you should say, thank you," the police officer says. You turn around and mumble a thank you.

"Now leave these two alone," he says, grabbing you by the arm and taking you away from them. You need to help Alfred. You can't leave him like this.

You will tell Gilbert, and he can help you. You are still made at him, but this was more important than your feelings. The officer puts you in his car and starts to drive.

"Where should I drop you of?" He says. "At the train station, that would be nice," you reply. He nods and in a matter of minutes, you are at the station. You buy a ticket and board the train.

In a couple of hours, you reach back to Ludwig's house. You open the door, and see Ludwig and Feli sitting at the sofa watching a film; you think it was the titanic.

"Do you know where Gilbert is?" You ask. They shake their head. "Okay, I'll just wait here for him," you say as you finish the film with them. The credits came up and…

At the exact moment the door opens, and there standing in front of you was Romano. What is he doing here? He better not say anything to Ludwig, about Feli and him dating.

I look over at Feli and he looked terrified. "Romano, I thought I told you not to come here. Ludwig doesn't like it when you start arguing with me and him," You hear Feli say to Romano. "Ludwig does this happen a lot?" you ask, as he nods.

"Wait, wait, and wait. I will leave, but you just have to listen to this," Romano says. He was holding a small thing in his hand, which you didn't recognize. He pressed a button, and then you could hear Gilbert voice on it. You look at Gilbert as he has suddenly ran into the room as well, then you turn your attention back to Romano. Ludwig just stares at the floor looking worried.

"Well, I woke up in bed with a girl called Miley; I had a one night stand."

Romano just kept on replaying it, over and over again. This was Gilbert admitting what he did. Romano was standing there looking so proud of himself.

Your face, it had no expression at all. You were looking at the wall saying nothing. "So what do you think?" Romano says while he smiled. Ludwig and Feli put their arms around me and say "do you want to leave or something?" You still don't reply, you had no idea what to do.

You thought that when you talk about this, it would be when Gilbert was going to tell you.

"(Y/N)?" Gilbert says in a small begging voice.

You still don't respond. "Aren't you happy, that I have told you about your cheating boyfriend?" Romano says. You finally say something, knowing that your relationship with Gilbert is now over.

"I already knew he cheated on me, idiot..."

 _Prussia: "thanks for reading"_


	16. Chapter 16

_Me: "forth update of today, someone needs to stop me"_

Reader's p.o.v

"I already knew he cheated on me, idiot."

You say as Romano plays the recording over and over again. Gilbert walks up to you and puts his hand on your shoulder. You flinch away from his touch; you can't keep on acting in front of him anymore.

"We need to talk (Y/N)," Gilbert says, trying to walk towards you. You put your hand up, stopping him in his tracks. "Ludwig and Feli, are you okay to go in a room alone with Romano?" You ask looking at Ludwig. He looked up at you and nodded. Romano looked happy, as he stood next to Ludwig.

"Romano, I am warning you, you better not do anything to hurt their relationship. Or I swear I will burn the heart out of you," you say. He nods, and walks into the room with Ludwig behind him. As soon as they left, you started talking.

You suppose you needed to explain, how you knew what he did, and why you didn't say anything. "I knew you cheated on me, a few hours after you did it. Ludwig saw you leaving Natalia's house, and wondered what happened. So he phoned up her, and she told Ludwig everything. Ludwig then woke me up and then told me everything. I listened and went back to sleep, beside you. I needed to think about everything."

You looked up at him slightly amused. "Do you know that you are a heavy sleeper? I was crying for hours, while you were sleeping next to me." You suddenly looked sad again. He was about to step towards you again.

"DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME," you screech.

"If you have known for so long, then why haven't you said anything, when I woke up that day you were all happy, and you didn't mind me being with you" he says.

"There was a part of me that didn't want to listen to Ludwig, I wanted to ignore what you did, and I didn't want to leave you. I loved you" you see that he was crying.

"So, I made a choice, if you told me what happened, then I would forgive you, I thought that if you didn't care about that one night stand, then you would talk to me, you would tell me what happened," you start walking down the stairs.

"What are you doing?" he says pathetically. "I am leaving; I am going to start packing now okay" you say, as you run into the room that, you were both staying at. You get the suitcase out, and start packing your stuff. When you finish packing, you start walking down the stairs and get ready to leave.

"(Y/N), please don't leave me," he says in small whisper, that just breaks your heart into little pieces.

"Why shouldn't l leave you? You have hurt my feelings, you have broken my heart, I gave you my time, I gave you my trust and you betrayed all of it. You didn't just cheat on me, you cheated on US, you didn't just break me, you broke OUR future. Do you know the hardest part, about realizing that you don't love me, is that you spent so much time pretending that you did?" you say, while you were close to tears

"I wasn't pretending, I do love you," he says.

"Never say that again, because I might do something really stupid, like believe you" you reply. He holds onto your hand, and this time you didn't push him away. "I am so sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you," he says.

You look into his eyes, and it looks like he is telling the truth, you don't even know what to believe anymore.

"Don't try to say you're sorry, or try to make it right. Don't waste your breath because it's too late. Your love was a lie" he lets go of your hands.

"Are you ever, going to come back?" he asks. "I don't know the worst thing is after all of this is that, I still love you" he nods as the tears fall down his face. He gives you one last goodbye kiss, which makes you want to stay.

Suddenly, you hear a door opening, Feli and Ludwig leave the room together hand in hand, and so does Romano, he leaves the room looking like he has been crying. Ludwig looks at me, and notices the suitcase on the floor.

"What are you doing?" he asks you while looking confused. "I am leaving" you say, as you walk towards him and give Ludwig and Feli a goodbye hug. "I am going to miss you" you say, as you let them go and pick up your suitcase.

"Me too, I guess this is by then" he says. You should be comforting him. It looks like he has just had a big talk with Romano. You want to, but you don't have much time. You were just about to leave, but then you remember that Russia's house was a few miles away.

"Hey Ludwig, can you give me a lift?" you ask. He nods, and then turns around to speak to Feli. "I'll be back in a bit, why don't you go to your house and I'll meet you there, and yes we can have some pasta" he says after kissing him on his head, and then we leave the house together.

You open the trunk and put your suitcase into it. As you closed it, you saw Ludwig getting into the car. You close the trunk and join him inside, he starts the car and the car starts moving.

"So where do you want a lift to?" he asks you. "Errm to Russia's house," you say. He nods and starts driving towards the place. The silence in the car was deafening, until Ludwig broke it. "Are you alright?" All he did was say that one sentence, and now you were crying. "I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to make you cry" he says.

He stops the car, and parks it by the pavement. He wraps his arms around you. "(Y/N), it's going to be fine. He loves you, and you love him, you can work this out" he says.

What is he talking about, Gilbert doesn't love you. You push him away for the second time today. "If Gilbert loved me, then he would never have cheated on me. He doesn't love me" you say a bit angrily. "Okay, what are you going to do now?" he asks. "I am going to live at Ivan's house, and..." you stop speaking, as you realize you don't know what, you are going to do.

"Do you see anyway in the future, of you forgiving him?" he says, as he starts the car again. "I suppose so, but right now I can't even look at him, without feeling pissed off" you say.

"Do you love him?" he says, looking at the road. "I don't want to, but I do" you say, as you stop crying. Then you get a message.

 _ **I love you and I will wait forever for you if I have to, lots and lots of love from you idiot boyfriend Gilbert xx**_

You look at it and then put it back in your pocket; you ignore it and start talking to Ludwig again. "Then just take some time apart, and see how you feel in a week's time" he says, while smiling.

"Yeah sure, how was your talk with Romano?" you ask.

"Well you know him, all he did was call me a potato bastard, and told me how much I wasn't good enough for his brother, and then Feli decided to shout at him, I have to admit it was hot seeing Feli being so angry and serious. And then he kissed me, causing his brother to blush and get even angrier. It was fun," he says.

"That's good" you say. "We are here" he says, as he parks the car next to the mansion. You say your goodbyes and leave the car. You open the door and then once you were inside, you broke down and started crying for hours until you passed out from exhaustion.

(1 week later)

It was half one in the afternoon, and you were still asleep. You were in a foul mood. You just weren't ready for today. But you decided to get up and get dressed, as it has been 1 week since the argument, and Ludwig said he was going to visit you, to see how you were doing.

You get dressed and wait for Ludwig to appear. Somebody knocks on the door, as you get up to open it; you realize that it was Ludwig. "How are you feeling?" he asked, as he walked into the room.

Ludwig sits down onto the small chair, and you joined him sitting opposite him with the same identical chair. You were wearing a long sleeved shirt and some baggy trousers. He had his usual uniform on.

"So, what have you been doing lately?" he asked. You smiled your biggest smile, and told him a load of bullshit. You told him, that you were happy, you have been going out a lot and you didn't think about Gilbert at all. All of this was a big fucking lie. He seemed to believe you, but then he asked you a simple question that broke your whole act apart.

"Can you please roll your sleeves up?" he asked innocently. You shook your head slowly… "I can't the arms won't roll up, this is a tight shirt, and I have quite fat arms" you say trying to give him an excuse.

He walked over to you, and then he said "let me try then."

You had no choice but to offer him your arm. He rolled up your sleeves, and what he saw made him gasp. You had loads of scars on your arms, red and sore, some still bleeding from this morning. You pulled your arm out of his hand, and covered it up again.

"(Y/N) why are you doing this? I thought you were getting better," he said looking at me with his pitiful eyes. You bet he was thinking about how disgusting you are.

"Leave me alone," you shouted at him, as you locked yourself in the bathroom. He chased you upstairs and banged on the door.

"Please open the door, I won't say anything. Just please don't pick up the razor?" he begged. But you just ignored him. You were going to take a shower first, before you start to scar yourself again. You hear him leave the house, and then you hear his car drive away.

See he left you, like everybody leaves you.

Your mom left you. Your dad left you. Your friends left you. Russia left you. Why does everybody leave you? Is there something wrong with you? No one was in the house, so you started to sing some of your favourite songs. They helped calm you down, and the lyrics explained how you were feeling.

Gilbert p.o.v

It has been days since she has left… how much space does she need? I miss her so much; I have made the biggest mistake in my life. I haven't left our room in ages. All I do now is play with Gilbird, and I only go upstairs to eat, or have a shower.

I was finishing off a letter that I was writing. I thought it was going to be more romantic than texting her. I was putting all my feelings on this sheet of paper. I still wasn't sure if I was going to send it, but just writing it made me feel better. Just as I finished writing it, Ludwig walked into the room.

"Gilbert, I think (Y/N) is going to do something she might regret. I think you need to see her and talk some sense into her" I get up, I was worried instantly. What has happened?

"I don't know where she was" I say. He turns around and starts walking up the stairs. I fold the letter and put it into an envelope, and shove it into my back pocket. "Follow me; I will drop you off at where she was staying" he says.

I follow him, as he walks into his car. The start of the drive there, we didn't talk at all. It seemed like I was not even there.

"What did she say?" I ask. I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "Well I came to visit her today, a few minutes ago and she seemed fine, but I saw something on her arms, and I asked her to show me them to me" Suddenly Ludwig stops speaking. I know what he is about to say, but I don't interrupt him; he is going to say, what I have also been doing.

"Gilbert, she has been self-harming." Ludwig says quietly and slowly. I nod at him.

"I had guessed she would start again," I say not looking at him, but looking out of the window. "What do you mean, again?" he asks in a surprised voice. I take a deep breath and start speaking. "She used to self-harm, and I thought that she had stopped, I thought she would have stopped for me" I say. "How did you find out about it?" he asks me, while he is still driving.

"We were together an-"

I don't know, if I should tell him, maybe (Y/N) won't like it, but I think he should know. "She told me a few years back when she needed me. And then when we were together and were having our first time, that is when I saw all the scars all over her body, and she saw mine" Ludwig looks at me, with her mouth wide open with shock.

"You used to self-harm too," he says and I don't correct him, I don't tell him that I used to and still do.

"Eyes on the road Ludwig, we might crash" I say. He turns around quickly. "Yes, I did self-harm, you may not know but I was raped a few years back, I won't mention names because there is no point, and the past can't be changed. When we both found out about each other's scars, we made a promise to each other that we weren't going to ever do it again, now we have each other," I say as a silent tear falls down my face, as I realize that I may never have her again.

"Oh my god, Gilbert you have to get back together with (Y/N). She needs you" he says. "I need her too, because I love her." he nods, and then starts to park the car by a huge house.

"Look we are here now, here is the key" he says passing me a small metal object.

I nod and wait for her to drive away. In a matter of minutes, he was gone. I stand outside her door, wondering what I was going to say. I look up and see a shop ahead of me. It was a small pet shop. My face lit up, at I thought of what I could get her, to make her smile. I run across to the shop and step inside. I could see kittens, bearded dragons, hamsters, mice and other interesting animals.

"Hello, how can I help you?" A young lady asks me. I didn't know what to get her, what would make her forgive me. "What would you get for a girlfriend, if she was angry at you?" I ask her. She smiles and then goes to the back of the store, and returns back with a small adorable cute bird that looked identical to Gilbird, but this one was a female, with a bow on it saying.

"Love me please." I picked it up and loved it at first sight. "It is perfect." I say, as I start cuddling the small adorable bird.

"Happy to help," She says. I pay her the money, and return to the house that (Y/N) was staying at. I open the door, with the key that Ludwig gave me. It was kind of difficult, as I was using one of my hands to hold the bird, and the other to open the door. I quietly walk up the stairs. I was about to start shouting her name, but I then start to hear someone singing.

I guessed that it must have been (Y/N). She had a beautiful voice. I realize that she must be in the shower, she was singing. I heard somewhere that, when a girl sings a song that she really likes, it can show you what she is feeling. I sit outside the bathroom with the small bird, and listen to her sing.

 _"I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched, I wish that I could stop loving you so much, cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together, when all of the signs say that I should forget him. I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had, I wish that the good outweighed the bad, cause it'll never be over until you tell me it's over."_

" _Then just leave then, you shouldn't have but you said it, and I hope you never come back, it shouldn't have happened but you let it...mmmhmhm... That's why you're in a locker full of hurt, the enemy within and all the fires from your friends, the best medicine's to probably just let it win... mmmhmhmhm... I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love, I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much, mmmhmhmhm"_

" _See, you hope the wounds heals, but it never does, that's cause you're at war with love, Hope it heals, but it never does, That's cause you're at war with love! These battle scars don't look like they're fading, don't look like they're ever going away, I am not ever going to change..."_

How come I never knew she could sing this well. I sit outside the shower, listening to her singing. It hurt when I heard her singing this song, I knew that some of the words where directed towards me. She starts to sing a different song. While she was singing, I could hear her cry, and that made me just want to open the door and comfort her.

 _"You call to me, and I fall at your feet, how could anyone ask for more? And our time apart, like knives in my heart, how could anyone ask for more? And this kind of pain, only time takes away, that's why it's harder to let you go, and nothing I can do, without thinking of you."_

" _That's why it's harder to let you go, So I sit here divided, just talking to myself, Was it something that I did? Was there somebody else? When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears, sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear, said…"_

"… _I've been dying to tell you, That trying not to love you, only went so far, Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart, now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for, We just keep on trying, we could be much more, Cause trying not to love you, Oh, yeah, trying not to love you, Only makes me love you more, Only makes me love you more..."_

It is like, she is actually making up the lyrics on her own, is this she is feeling, am I hurting her this much? The song was defiantly directed at me. I wonder if she would be angry when she finds out that I am listening to her. This is something private to her, and I am evading it. She continues to sing again.

 _"I'm not a stranger, No I am yours, With crippled anger, And tears that still drip sore, A fragile frame aged, With misery, And when our eyes meet, I know you see, I do not want to be afraid, I do not want to die inside just to breathe in, I'm tired of feeling so numb, Relief exists I find it when, I am cut"_

I recognize this song and halfway through, I start singing the song with her, not caring that she could hear me. I needed to sing the song with her. This was our song, the one we had always listened together. I couldn't help but join in.

 _"I may seem crazy, Or painfully shy, and these scars wouldn't be so hidden, if you would just look me in the eye, I feel alone here and cold here, though I don't want to die, But the only aesthetic that makes me feel anything kills me inside-"_

Suddenly she stops singing as she hears my voice. The silence was killing me, what she was doing in there, was she cutting or getting ready to do something worse.

"Gilbert..."

Reader's p.o.v

 _"I may seem crazy, Or painfully shy, and these scars wouldn't be so hidden, If you would just look me in the eye, I feel alone here and cold here, Though I don't want to die, But the only aesthetic that makes me feel anything kills me inside-"_

You stop singing suddenly, as you hear someone singing the song with you. You recognized the voice instantly. It can't be, but you know it is.

"Gilbert?"

You say quietly waiting for him to reply. He doesn't say anything at all. You stop crying, and get dressed as quick as you can. You can't believe he has been listening to you sing, and he hasn't said anything.

How long has he been there? You step out of the bathroom and see Gilbert standing up with a small bird in his hands. Your heart melts, as you see the small adorable cute little bird.

"I got this for you." He says handing you the bird. You don't say anything, you just look at him. You hate everything about him, but why do you love him so much. You knew the only way, you weren't going to get hurt again from him, was too distant yourself from him.

"What are you doing here?" You say in a venomous voice. He doesn't answer your question, but tries to distract you.

"Do you like the bird?" He says with a hope full tone in his voice.

"I love it" you say with a softer tone, as you stroked the bird's head. He was really beautiful.

"Gilbert, what you did can't be fixed by giving me this bird" you say. "I know, but how long is it going to take. For fucks sake forgive me already" he says sounding pissed off.

What he said, was making your blood boil. How was he so sure, that you were going to forgive him?

"FUCK OFF" you say as he looks at you weirdly.

"(Y/N) let's just talk about this," he says, as you start walking away from him. He grabs your shoulder.

"GILBERT LEAVES ME ALONE, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY HEART?" you shout at him. He seems so hurt, he lets go of you and walks away. You run to your room, and look out of the window.

You see Gilbert walking away; he looks back one time and then notices that you are watching him. He waves good bye and then starts to run away.

You were about to just go back to bed and start crying again. But you hear a small whimpering sound; you look around to see the huge round eyes, of the cute bird staring at you.

What should I name her? You think about it for a while, and settle for the name of Oscar. It suits her. "Hello Oscar, why are you whimpering so much?" you ask her, knowing that she wasn't going to answer. Wait, she must be hungry. You get off your bed, and walk towards the kitchen so you could get some bird food to feed her, she is only a baby.

On the way there you see a small envelope, outside the bathroom door. You pick it up; it had your name on it. Maybe Gilbert had dropped it, when he was here. You take the letter with you to the kitchen; you put some bird food on a small plate, and let the bird eat it. While you wait for her to finish, you open the letter and start reading.

 _To the love of my life, (Y/N)._

 _I saw the look in your eyes, when you finally realized what I had done. Your pretty mouth dropped open slightly and you were at a loss for words, (Y/N). You didn't need to say anything, anyway, because I saw it all in your eyes, betrayal, disillusionment, revulsion._

 _In that moment, I just wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere and hide. But now that I understand the gravity of what I've done, my actions have filled me with self-loathing and remorse. It's difficult for me to look in the mirror and I'm not proud of the man I see there when I do._

 _I'm nervous about asking you to forgive me. I'm sure that you've suffered a great deal because of me, and asking for forgiveness is so much to ask from you. I also know that you might find it hard to believe my promise that I will learn from my mistake and never repeat it._

 _I truly never want to put our relationship on the line again. I hope you can believe that. Right now, I believe in us, Because of our past ability to work through our problems. I know we have never faced a challenge so difficult before, but I feel that we have been with each other long enough to know how to try. We know how to lift each other, forgive each other, and end up stronger._

 _That ability can only come from love. And that is what I feel for you, a love than is deeper than I have ever known, a love that can close this wound. I have no excuse for what happened and saying "I'm sorry" hardly seems adequate._

 _But if you could forgive me this time, I promise you this will never happen again. Both the suffering that I've caused you and the misery I feel now shows me that breaking my word causes too much damage to both of us to ever want to do it again._

 _She didn't mean anything to me, the night with her meant nothing to me, all that remains is guilt and a stronger resolve to be not only the man you want me to be, but to be the man that I want myself to be._

 _I know it may be difficult to believe right now, but I really do love you and have honestly never loved anyone else. In the past year, we've become so much a part of each other's lives that I really can't imagine my life without you anymore._

 _I don't think it would benefit either one of us to give up on this relationship yet because we've both invested so much of ourselves into it already and our good times have far outnumbered the bad._

 _I know I'm really expecting a lot to ask you to continue making plans with me and you in it, but the alternative is too painful to even consider. Please remember all the good times we've had already, as well as all the good times that are still out there waiting for us to discover._

 _I promise you a faithful companion who has learned his lesson and is more determined than ever to make you happy and stand by you as long as you will have him. I love you and I will never stop loving you._

 _Love from your faithful boyfriend Gilbert xx_

 **Russia: "the songs in this chapter are, 'battle scars' sung by Guy Sebastian. "Trying not to love you' sung by Nickleback and 'Cut' sung by plumb, I hope you enjoyed this chapter while I played in my sunflower fields"**

 **Me: "thank you for reading as usual, as please leave a review if you have the time"**


	17. Chapter 17

_Me: "I do not hate on Us/Uk but I had to make Arthur abusive, it's much more fun to write about"_

 _America: "Arthur doesn't abuse me; he is far too gentle to ever hurt me"_

 _England: "Yeah and in any case, its Alfred who has hurt me the most… when he rebelled"_

 _America: "I thought we were going to forget about that, I just needed some Independence. But I do love you"_

 _England: "I know, but it still hurts"_

 _*kiss*_

 _Me: *me enjoying the show* "enjoy the chapter"_

(Y/N) p.o.v

" _ **Hey (Y/N), I was wondering if you want to go and get some dinner with me and Feli- Ludwig"**_

You didn't want to go; you just want to stay in bed all day cuddling with Oscar. But you knew that, if you didn't go then he would come around, and ask you why you weren't going and what was wrong. You get up from off the kitchen floor.

"Oscar, I wonder, what I should do?" you say, as you pick him up and take him upstairs with you into your room. As soon as you sat him down on the bed, he falls quickly asleep after doing a cute big yawn. Well he seems like he is going to be fine, so you choose to go.

 _"Sure send me the details and I'll be there-(Y/N)"_

You send the text as soon as you could.

 _ **"Okay great, meet us at the bewitched restaurant, in half an hour, and dress up -Ludwig"**_ he replies.

Why did Ludwig choose the bewitched restaurant? Isn't it a romantic and really posh area? Why did he tell me to dress up? He must be planning something. You don't text anything back, and just listen to what he is texted.

Shit, you only have half an hour to get dressed. You open your wardrobe, and grab a small black dress that had small glittery blue flowers covering the dress. You put it on, and then you put a touch of makeup on.

You thought you looked okay, you were wondering if you should change the dress, as it was a bit too short, and your scars were visible, so then you decided to wear some black tights to hide them. You comb your hair; it was a bit crazy looking as the blue parts of your hair were everywhere.

You pet Oscar goodbye, and then leave the house. What was Ludwig planning, was it just a fun day out to try and Cheer you up. You reach the restaurant and enter it. It was a lovely restaurant with candles and beautiful chandlers on the ceilings. It was quite fancy.

You look across the room, and see Ludwig waving at you. You walk over to the table, as you get closer you see, that there were other people on the table. Sitting next to Ludwig was Feli, and sitting next to Feli was Gilbert.

You give a confused look at Ludwig, and he just ignores it and asks you to sit down on the table. you were sitting opposite Gilbert. That sneaky bastard Ludwig had planned all of this.

"Hey (Y/N) you alright?" Ludwig says brightly. "Yeah I'm fine" you say while narrowing your eyes at him. Suddenly Ludwig gets a text from somebody.

"Sorry Gilbert and (Y/N), but I and Feli have to leave, I have just found out that I... have Left the gas on" he says as he winks at me. You knew what he was planning to do; he is trying to get you and Gilbert back together.

You start shaking your head, and begging with your eyes to make him stay. But he just smiles, takes Feli's hand and then he walks away.

"Excuse me, are you ready to order" A German waiter says. He had a black suit on with a small bow tie.

You didn't know what to do? Should you go and leave him here? Or should you stay? You choose with the first one. You try to get up, but then suddenly Gilbert grabs you hand.

"(Y/N), please stay" he says with his puppy's eyes. "Just give me a chance" he says, as he looks up at you with a heart breaking expression. You nod and sit back down again.

"Shall I come back after a bit?" The waiter says.

"No we are fine to order now" you say. You pick up the menu, and chose the first thing you see.

"I will have a Solyanka, thank you" you say, as you put the menu down. You look over at Gilbert, and he starts to give his order too.

"I will have a Sauerbraten" he says, as he looks across at you. "Okay, I will be back in 10-20 minutes, with your orders" he says, writing down our orders and then disappearing again.

"(Y/N), you do know that Natalia means nothing to me. You are my world" he says, placing his hand on yours.

"I know" you say as you wait for the dishes. "Then why don't you forgive me?" He says.

"I could handle that you had a one night stand, I couldn't hand it when you didn't trust me enough, and to tell me what you did" you say.

"I'm sorry" he says.

"You know you left something at my house, when you left last night" you say looking up at him.

"Did you read it, what did you think?" He says, as he takes a sip from his glass of beer. "I love you, but I can't forgive you" you say, not looking at him in the eye.

"If you can't forgive me, it means you never loved me, I lied to you and cheated on you, but that doesn't mean my love was fake" he uttered under his breath.

"I think we should start again" you say. When you finally have enough courage, to look him in the eyes, you see the pain that he is feeling, but then he smiled.

"I would like that very much," just as he finishes speaking, the waiter had returned and was handing you your plates. You say your thanks before he leaves.

You place a spoon of the soup, in your mouth not realizing that it was boiling hot.

"Ow. Ow. Ow." you say, as you swallow the hot liquid. You couldn't spit it; you were in a fancy place. You look over at Gilbert, and he has an amused expression on his face. you raise your eyebrows at him.

"So you like seeing me in pain Gilbert?" you say. "You should have seen the face you were making" He said, as he continued to laugh and smile at you. You smile back, it seemed like you were on a first date.

It felt nice. You get a piece of bread, and flick it at him, it landed in his hair. "What did you do?" He says, trying to get the piece of bread out of his hair. "Payback is a bitch" you say, as you start to laugh at him.

"Please will you help me?" He says, while he starts pouting. You nod as you get out of your seat, and walk towards him. You flick the bit of bread out of his hair, and then you sit back down.

You both were sitting by a window, so you could see the street opposite. It was all calm, until you both saw a person dressed up as a banana. You think he was promoting some fruit. You both start laughing like teenagers, when you both thought it looked like something else.

"Stop being so immature" you say, as your stomach starts to hurt from all the laughing. As you were laughing, your arm on your dress starts to expose some of your recent scars.

Gilbert stops laughing as he notices it. "(Y/N), show me your arm" he said, holding out his hand. You don't give it to him; you cover it up again, and hide it under the table.

"Please, can you stop hurting yourself?" He says with a heartbroken look. "The only person that hurt me the most was you, I am not hurting myself, and I am helping myself," you say, as you get up and start walking towards the exit.

"What are you doing (Y/N), stay?" you shake your head at him. "I just want to go home now" you say, as you walk outside into the freezing air.

Gilbert pays for the dinner, and runs outside to join you. When he has reached you, he takes off his jacket and wraps it around you. "You looked cold" he said as you nodded, and pulled it more tightly over yourself.

"Let me at least walk you home?" He says, as he holds your hand. "Okay" you say. You both start walking towards Russia's house.

It was only 30 minutes' walk away.

"What do you call cheese that is not yours?" Gilbert randomly says. You look at him like, what the fuck is he talking about?

"I don't know" you say.

"Nacho cheese," he says. Is this his idea of a joke, which was just lame? But it was cute of him trying. "You idiot, that was the worst joke ever" you say in a loving way, as you smile up at him.

"Yeah I know," He says as he scratched his head. You reach the house. You stand by the door way, as you get your keys out. You open the door, but you don't walk in just yet. You turn around to face Gilbert.

His lips so soft yet sweet, there was a moment of hesitation you must confess, but you just smiled when your lips locked with his, the future flashed before your eyes. You pushed away, as you didn't like what you saw.

"I love you" Gilbert says breathlessly, while his forehead was resting on mine. "I like you too" you say, you weren't ready to say the actual word yet, you did love him, and he knew that, but you weren't going to say anything.

He nods, and then start to walk away. He turns around and shouts out. "(Y/N), me, Antonio and Francis are going to the park in an hour. Do you want to come?" He asks. You shake your head; you don't think you could handle the park, with them three. He looks sad, but he nods and leaves.

You walk into the house, and go up the stairs into your room. You smile as, you see Oscar still sleeping silently on your bed. You slowly step in to your bed, trying not to wake up your adorable Oscar.

As soon as you settle in to your bed, you hear a whimpering sound. You look and see Oscar opening her sleepy eyes, as she looked at you. She walked over you, and then sat on your pillow. She was rubbing her small face against your cheek. She was so soft; damn that was the cutest thing ever. You smile and eventually fall asleep.

(In the morning)

You slowly opened your eyes, trying to get them used to the harsh sunlight that was peeping through the curtains. You stretch your arms, as you try and get up. Oscar notice you waking up, and then she flew of the bed and starts pulling strands of your hair, trying to drag you down the stairs, and into the kitchen to maybe feed her. But she wasn't strong enough, as she was only a baby bird.

You pick her up and carry her to the kitchen. You feed her some baby bird feed. When she finishes you take her with you, into the living room.

You sit yourself down on the sofa, and place Oscar on your lap. You get the TV remote and press the on button. You were about to change the change the channel, until you noticed that there was some breaking news.

" **East Germany was attacked yesterday, from some unexpected people. They killed over 1000 people and injured over 3000 children and woman, this all took place in a certain park…"**

You stop listening, as you realize that Gilbert went to the park yesterday after he walked you home. You go pale white, as you think about what could have happened, plus he must be in pain, he must be feeling the toll of the country's pain due to how many people died, or it could be worse. Nations could die, and maybe he would do what Russia did! You can't let that happen.

You get your phone out as quick as your hand could. You dial Gilbert number, and put the phone against your ear, waiting for a reply, waiting for him to say something to you.

You waited for 5 minutes, and all you heard was his phone ringing. When he wasn't answering, that is when you knew something terrible, must have happened to him. He always answered his phone, he would never ignore you. You rushed out of the house and grabbed your car keys.

You take Oscar with you, as you couldn't leave her all alone in this house. You place her in the passenger seat in the car. Your heart beats faster, as you thought about what has happened. You get the car and start driving towards Ludwig's house.

 _Gilbert can't be dead, he just can't be._

 _You wish that you had forgiven him now._

 _You wish had never left him._

 _You wish that you could have said 'I love you' one more time._

There was so much stuff, you want to do but you can't cause he may be now gone. Your vision starts to blur, as tears started falling down your face. You wipe them away, as you reach Ludwig's house.

You try to pick Oscar in your hands, but he decides to fly and make himself comfortable in your hair instead, just like Gilbert does.

You knock on Ludwig's door. You didn't care how you looked; all you knew was that you needed to see Gilbert.

"Hello- What has happened you look like a mess?" Ludwig says, as he opens the door. You rush past him and look around the living room, before asking Ludwig something.

"Where is Gilbert?" You say as even more tears fall down your face. "He is in the basement in the shower" he says.

Thank god he wasn't dead, but he could be in injury and be in a lot of pain. You run down the stairs, while still having Oscar in your hair, and then you started banging on the bathroom door. "

GILBERT. GILBERT. GILBERT!" You shout desperately, trying to get him to come outside.

You didn't care that when, he opened the door he was only wearing a towel. You just looked at Gilbert, up and down and realized that he had no injuries. You wrapped your arms, around his soaking wet body.

You just needed to feel him; you just needed to know that what you were seeing was real. You rested your head against his chest, as you let your tears fall down his body. He wrapped his arms around you, and rested his chin on your head.

"(Y/N) are you alright, what's wrong?" He mumbles.

"I...ttt-thought you ww-were dead" you said, as even more tears fell.

"Why would you think that?" He says with his eyebrows pushed together.

"You said you were going to the park yesterday, and today when I woke up, I saw on the news; there had been a shooting at the park" you say, as you pull away from him.

"Oh yeah, I was going to go but then Antonio and Francis had text me, and said that they couldn't come, as they had some dates. Plus I knew about what happened, I was in agony yesterday but I healed fast, and got some help from Ludwig so he could help my people" Gilbert said, with his hand on his head.

"Thank god, remind me to thank them and Ludwig. If you went to the park you would have been dead right now" you said.

"Shhh… it's okay see I am fine" he says. "So you know I am fine, what you want to do now? Are you going to go back home?" He says looking sad.

You walk up to him, and hold his hand. "Gilbert I love you and always want to be with you. That girl means nothing to you, and she means nothing to me. Let's forget everything that has happened, cause I don't want to live another second without you" You say, as you plant a kiss on his lips.

When you pull apart, he smiles down at you "I love you too" he says, as he starts to blush.

"Why are you blushing?" you ask slightly confused, as you pulled away. "Ummm... I am not wearing a lot of clothes" he says quietly. You laugh, as you see his embarrassment.

"Well actually, I think you are wearing too much clothes" you said cheekily. He laughs as you look at him "so do you want to move back in?" He says. "Sure, but I want to do something else first" you say, as you lead Gilbert back to his room, and onto his bed.

(A few hours later)

You and Gilbert had a little bit of fun, after you found out that he was still alive. Then you returned back to Russia's house, to start to pack. Gilbert was kind enough to come with you, and help you. Then you returned in his car, back to the house.

"Thanks for helping me unpack" you say, as you put even more clothes, into our wardrobe. "It's okay" he says, as he pulls some of your stuff out of the suitcase, and then placing them around the room. You walk back to your suitcase, and pick out a small framed picture. You smile as you see the picture.

"What are you smiling at?" Gilbert says, as he sees you smiling.

"Oh do you remember when we took this picture?" you say, as you sit down on the bed, while still holding the picture. He sits beside you, and nods as he sees the picture.

"Yeah, it was when we went to that theme park, you and me went on that Apocalypse ride, and when we were screaming and halfway up, the person that we asked to take a picture of us, took a picture of us" He says, as he smiles as the memory.

"Yeah look at our face; we were both screaming our heads off" you say while laughing. You stop laughing, as you suddenly get a pain-full feeling in your heart, when you see in the distance of the photo, that there was Russia sitting alone with some Vodka.

"I miss him so much" you say, as you rest your hand on the small piece of his face. "I know," he says, as he holds your hand and stands up, and starts walking out of the room.

"I want to show you something, to help and cheer you up" he says. You stay silent, as you am a bit confused at where you were going. You walk into the attic, and then you climb out of the window.

"Come on, hold my hand" he says, as he gets out of the window, you nod as you give him your hand. You both get out of the window, and were now standing on the roof.

"Is this safe?" You say, as you were feeling a bit scared. "Yeah, as long as you are with me, I am going to keep you safe" he says, as he lies down on the roof. You smile and do the same.

"What are we doi-" you say, he puts his finger against your lips, stopping me from talking. "Look up at the beautiful sky" he says, as he points up at the night sky.

It was a dark beauty wearing diamonds all over. You think the night sky looks mysterious, eerie, calm, tranquil, but most of all entrancing. You can't help but look at them and wonder if there is other life up there, or if you have a meaning at all. It's just amazing to be sat here gazing up at the sky and you can understand why he loves them, and thought this was going to cheer you up.

The night sky is exciting to explore, from the stars to the moon, shooting stars and to the constellations your eyes can create with the stars it's truly a magical effect. It was the perfect night sky for me, the sky looks like it's covered by a dome and the stars appear to be closer. The darker the sky the clearer the stars appear. It's truly impossible to look beyond the captivating stars.

"The view… It is beautiful" you say breathlessly. He looks at you and then replies "I know the view is."

You were so happy now, you had Gilbert back, and nothing could ruin this moment. But even though nothing was wrong, you still felt like you were forgetting something.

What was it? It felt like something important. You look at Gilbert feeling annoyed, as why you couldn't remember anything. Suddenly it came back, the thing that you had forgotten.

How could you have forgotten this, how could you have forgotten about Alfred's abuse? You are such a horrible friend. You stand up on the roof, you both needed to go and get Alfred.

"(Y/N), what are you doing?" Gilbert asks confused. "Gilbert, I need to tell you something important about Alfred, he is being abused and he needs our help..."

 _Prussia: "Stars are really pretty aren't they?"_

 _Me: "hey, don't you care about Alfred?"_

 _Prussia: "I do, we used to be best friends. It's just we seemed to grow apart, I haven't seen him since the last world meeting"_

 _Me: "forget it, see you next time"_


	18. Chapter 18

_Me: "warning there is abuse and mentioned rape, it's not detailed but it's still there"_

Alfred's p.o.v (a couple of days before the previous chapter)

We were coming back in our car, back from the hospital. Where I had been for the last couple of hours, because Arthur had broken 5 of my ribs, and he had bruised me all over. It was a silent car ride home.

Home. I felt like laughing. Home was where one felt safe and secure, home was where you could do what you wanted, without feeling panicked and paranoid. Where I was going was not home. It was more like prison.

Arthur looked at me in the corner of his eye. We hadn't spoken since we got in the car, so I assumed it was going to be one of those nights. A night where we wouldn't speak about the incident for hours, a night where I wouldn't be able to sleep, knowing the morning to come would be a morning where everything was my fault.

It wasn't fair, and I didn't even know why I stayed with Arthur. I had blocked out the good memories I had of Japan, it hurt too much to remember how I used to feel, how I can't feel anymore.

Before I was a hero, I had amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend. But now? Now I was a horrific shadow of my former self, I wanted to be powerful; I needed to be in control all the time. I hated how much I had changed since the... abuse.

My stomach churned at the word, but who was I kidding? That's what this was, abuse. First it had started verbal. Nothing wrong there, I had been sad all the time and was not doing anything, and then Arthur had an excuse to be irritated, and say things he didn't mean. He said he didn't mean the things he had said. That is how I knew.

When we had been together for a few months, and then it happened. "Let's go to bed?" Arthur whispered, reaching for my hand. "I don't want to go" I say gently. When I didn't say what he wanted me to say, Arthur had signed in frustration, and purposely knocked some coffee over my picture of Japan, that I was holding.

I had jumped up from my seat, to avoid the coffee spilling on me, and looked at the spoiled picture on the floor. I narrowed my eyes at Arthur in anger. "You Bastard!" I had yelled. "Do you have any idea, how serious this thing you have done? Do you know what this means to m-" before I could say anything else, I was shoved to the floor and everything was spinning. Arthur had pinned me against the floor and had his way with me. I had no strength to stop him.

I shuddered at the memory, the evil look in Arthur's eyes, how desperately I wanted to wipe the hatred away from my boyfriend's face, and apologize for yelling, but how I also wanted to throw Arthur off myself, and kick him until he stopped moving. How I wanted to just twist his neck until he had went limp, while telling her how sick he was for the name calling, the violence and the late apologies.

Now look at me, I was bruised and battered, all for the man I had once thought, I might love. "I'm so sorry, babe" Arthur's voice broke. "I'm so, so sorry" my eyes travelled to my boyfriends, and I saw tears spilling from his eyes, that were still focused stiffly on the road. "I know" I said, as I looked back at the road. I hoped we crashed right now.

"Please forgive me, please. I never meant to hurt you, I just... you know what I get like when you...when you..." Arthur trailed off, whimpering pathetically. I was quiet for a few moments. I wanted to explode with rage; I wanted to throttle the man sitting next to me, the man that was supposed to love me. "I know" I said again.

"Do you forgive me?" Arthur said.

"It's going to happen again, and again, and again" I looked over at Arthur. "And you are going to apologize every time, promise me it will never happen again and we'll be back at step one" Arthur said nothing, but I could see the tears drying in his eyes, I could sense the anger rising, and I knew I was pushing it, but I just didn't care. Over the weeks of abuse, I would just block everything away from my mind.

"But it will happen again, will it not? One time, you won't be able to stop yourself. You'll hit me too hard, and you're going to kill me and you'll be standing over my dead body, telling me how sorry you are, and you won't be able to be forgiven" I felt the heat rising in my stomach.

"I'll be dead, and you'll be even sorrier then you are now!" I waited for Arthur to reply but heard nothing. I looked out of the passenger window, and said no more. I had said all I needed to say for today.

Today had been a very stupid day for me. There had been a circus at the town, and it reminded me of the date I had with Japan. It had been so long since I had thought about him, he was the love of my life, and how would I be able to forget him. I had returned back to the house, and took out another picture of Japan and me.

When Arthur came home early, he saw the picture, even though I was trying my best to hide it. Then the next thing I knew, I was shoved into the wall and had fallen on the floor from the impact, smacking my head on the coffee table. Arthur had kicked me various times in the chest, shouting about how useless my old boyfriend had been, and how much Arthur had helped me become a better person, since we had started dating.

Oh how much I wanted to interrupt him and tell him, tell him that I didn't have a choice, of me leaving Japan, I knew that it would not have helped the situation, I also knew I wouldn't be able to talk at all from the pain. This is why I had to go to hospital.

I heard Arthur mutter something under her breath, before gripping the steering wheel tightly. "You are lucky, I don't end it. You are nothing without me, Alfred" he says.

"I know, but at least I had a man that loved me" I say. "Shut your fucking mouth!" Arthur shouted, and then I went silent. I shouldn't have spoken in the first place; I should have just forgiven Arthur, and not have said anything else on the matter.

I look down at my phone, and look at the text that I have typed over and over again, but I was too scared to ever send it to any of my friends. I had said, "Please help me!" I erased the text for the millionth time. It was impossible to believe that anyone could help me.

(hours later)

"Hey, please babe, wake up" Arthur's voice pulled me out of my sleep. I blinked and looked up at the man that had hurt me. "What is it?" I asked, as I rubbed my eyes, and then flinching from the pain as I tried to move my right hand.

"That," Arthur laughed. "I thought I'd bring you some of those painkillers, so you don't wake up later in too much pain" I smiled up at him lightly, and then I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling very comfortable in my bed.

"I'll be down in a minute" I mumbled. "I brought them up, you idiot" Arthur knelt beside me, and held out two white tablets and a glass of water. I smiled again and sat up slightly, taking both tablets into my mouth and swallowing them both with the water.

"Thank you," I say, as I leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Arthur's lips, and then I lay back down. Arthur smiled eagerly, and stood again.

"I've been looking... at some support groups online, you know" he looked around the room, avoiding any eye contact. "I'll be downstairs, just call me if you need me, babe" he walked to the bedroom door, but before he left he peered back around the door. "I love you" I smirked and lifted my hand to lie lazily over my forehead. "I love you too" after saying that, I drifted back into sleep.

It was a few hours, before I woke again to the sound of glass being smashed. I carefully shuffled out of the bed, and to the bedroom door, wary of the sounds coming from downstairs. "Arthur?" I called, as I stepped into the kitchen, suddenly jumping back as another smash of glass was heard. Then Arthur was in my face, "I told you to call me, if you needed anything, what are you doing out of bed?" he was silently out of breath, his eyes were bloodshot.

"What are you doing?" I asked while pushing past him, to look into the kitchen. I was far from surprised, when I saw the glass littering the kitchen floor. "What happened in here?" I asked again.

I turned around back to Arthur, who was clenching and unclenching his fists, he was aggravated. "I just... well, you know, I just lost it" Arthur ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry" I looked more stunned, at the confession and apology.

"No. No. It's fine. Did something happen?" I asked, as I scanned the room. "It was just; I saw a picture of Japan" he said, as I flinched at the mention of Japan's name. "Okay" I looked at Arthurs fists shaking.

Before I could say anything else, my back was against the kitchen counter and Arthur was leaning over me. "Why don't we..." he kissed me deeply on the lips.

"...Go to bed?" I didn't need to think twice, before I thought about my answer, by the way Arthur was asking, he was obviously going to take his anger out at me. That would not go down well at all, especially with my injuries. "I don't think that's a good idea." I said feeling scared.

"Why not?" Arthur said as he frowned. I tried to push Arthur away, but he just sneered. "I'll be gentle of course" he says. "I said no," I said forcefully. "Oh for god's sake" Arthur sighed and pushed himself away from me.

He ran his fingers through my hair and pulled it. "You are so fucking selfish" he said. I knew what was going to happen. "Please don't" I begged. I tried to push Arthur backwards, and then I was darting for the hallway when Arthur swore loudly, then suddenly two hands wrapped around my arm, and pulled me backwards forcefully, I hissed from the pain.

"Where do you think you are going?" Arthur snarled pushing me against the wall. "Don't fucking walk away from me, you worthless shit" he says. I could only feel the severe pain, as my body was pushed against the wall and into Arthur body.

I tried to push Arthur of me, but then I received a backhand slap. I knew exactly what was going to happen, Arthur was going to force himself on me. The only way I was going to survive this, was if I blocked all my feeling out, until it was over. That is exactly what I did.

It was a few hours, until I was left completely alone. I had been aware of everything that happened during those hours, aware of the pain, the deep rotting feeling in my chest, everything. I sat on the kitchen floor feeling disgusted and pathetic. My heart, it was almost as if I was empty, as if I was broken, like a machine with a cracked gear or a missing bolt. It hurt. It all just hurt an unbearable amount; I grabbed my hair and pulled.

This was how it was going to be, wasn't it? Constantly falling for Arthur, and then being disappointed and beaten and then raped. How long would it be until everything just stopped?

I was lost; I had nobody to turn to. Who would bother to be a shoulder to cry on for such a pathetic person such as myself? There was (Y/N) and Gilbert, but they were together with their new lives, why would they care about me? Arthur was right, he was always right; I would have nothing, if he ever left me. After Arthur had finished with me, he had said, "you asked for it" and then disappeared.

Where? I didn't know, I didn't care. I just wanted everything to stop. I pulled myself off the floor with the support of the wall, rippling pain spreading through my body. I lifted my hand to my face, and then felt blood.

Obviously from Arthur, when he smacked me for trying to break away. Why did I even bother fighting anymore? In my time of darkness, I began to stumble towards the bathroom. A thought was poking me at the back of my mind, something dark. Something very dark.

 _You want to make it stop, yes?_

 **Yes he did.**

 _You know exactly how to make it stop_

And I did know. It was suicide. It was straightforward, simple and easy, depending on how you did it. Blood loss when slitting my wrists would take up to 7 hours, and I didn't want to have those thoughts of regret circling my head, as I watched myself die. It was stupid, and I didn't need it. Now an overdose, that was easier. Once I approached the bathroom, I searched the cupboard quietly in case Arthur was here.

I was trying to avoid looking at him, knowing that his look was just going to make me feel sick. I found a bottle of aspirin sitting near the back of the cupboard, without hesitation, I grabbed it and counted how many were in the bottle. Great, it was almost full. I would have put it back, if I thought twice about it, but I wasn't going to think twice about it.

The dark hollowness felt like it was growing in my chest, my shoulders weighed down, and almost as if they were cracking under some sort of pressure. No. No, I couldn't face this anymore. I was going to show everybody just how broken I was. I was going to get back at Arthur this way.

I can't fight this anymore. It felt like a clock was ticking quickly in my head, and I swallowed three pills at a time, until the entire bottle of aspirin was almost empty, already I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded, knowing I wouldn't need to take any more, or couldn't take anymore.

"Babe, what are you doing?" Arthur asked, he sounded wary. I looked into the bathroom mirror in front of me, and I saw Arthurs body standing in the doorway, his face was mixed with the emotions interest and confusion. I felt sick.

Suddenly my head was thrown forward, as I vomited into the sink; a striking pain was rippling through my body. I notice that I had dropped the bottle of aspirin, and it had spilled out over the floor.

Arthur gasped, and was by my side in an instant. "What the fuck have you done?" he yelled, as he forcefully turned me to face him. I sneered at him.

"You are scared. I can see it in your eyes" I slurred my words, and his eyes grew wide.

 _"I'll be dead and you'll be sorrier then you are now."_

And then I laughed at him. I laughed quite breathlessly, but I laughed. The dark feeling had lifted from my shoulders, I almost felt free when my body fell against Arthur. A black liquid was gasping at my arms; it felt like I was being pulled down, further and further. I could hear Arthur yelling, pleading and shaking my body, before I think she called an ambulance.

I was finally free.

 _England: "what are you doing, you wanker? I would never hurt Alfred like this!"_

 _Alfred: *feeling sick after reading the chapter* "I know you wouldn't, but I think I am going to be sick"_

 _*America runs out, and England follows him*_

 _Me: "they will be alright, see you next time"_


	19. Chapter 19

_Me: "enjoy!"_

(Y/N) p.o.v

When Gilbert and you were sitting at that roof and you had finally remembered what had happened. You had got up and told Gilbert everything that you had seen. Then you had both packed and left Oscar and Gilbird for Ludwig to baby sit, and then you catch a train to where Alfred was living.

When you knocked on the door of his apartment, no one answered. But after a while the next door neighbour told you that he was in hospital because he tried to commit suicide, and now we were at the hospital trying to find Alfred.

"Tell us where he is, where is Alfred Jones?" you shout at the receptionist. You were so worried about him. It is your entire fault that he is in hospital, if only you had never forgotten about what was happening to him, and then his boyfriend would never have driven him to commit suicide.

This is your entire fault. You start banging your head on the desk crying. "This is my fault; I am the worst friend ever" you say over and over again, while waiting for the receptionist to tell you anything about Alfred.

Suddenly two hands grab your shoulders, and pull you away from the desk, stopping you from banging your head.

"(Y/N), it wasn't your fault, you can't keep blaming yourself" Gilbert says, as he wraps his arms around you.

"But if he dies, I will never be able to forgive myself" you say, as you continue crying on him. He pushes you away and looks down at you with his crimson eyes. "Look at me, (Y/N)" he says, as you look up at him with your swollen eyes.

"He is not going to die!" He says.

Then suddenly a doctor tapped us on our shoulders. "Excuse me are you Alfred's friends?" He says.

"Yes" You both say at the same time. He nods, and starts walking away. "Follow me; I need to talk to you about Alfred" he says. We follow him into a small room, and sitting with us was Arthur, and it looked like he had been crying a lot.

Why was he here? The doctor could speak to you and Gilbert; he didn't need that dick in this room with you both.

You weren't happy about this at all. You wanted to punch the bastard in his stupid face, but that would not help Alfred in any way. The doctor looked up at both of us as he sat down, then he indicated with his head for us to sit next to Arthur. As Gilbert and you sat down, Arthur looked at you, and gave you the most venomous look before turning his attention back to the doctor.

The doctor looked at a piece of paper and started speaking. "Arthur" The sad excuse for a man raised his head, and simply said "yeah here" It wasn't a fucking register.

"Gilbert and (Y/N)" he said. "Yes" you both say, damn you both sounded like twins. "There is one other name that Alfred had also mentioned, when we had tried talking to him, can you care to explain who this person is?" He asked.

You nodded at him waiting for him to say some names. "kiku?" He asks. You couldn't speak; just the mention of his name was causing you to cry all over again.

Pull yourself together (Y/N); this all happened months ago why you are still upset about it, you thought as you remembered the day that your Japanese friend had been murdered, and found by Alfred on a street, covered in his own blood.

Gilbert noticed that you couldn't talk, so he started speaking instead. "He was our friend and Alfred's soul mate" he croaks.

"Okay that would explain why Alfred was saying his name" the doctor says. "Kiku was a bitch" Arthur says, as he turns around to face you. You were so shocked at what you were hearing, how could this dick say anything about your friend. He didn't even know him.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR I AM GOING TO SNAP YOUR NECK IN TWO" you shout at him, you were just about to get up, until Gilbert held onto your hand and stopping you from hurting him.

"Yeah he was a bitch, even after he is dead, he is ruining my relationship with Alfred" he says still looking at his nails. You were trying to calm down, but when you heard him say Kiku was ruining his relationship, it just made you want to hurt him so badly.

"KIKU LOVED ALFRED AND WOULD NEVER EVER HURT HIM, BUT YOU…" you shout as you point at him.

"YOU ARE KILLING HIM INSIDE, YOU DROVE HIM TO COMMIT SUICIDE" you say, as you were just about to hurt him, the doctor started to speak.

"Do you want to know how Alfred's procedure went?" He asked quietly. You all nodded.

"Then can you please calm down, and sit back down" He said. You listen to what he says, as you want to know how Alfred is. "The procedure went according to plan; Mr Jones will need at least a week of recovery. He is currently sedated meaning he is awake, but he is just very weak" He says.

"So, now what?" Arthur asks. Oh how much I wanted to punch this stupid bastard off the earth. "Well you can go in and visit him, or you can go home" The doctor says.

"I'll... I'm going to go in and speak to him. I just... I have to make a call first" Arthur was almost out the door, before you could make a snide remark about his fucked up eyebrows.

"We want to see him" you say to the doctor. He nods, and walks through some double door and on wards into Alfred's room. Then he leaves you both alone with him.

You couldn't help feeling frustrated with yourself for forgetting to save him, it was wrong of you to forget about this. No. You shouldn't think about your bad friendship right now. Your main priority had to be Alfred.

You approached the door of room 221, and you quietly opened the door, feeling a shiver go down your spine, as you looked at Alfred's weakened body in the hospital bed. You also felt anger. So much anger, you were holding Gilbert hand and your hold on it increased as you heard Gilbert gasp.

"Sorry" you say turning around for a second. Gilbert nods and pulls two chairs beside Alfred's bed, and then you sat down, before starting to speak softly to him.

"Alfred?" A pair of dim blue eyes were on the both of you in an instant, you both smiled kindly at him. You were trying to hide your surprise, as you could see so much hurt in those eyes, there was so much defence in his eyes. That Arthur had ruined such an amazing man.

"Gilbert? (Y/N)?" Alfred says quietly, his voice dry and collapsed of any emotion.

"How are you feeling?" you ask. "I'm fine" he says again in his monotone voice. You looked around the room before speaking again.

"You're obviously not. Do you know what had happened?" Gilbert says as he joins the conversation. Alfred wasn't looking at any of us now; he was just staring straight ahead. "I had a headache, I took some aspirin" He says. "You took over twenty, you overdosed on aspirin" you saw Alfred tense and then look away.

You needed to warn him about Arthur coming.

"Your boyfriend…" You spat out the word "boyfriend" with disgust in your voice. "Your boyfriend will be in to see you soon, he-" Alfred turned his head to me, and Gilbert in an instant.

"No, don't let him come in" he says sounding scared. You paused before asking him a question. "Why not?" Even though you knew the answer; it didn't mean you couldn't ask. If he did not want to see him, you had to give the doctor a reason why.

"I can't face her. Not yet" Alfred's voice went quiet again, but this time he was looking at you. You were quiet for a few second, considering your next sentence. "We can help you, you know" you ask. "What do you mean? I don't need help" Alfred narrowed his eyes.

You scoffed, "oh you do" you say softly.

"I don't thin-" you held up your hand up, stopping him from speaking.

"You are our friend, and you need our help" you say.

"I don't need help. I am fine" Alfred shouts out.

"I am fine" he says. You didn't believe a single thing he says, but you didn't tell him. You didn't want him to feel like he is forced to tell you anything. You want him to trust both of you, and then tell the both of us.

Alfred's p.o.v (few days later)

I felt terrible. Beyond terrible if I was honest; it felt like someone had dropped a brick on my head, and tried yanking my insides out through my throat. Every time I moved, I felt ill and sluggish. It was difficult to move my arms, it was almost as if they were being weighed down, suddenly I could feel the amount of blood in my body, and it was making it difficult to move.

Mentally, I was exhausted. I just didn't want to try anymore, what was the point? They were keeping me alive when I had nothing to live for, it was pointless and stupid.

I just wanted to be completely alone. It had been around three days since I was brought in, and during that time the only people that made my stay here easier, was (Y/N) and Gilbert.

They would come in every so often, to check if everything was fine, which it was, but when they left, I began to feel slightly panicked and anxious. Every person that would pass my room, I would begin to think that it was Arthur. I honestly only ever felt safe, with my friends in the room with me.

The doctors have told me that if I tried to commit suicide again. I would be transferred to the psychiatric ward. This didn't scare me in any way, because I just didn't care. As soon as I got out of this hospital, I would have to go straight back to Arthur anyway, it made no difference where I was, or who I was with, I would need to go back someday. That is what scared me the most.

"Alfred?" (Y/N)'s voice broke through my thoughts, and then I looked up at (Y/N), she was with Gilbert, but Gilbert didn't say anything. I suppose it was cause he didn't know what to say.

"Hey you two" I said shortly, while watching them both bring a chair beside my bed, and then sitting down. "I was thinking we could maybe have a chat?" They said.

What do they mean? I can't tell them anything about Arthur, if they found out, they would be disgusted and then leave me. "About what?" I asked warily.

"Anything really, but specifically personal things" she said, as she smiled. I thought about this for a few seconds, what was I supposed to say. "I won't push you to answer something you don't want to answer" (Y/N) cut in, as if she was reading my thoughts.

"All right" I agreed, as sat up straight. (Y/N) smiled again, "amazing."

(Y/N)'s p.o.v

You wanted to help him; you could not express that enough. You wanted to drag Alfred away from this all, you could see how easily effected Alfred was by all of this. The man tried to bloody kill himself.

Alfred used to smile all the time, was always happy and was in love. But now, he was too quiet for your liking, and he hardly ate and drank, so they had to keep him on the IV, and he always looked pale and exhausted. You wanted to make Alfred smile again, and laugh.

It was hard to see him fail to laugh, and may never smile again. The thought of Arthur made my blood boil, what a disgusting person, you wouldn't let him step one foot in this hospital, as if your life depended on it.

"Where are you going to go when you leave here?" you asked out of curiosity, after trying to make him eat something, which he didn't.

"Home, where else?" He said. You dreaded the thought of that. "Why do you keep going back to her?" you asked.

"That ... That bastard" Alfred let out a short laugh, and it made you smile for a second, it was the first time he has laughed, since you have seen him here in this hospital.

"I don't know," he began. "I'm nothing without her" He said. This just made you get even angrier, how could Alfred even think that.

"No, it's the other way around, he is nothing without you" you said, while leaning back in your chair. When Alfred didn't reply, you started to speak again.

"So, it was him that made you do it?" you asked. Alfred looked away, "I don't know" He says. You nodded slowly, and went to speak again but Alfred spoke again.

"I... I felt lost. Disturbingly lost, I was destroyed - ruined because... because of him. I needed to be in control again." His voice was low, but you listened carefully.

"What did she do?" you ask.

"She broke me, (Y/N)" Alfred shook his head.

You stared at Alfred, and immediately you could see all the hurt in his eyes, you placed your hand over his, without realizing it but you continued to speak anyway.

"Let me help you" you say.

Alfred gave another short laugh. "You can't help me" he says. "I can try please" you say. Alfred looked back up at you and then at your hand, that was covering his.

"How?" he asked. "I'm sure, I'll find a way" you smiled and this time he smiled back.

"Can I talk to you (Y/N)?" You hear Gilbert say. He hadn't spoken at all for a while; you had forgotten that he was even still here. You nodded and turned around to Alfred. "I'll be back in a bit" you say. You see the fear in his eyes, cause of him being alone again. It hurt, but you knew that you had to talk to Gilbert.

You let go of his hand, and walk outside with Gilbert. "What do you want to talk about?" You ask him. "What are you doing?" He hisses at you. You look up at him confused.

"What did I do?" You ask.

"You were holding his hand, and have been spending loads of time with him and ignoring me" he says, with fear in his eyes. You understood what he was feeling, but what could you do? You were comforting Alfred. You hugged Gilbert.

"Gilbert I love you, and you are my boyfriend, you need to trust me, I am not going to leave you, for our friend Alfred" you say, as he relaxes into your arms.

"I know, I am acting silly, it's just that we have just gotten back together, and I still think that you haven't forgiven me yet" he says.

"You silly moose, I love you and I have forgiven you," you say, then you let go of him and start to walk back inside the room. Before you enter the room, you turn around and say. "Gilbert can you wait outside, I don't think Alfred likes it when you are in the room and you don't say anything" you say. He nods and sits on the chairs outside.

You went back and you sat next to Alfred, you sat there until Alfred had drifted into a sleep, since Alfred had told you so little, about how he was feeling since he was put in the hospital.

You had decided to try and find ways to help him feel more comfortable, one of those was fear, which you could understand. Alfred had admitted in very few words, about being scared, well feeling paranoid that Arthur would come and find him and, "finish him off."

You had promised Alfred that was never going to happen, as you put it, "over my dead body." Bloody too right over my dead body, Arthur wasn't going to step an inch into Alfred's room, he wasn't going to lay a finger on him ever again, and you were going to make damn sure of it. You took to waiting until Alfred was asleep, until you would leave, but you would check up on him every hour.

Alfred was your main priority at the moment, so everything else had to wait, sadly that included Gilbert. Just as you were about to start talking to Gilbert, you saw a tall figure with huge eyebrows enter Alfred's room.

 _ **OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!**_

You darted down the hallway. You went to barge into the hospital room, but decided to wait by the door and peek in, when you saw Arthur sitting on the chair, with his head resting by Alfred's legs. He was speaking quietly; it was obvious that he was crying, his voice was whiny and full of emotion.

Alfred, however, looked distant, as if he wasn't listening to anything, that Arthur was saying. "-I'm such a horrible boyfriend, I can't believe I made you do this to yourself, I'm so sorry," there was a tense silence, as Arthur's sobs could be heard. It made me feel sick. So this was how he drags him back, he says sorry and practically drowns himself in self-pity.

"Babe, please say something" Arthur looked up at Alfred. "Do you know why I overdosed?" Alfred spoke quietly. Arthur opened his mouth to reply, but Alfred cut him off.

"Because of you" he says loudly. "But you are okay now, we can-" he starts to say.

"I WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!" Alfred's voice rose louder.

"Do you have any idea, how much you have destroyed me? Does any part of what is left of your brain understand how sick you have made me?" Arthur gripped Alfred's hand, and tried to calm him down.

"Shush, babe, its okay now" he said. "It's not fucking okay" Alfred sat up straight, and began pulling out his IV tube and that is when you rushed in.

"You have killed me!" Alfred hissed and then Arthur got off the chair, and started backing away as much as possible, while you tried to hold Alfred down.

"I THINK IT IS BEST, IF YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" You yell at Arthur, over Alfred's shouts.

When he didn't move, you shouted louder, "GET OUT!" Arthur stared wide eyed, and darted out of the hospital room. You felt silently relieved, he was gone.

"Alfred, Alfred calm down" you pinned Alfred's arms, down beside him.

"He's gone, Arthur is gone" you say. But Alfred still struggled, telling you to "get off me" and "let me go."

You had no choice, but to call for the doctors and the nurses. They sedated him, and put the IV tube back in again. This was painful for you to do, to see Alfred break down like this.

You hated Arthur more than ever, right now. Once the nurses had sedated Alfred, you looked at the blood on your hands from Alfred's arm and then you sighed, this was horrible and this made the ache in your chest throb so much.

You were breathing heavily from the exertion of trying to hold Alfred down. You were also frustrated with yourself, you had promised, you would help Alfred as much as you could, you could have avoided this, you could have stopped Arthur, if you would have just waited around for a few minutes more. You felt so bloody guilty.

 _Me: "please review, it would mean a lot if I knew that people liked this, because I don't know if I should continue this or not"_


	20. Chapter 20

_Me: "enjoy"_

(Y/N) p.o.v

Silently you entered Alfred's room; you discovered that Alfred wasn't sleeping, more so he was reading a book. You were happy to see him up, lately he seemed as though he didn't have the motivation to do anything.

It was quite dark outside and with the dull lighting in the room; you tried to adjust your eyes to the sudden change in lightening. "Hello (Y/N)" Alfred's smooth voice broke the silence, which you were trying so hard to keep; you didn't really want to disturb Alfred.

"Evening" you say, as you smiled and sat down in the chair. "How are you feeling?" you ask. "I'm fine" he said.

You nodded, that was a typical answer. "It's just well after today-" you were cut off from speaking by Alfred. "I said I was fine" Alfred said quickly. "All right, all right" you say, as you put your hands up in defeat.

"I more or less want to apologize" you say.

"What for?" He asks. "For leaving your side" you admitted. "I went to talk to Gilbert, and when I came back there he was here. I'm sorry" you say. "Don't be ridiculous" Alfred scoffed. "You couldn't have known" he said.

You paused and then gave a breathless laugh. There were a few moments of silence, before you stood to say goodbye.

"(Y/N)?" Alfred spoke softly. "Yes" you said.

"If... if you really love someone, you wouldn't hurt them, would you?" He asked me. "In no way, shape or form would you hurt them." You replied seriously, sitting back down.

"I see" Alfred said quietly. When he didn't say anything more, you spoke softly to him, "How long did it go for?" you asked, Alfred was silent first before speaking.

"No more than a few months," he said. "Why didn't you tell us?" you ask.

"It would have been pointless, I was blinded by Arthurs lies, and I thought it was my fault" he said. "I would have helped you Alfred, I do care" you said.

He just nods; he then started to speak again. "It started off verbal, then physical and soon after that he-" Alfred broke off. you went silent.

I thought for a moment, and then came the horrible realization of what Alfred meant.

"He raped you, didn't he?" you felt bitter as the words left your mouth. When Alfred nodded slowly, you clenched your fist and tried to quietly take a deep calming breath. "A lot of the time, I just kept thinking ' this is my fault I let this happen'," Alfred admitted.

"So many times, I should have shut up, and not provoked him" he says.

"Don't you dare think it was your fault" you looked Alfred dead in the eye.

"That man is the only one to blame, whether or not you 'provoked' him, he should have never raised her fist to you, you don't hurt the ones you love, well not intentionally anyway," Alfred didn't speak for what felt like minutes.

"It's rather late, you should get home" he says. "Kicking me out?" you said, as you smirked at him, while standing up.

"What on earth gave you that idea?" Alfred leaned back against his pillows and smiles up at you. You smiled back, enjoying the happiness's you could feel from Alfred.

"Night Alfred." You waved leaving the room. Alfred waved back and went to reading his book. You happily strolled down the corridor and out of the exit, breathing in a sign of relief.

Alfred's p.o.v

I was trying and failing to concentrate on my book; I signed lightly and placed the book down on my lap. My friends made me feel comfortable, happy and safe; they made me forget all those bad thoughts, and voices that whispered to me in the back on my head. It was nice to feel sane again.

But every time (Y/N) and Gilbert left, the thoughts would come flooding back, they would just terrorize me constantly warning me about Arthur, I could never forget Arthur, and it made me shiver. But I did love Arthur, didn't I?

 **NO!**

I mentally cursed myself. Arthur. I had to love Arthur. Bu he had abused me for so long, that man wasn't my Arthur. The one, I had first met when I was in a shop, the one who I had woken up smiling to every morning, the one who ran his fingers through my hair whilst watching television on a Sunday afternoon.

No, this wasn't that Arthur. My heart ached, as I tried to forget him, I couldn't keep on living like this, I couldn't constantly get hurt and pretend to be fine, I never wanted to try and kill myself ever again.

I didn't want to be that desperate for a bloody escape! The thought terrified me, I tried to remember the day, I had tried to commit suicide, but I couldn't understand just what was going through my head, all I remember was feeling dark, collapsed and lost.

I also remember not being able to feel anything at all either, just absolute oblivion. I had spiralled right down, until I couldn't take anymore, and that was beyond frightening.

Death itself wasn't something to be scared of, it was just the thought of becoming nothing, the thought of Arthur winning, the thought of never meeting Gilbert and (Y/N) again. They were my only friends, at this moment in time, all I really wanted was to have them by my side, they made everything disappear, and they gave me confidence and courage.

(Y/N) and Gilbert were good people, and I didn't want to let them go, but I knew at some point they were going to leave me.

(Y/N) p.o.v

You were smiling contentedly, as you made your way back to Ludwig's house, you know that it took an hour to come here, and then go all the way back, but it was better than staying in a hotel room.

To say you were happy it was an understatement, Alfred made you happy, seeing him smile again, hearing his laugh again, and just being with him made you feel stupidly cheerful. You knew, you shouldn't be happy, Alfred is still not fully recovered, but he is doing so well, he is letting his feeling out.

But you still had to keep in my mind that Alfred was obviously very sensitive right now, and you had to be careful what you say.

Just as you was about to cross the road to reach the train station, you were pulled sideways into an alley, and shoved up against the wall by your coat collar. Once your vision became clear, you saw just who you expected it would be that bastard, Arthur.

"Arthur what a surprise" you say in a cheerful tone.

"Shut up you wanker" he spat, smacking your back against the wall again. You hissed in pain, and tried to struggle yourself free from Arthur death grip.

"Oh you want to fuck around you little bitch?" he smirked menacingly, before throwing you onto the ground. A groan of pain emitted from you, and your back hit the ground with so much force.

"Come on then, why aren't you acting all tough now?" Arthur tainted, kicking me harshly in your side.

"Motherfucker" you hissed painfully as Arthur landed another kick to your side. It wasn't hard enough to crack a rib but one more kick and it could be. Just as Arthur went to kick you again, you rolled over onto your side and jumped to your feet quickly, and then you swung your fist around connecting it with Arthur face.

The taller man stumbled back a few inches, and then you looked down at your fist, it had been a while since you have punched someone.

Arthur came forward to swing his fist at you, while you were looking down at your knuckles and suddenly you saw white for a few seconds, as you fell backwards, smacking your head forcefully on the concrete below.

You shook yourself back into action, as you pounced at Arthurs legs, forcing the other nation down as well. You climbed on top of him and punched him as hard as you could around his stupid face. You then grabbed Arthur's uniform and pulled him up so his bloodied face was inches from yours.

"Now you fucking listen to me, you waste of fucking space" you started to speak, you were breathing heavily and trying to keep your voice under control.

"You dare come anywhere near Alfred and I will end you. You understand that or do I need to repeat myself so your tiny fucking brain can comprend it?" Arthur just glared up at you as he could with his swollen eye; he then spat blood on your face.

You just rolled your eyes and punched him again before standing up and wiping the blood off your face.

"Don't say I didn't warn you" you say. As Arthur lifted himself to his elbows with a groan of pain, you felt quite satisfied with yourself as you walked away, back to Ludwig house so you could clean yourself up.

Once you returned to Ludwig house, you stumbled through the front door and groaned in agony, your entire body ached furiously. Carefully, you made your way to the bathroom and then you inspected your wounds on your face.

There was nothing too serious; you also knew that as soon as you saw yourself that you would be badly bruised for the next few weeks. You looked at yourself again, you had a cut and slightly swollen cheek from where Arthur had landed a very nasty punch, plus you had a bruised lip which had dripped blood down your neck and a forming black eye, which wasn't as bad as it could have been, but from your experience, you knew that it would get worse before it got better.

You decided to have a shower, and then get a coffee before going to bed. The fight had exhausted you, the fight had reminded you of the many fights you had gotten into in school, and you smiled at the memory. After you showered you went to sit down on the sofa.

That is when you saw Gilbert, what is he doing he should be sleeping? It is pretty late.

"Hey Gilbert" you say as you sit beside him. He looks up at you and you see the surprise and the look of worry on his face. Shit you had forgotten about the bruises on your face when you saw Gilbert.

What is he going to say? What are you going to tell him? He turned towards you and reached his hand out to touch your black eye and your split lip.

"What happened?" he says gently. You shake your head "it was nothing" you say as you hide your face with your hair. He must think you are ugly now; you must look disgusting in his eyes. You were about to rush downstairs until Gilbert grabbed your wrist, pulling you back down onto the sofa.

"Please tell me what happened?" he says softly as he pulls a strand of your hair over your ear. Then he looks you in the eye. You could see the worry and love in his eyes. You might as well tell him, there is no point keeping lies between us. Keeping lies breaks a relationship up, and you didn't want you to split up again, those days were the worst days of your life. You turn away and face the floor.

"I was walking to the train station after saying bye to Alfred, and then Arthur came and he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall and started punching me" you say, you pause for a few seconds to see the look on his face, all you could see was the anger and you could see him clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Then I landed a few good punches and then I told him to never come anywhere near Alfred again" you said then you started to smile, "don't worry he looks worse than me" you say as he laughs too.

"I bet he does, you are one vicious girl, but you are my vicious girl" Gilbert says as he kisses you gently on your swollen lip. You flinch a bit as the pain hits you.

Gilbert pulls away and looks worried. "Are you alright, I didn't cause you any more pain did I?" Gilbert says. You shake your head. "You did nothing at all you idiot" you say as you lean in to kiss him.

Alfred p.o.v

 _I was walking out of the meeting room when I started to think about what happened yesterday. Kiku is dead, what am I going to do now? My life is over, how can I live without him? What is the point of living if he is gone?_

 _I was so lost in my thinking that I didn't see the man in front of me, and soon I bumped into him and we both fell to the floor, and he had cushioned my fall as I fell on top of him. I looked down to see England below me. He was looking up at me curiously, as I started to blush._

" _I'm so sorry," I said as I got off him and started to help him up. "It's all right you little idiot," he said as he brushed himself off. You were just about to start walking again when he stopped you by grabbing your shoulder. You turn around to face him, "yes?" you said._

" _I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner with me, and we can go anywhere… I will even go to McDonalds with you" he said as he stared to blush. "Why now?" I asked._

" _Because I have liked you for a while now, but you had Kiku so I never told you how I felt. But he isn't here anymore" he said as he smiled at me._

I jolted awake, breathing heavily. A flashback? The memory of when Arthur first asked me out? Of course it was. I sat up, feeling restless now. It was the longest sleep I had since I first came here and I did feel much better from it, but I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my chest as if something was wrong.

Why had I had that dream? Why did I feel as if something bad was going to happen? I wasn't superstitious but I couldn't deny how I felt. I sighed and leaned against the pillows. I thought about what would happen when I left here.

A nurse had come in earlier that morning and told me I was going to be discharged later this week. My little... outburst had set me back a few more days. I wasn't going to get my hopes up about escaping from Arthurs trap.

The only person that could help me was (Y/N) and Gilbert. But once they realize just what a pathetic mess I was, they would leave me, of course they would, Arthur was the only person that I had and he was the only person who would take me back. I needed Arthur. I looked down at my closed fists, everyone was better off without me.

In a couple of hours when it was the morning and the sun was shining through the window, I saw (Y/N) walk into the room with Gilbert.

"Morning" she smiled at me as she spoke. I was surprised when I saw the bruises on her face. "What happened?" I ask. She looked at Gilbert and turned around to face me. "It was nothing you need to worry about" she says. I knew as soon as she had walked in it was Arthur.

"It was Arthur wasn't it?" he sighed as she nodded at me. "Yes it was Arthur, but don't worry, I think I have scared him off" she says, "you can't scare him off" I scoffed. "He doesn't scare easily" I say.

"I'll take as many hits as possible to stop him from hurting you" she says sounding like she actually means it.

"So would I" Gilbert says. I looked at them, as I thought. "Why?" I asked. "You don't deserve to be treated that way, people like him are scum" she says. I paused and looked at her. "Thanks you" I say finally. She smiles at me. "

You don't need to thank me, it's the truth" She replied.

"You are leaving here sometime this week, aren't you?" She asks. I nod. (Y/N) paused and then looked at Gilbert, and then back at me. "You can come and stay with us" She says. "I don't know, what about Arthur?" I say.

"You will not stay with him anymore, and I won't take no for an answer, you are staying with us" (Y/N) says.

"Okay..." I say, as I let a smile spread across my face.

-'

 _England: "I could have easily beaten her, she can't be stronger then Great Britain and if I was in my pirate days, she would stand no chance" *crosses arms and huffs*_

 _America: *lands kiss on his cheek, causing Arthur to blush* "I know you would have bet her old man, but would you really have wanted to, she is just a girl babe"_

 _Me: "what do you mean she is just a girl? What are you suggesting?"_

 _America: "I didn't mean it in a bad way, I just meant that she is just not as strong" *shaking hands trying to explain himself*_

 _Me: "weaker? Not as strong?"_

 _America: "I change my words, she is really strong and no weak and really pretty. Please don't kill me" *hinds behind Arthur*_

 _Me: *shakes head* "see what I have to deal with, well see you next time"_


	21. Chapter 21

_Me: "have fun reading as usual, love you all my sweet fellow hetalians "_

(Y/N) p.o.v

The day Alfred was released from the hospital was a day that you had waited for so long to happen. You strolled into the hospital and opened the door to Alfred's room. Gilbert must have stopped by before you, and had obviously given Alfred some clothes, seeing as Alfred was standing before Gilbert, dressed and giving Gilbert a nervous smile.

"You ready?" You ignore the look that Gilbert gives you, and then you smile at Alfred who returned your smile.

"Yes," Alfred says, as he picks his bag of clothes up. "Thank you, (Y/N)" he says, as he follows you out of the hospital room. "Why?" you ask, as you both walk through the double doors, with Gilbert but he wasn't talking as usual.

"For helping me and not leaving me" he says, as he smiled again. "You don't need to say thanks; I would have done anything for you Alfred. You are my friend" you say. You took Alfred's bag, before he could argue against it.

After that you say a few words to the receptionist, and then you signed Alfred out of the hospital. You had a car waiting out in front of you. You didn't want to make Alfred use the train, it was also raining, and he hated the rain.

"So are you sure Germany and Italy are ok with me staying over?" Alfred commented, as he climbed into the car, with Gilbert. You closed the door and walked around and entered the car, and sat down onto the driver's seat.

"They are lovely they will love you so don't worry" you say, as you start the car, and run your hand through your hair.

Alfred hesitated before speaking, "are you sure about me staying with you?" He says. "Of course I am" you frowned.

"What makes you say that?" you ask.

"It's... well I'm broken, and I don't want to be a burden" he says quietly. You shook your head. Oh Alfred, you thought sympathetically.

"I'm broken too" you say, as you smiled. "And you certainly won't be a burden to me" you hear Alfred and Gilbert chuckle softly. You look at the mirror in the car, and you saw Gilbert smiling at you.

You just wanted go to Gilbert and give him a kiss. You needed to be careful though, Alfred was vulnerable and you didn't want to do anything with Gilbert, in front of him as it may, make him feel uncomfortable. You parked the car outside Ludwig's house, and opened the door to let Alfred step inside.

Alfred p.o.v

Ludwig's house was lovely; it had a welcoming sense to it, which made me feel completely safe, just like (Y/N) and Gilbert did. It was spacious and bright, and must be at least a couple of years old.

There was a picture frame on top of the fireplace, and I smiled as I approached it. I saw the that the main focus of the picture was Gilbert and (Y/N) smiling together but I could see myself in the seat behind them on that roller-coaster, I saw my face screaming in the picture, I see my hand around Kiku, and the look I was giving him. He was so handsome; he must be so disappointed in me, wherever he is.

"Sorry that the place is a bit untidy, somebody would have cleaned it, but we don't have the time." (Y/N) says, as she was stepping through the front door. I spun around from the photos.

"Do you remember this? It was so much fun" I blurted out, as I held the photo. As soon as I said it, I felt like hitting myself a million times over, why I would say that? Even though it was a good memory, it was a memory of our dead friends, because it held the faces of Russia and Japan.

(Y/N) paused, and had a sad look on her face before she smiled and walked forward, picking up a picture frame and looking at it. "Yes I know" she says, as she put the frame back on top of the fireplace with a sad smile.

Gilbert walked up the stairs with my bag, and put it in the guest room. He had told me, that I could get the rest of my stuff back tomorrow. He said he would be with me, so that I would feel safe, just in case Arthur was there. I was so grateful for these two amazing people. I smile, as I entered my new room, as soon as I saw the bed, I collapsed onto it and then I fell fast asleep.

(Y/N) p.o.v

It has been a week since Alfred had moved in, and you could not have felt happier. You were right; you knew that Alfred would help make this house feel more homely. You learned a lot about Alfred, stuff that you never even knew about him. He also told me how he met Arthur, and how that twat first asked him out, it was when he was vulnerable and hurting right after Kiku's death.

You didn't want to ask but the curiosity had gotten the better of you. Alfred seemed to trust you a huge amount that he no longer flinched at loud noises, or every time you stood up, stretched or even passed by Alfred.

One thing had happened that had made you feel anger rising in your body was when…

Alfred was making you and himself some coffee, when he dropped a mug. You had quickly gotten up to see if he was all right, and then Alfred had apologized so many times that you had lost count, then he proceeded to say how useless and idiot he was, when you had told him it was all okay.

You had to grab him by his arms, look him dead in the eyes and tell him you weren't angry, and he was going to be safe. It made your blood boil, Arthur had caused this and that was the most sickening thing.

(Few hours later)

You sighed, as you saw Dean shoot another silver bullet with his gun, killing a vampire. You continued to watch another episode of supernatural that Alfred really seemed to enjoy. "

What are you signing about?" Alfred said turning to face you. "Nothing" you say not returning Alfred's look.

"Tell me" he says with a smirk. "Or I swear, I will tickle you until you tell me" he says. "Okay. Okay. Don't tell Gilbert, but I watch this show only for the damn hot actors" Alfred gawped, and looked back at the TV screen.

"What hot actors, these all look like ugly 80 yr old's!" He says, and then he gets a pillow to cover himself, as you give him a shocked look, then you get your own pillow, and hit him with it.

"Shut up" you say, as you throw the pillow at his face. "It's true" he said with a cocky smile. You chuckled and shake your head as you stood from the sofa.

"I am going to the shop to get some bird food. Do you want to come?" You ask. Alfred seemed to consider this.

"All right" he said, as he stood up too. "But I am not helping you hold the bags" He says, as he grins at me. "You are the strong one" he says while laughing at you.

When you left the house, you zoned out, smiling away and nodding at whatever Alfred was saying. You were thinking about Gilbert, what was he doing now? We were fifteen minutes from home, taking backstreets and shortcuts, before Alfred stopped speaking and froze.

You stopped and gave him a quizzical look. "What's wrong?" you ask feeling worried now, was he having a panic attack.

"Oh fuck me" you heard the voice and then you rolled your eyes, feeling anger boiling inside of you; you turned to see Arthur crossing the empty road. "You two hitting it off" he shouts out. You stood between Arthur and Alfred.

"Fuck off" you say. "Having fun?" Arthur ignored me, and leaned in as close as he could to Alfred, with me in the way. "Yes, actually" Alfred replied quietly.

"I'm really happy for you" Arthur sneered, "knew you were nothing but dirt, but to fuck me over for this" he gestured to me and then you just laughed at what he was suggesting. "Fuck off or I will make you" you say again.

"Want to say that again?" Arthur shouted taking the front of my jacket in his fists. Suddenly Arthur stumbled backwards, his mouth agape in shock with a trickle of blood coming from his mouth.

"I don't know whether this is news to you, Arthur" Alfred spat out his name. "But you aren't in control of me anymore" Alfred snarled. You stood there with wide eyes, all you saw was a fist fly towards Arthur mouth, it had happened so fast.

Arthur seemed the most shocked as he stared at Alfred, mouth still slightly open. You could see the blood in between his teeth, and covering his tongue. That must have been a powerful punch. Arthur spat at the ground and ceased his face in disgust.

"You will come crawling back. He will get sick of you Alfred" Alfred scoffed. Suddenly Alfred grabbed your arm and we walked away, his jacket flapping dramatically behind him.

When you both were far away enough, Alfred turned to you with a small smile that made you laugh. "I bet that felt good" you say.

You were so proud of Alfred. You honestly thought, Alfred would take a long time trying to recover from the psychological effect of abuse, but as it turns out, Alfred had already faced and defeated his demons. It was incredible.

"You sure you are okay" you say. "Definitely" Alfred smiled, and put his hands in his jacket pockets. You chuckled and felt a rain drop on your face, and you sighed heavily.

"I hate the rain" you say. "It's only a drizzle" Alfred says as he laughs.

(15 minutes later)

"It's only a drizzle" you quoted Alfred as you stood under a doorway as the rain thundered and poured down; Alfred let out a short laugh and looked out at the rain.

"At least we found shelter" he says. "We should have found it sooner, we are both soaked" you looked down at your jacket and back up at dripping locks of hair from Alfred.

Alfred looked as me, and you felt your heart seem to race, what is happening? There was a silence before Alfred broke the eye contact, and looked out into the rain.

"Maybe we should catch a cab?" He says breathlessly.

You both stepped out and started walking to the main road, before you were stopped by a hand on your shoulder; you turned around a warm pair of lips met yours.

Hands were on your cheeks and you froze. You were leaning into the kiss, until you realized that…

ALFRED JONES WAS FUCKING KISSING ME IN THE FUCKING RAIN.

You both broke apart suddenly, and you could immediately see red appearing on Alfred face along with a smile.

"SHIT..."

 _England: "I can't believe you kissed her, I thought you loved me! I knew I shouldn't trust someone who is immature and young like you" *crosses arm, sad smile*_

 _America: "Babe, it's a story! It didn't actually happen; I love you too much to ever cheat on you. How would I live without you tea and sexy eyebrows" *Alfred said as he teased the older man by stroking his eyebrows*_

 _England: *blushed* "not here"_

 _*America grabs England's hand and takes him away to do…*_

 _Me: "well that was interesting but see you next time"_


	22. Chapter 22

Me: "have fun reading as usual"

(Y/N) p.o.v

It has been 3 days since the kiss, and you both still haven't talked about it. You don't know what to say, or what to do. You can't tell Gilbert, because he will blame Alfred and then get angry at him, and this could cause Alfred to get scared, and have a panic attack.

You have been trying to ignore the topic, when Alfred tries to talk about it; you walk away, or change the topic. Now Alfred doesn't even mention it anymore, and everything has gotten back to normal.

"Good morning babe" Gilbert yawns as you both smile at each other. "Good morning too" you say, as you yawned and then you felt Gilbert stroking your hair, you leaned into the touch.

Mornings were perfect with Gilbert, waking up to see his face was so relaxing. Sometimes you would have a bad dream about the Russia, and you would wake up suddenly to find yourself wrapped in blankets, and Gilbert arms around you.

Alfred p.o.v (hours later)

What have I done, why did I kiss her? I felt like hitting myself over and over again, how I could have been that stupid? She is with Gilbert; she would never have liked me in that way. I am so stupid.

What if she leaves me or gets mad at me? I don't think I could handle her being angry at me. We should talk about what happened, but whenever I try to; she walks off or changes the subject. She acted like nothing happened, she was still nice to me and was still a good friend, but something felt different.

Suddenly I could hear a buzzing coming from the bedside table, but I decided to ignore it. I drifted into another sleep until the buzzing continues, so in frustration I sat up and reached for my phone.

Looking at the caller ID, I felt a brief twist in my stomach. Why was Arthur calling me, what does he want? The phone continued to vibrate as I held it; I was staring down at the screen for what seemed like forever.

It finally stopped; I was still staring at the phone in my hands, anxiety slowly rushing over me, which was an unfamiliar feeling to me. I jumped slightly, as I felt someone's hand on my arm.

"Are you alright?" I hear someone say. I turn around to see (Y/N), what is she doing in this room? And how does she know that I was feeling a bit upset, about Arthur trying to call me?

"I'm fine" I said quickly placing the phone back on the table. I could feel (Y/N) staring at me, expecting a decent explanation. "It was nothing, just my brother checking up on me" I lied to her. She gives me a questionable look. "Does he know?" She asks.

I shake my head, before she could say anything else. I start talking to her. "Why are you here?" I ask. "It is late noon, and you were still sleeping so I thought I would wake you up, and get you some breakfast" She says.

"So get up" she says, as she claps her hands. "I don't have to move, I'm ill" I say, as I groaned and fell back against the mattress. "Oh really, awww poor you. There is only one solution for this" she said softly.

"I know plenty of sleep" you say sleepily.

"Yes that and… You then have to take some medicine" she says, with a laugh knowing that I detest the stuff. I paused, "actually I'm feeling much, much better." She snickers, and then helped me up from my bed, and helps me go downstairs. I lay on the couch, while she makes me some breakfast.

(Y/N) p.o.v

"Here is your breakfast, now eat up, even though it is 15:00" you say, as you place the piece of toast by him. You turn around to see Oscar hiding in a cupboard. How the hell did he get there, that sneaky fellow?

You opened the cupboard and suddenly things began to fall out of the cupboard. Alfred laughed as you walked towards it.

It made you jump to hear the full blown laugh from Alfred. "Oh shut up" you say, as you smiled and looked down at the books, pens and some tablets spilled out over the floor.

You signed and bent down to pick them up, Alfred stood up and stated to help me, but you saw the way he froze, when his hand covered the bottle of aspirin.

He recovered quickly and picked it up, placing it on the table while saying nothing. You wanted to speak, but you didn't know what to say. It wasn't that you were scared of Alfred overdosing again, well... you worried that something might trigger him to do it again; you never fully recover from something like that.

For a moment, you wondered briefly if you shouldn't be keeping so many tablets with Alfred around, however you knew that Alfred would notice straight away, if you were keeping pills away from him. You didn't want him to feel like you didn't trust him.

Suddenly you hear a door creaking, and when you walk towards the sound to see what it is, you find out that the front door is open and Oscar had escaped.

Shit, he is still young. He could get hurt or eaten.

"Alfred I need to go, I'll be back in a bit." you shout to Alfred, as you grab your coat and walk out the door. As you leave you think about Alfred. You hope he is going to be alright.

Alfred's p.o.v

(Y/N) had left quickly of course she would, she saw me hesitate when I saw the pills, and she shouldn't have to deal with my pathetic emotions.

I remember the feeling of the darkness swallowing me up when I had overdosed the amazing feeling of being... free, expecting death but waking up in a while room with nurses everywhere.

When I had seen those tablets, I had never recoiled so badly in my life, to just burn myself alive, to rip my own skin of at just the thought of the memory of me wanting to take my life.

The tablets were a reminder of the distant me, the one who got pushed and shoved, punched and kicked, raped just cause I wasn't good enough.

Right now I was sitting on the sofa, cold coffee in my hands, wondering when the thoughts of suicide would cloud my mind again. This would always happen whenever I felt a bit of happiness, I would always feel worthless.

I felt so unimportant and like a burden. (Y/N) and Gilbert did help make the feelings disappear, not all of it but most of it; I had a reason to be happy, to feel as if I was worth something.

I couldn't help but ignore the compliments that they would say.

'Strong... Amazing... Fantastic... Extraordinary.'

This was the complete opposite of what I thought. The weeks, months or even years to come of recovery were going to be difficult, but I knew with help, I will be fine. The fear that I felt, was now from my own mind, basically meaning I was scared of myself.

Unstable would be the word I would use to describe myself.

(Half an hour later)

I wonder what Arthur is doing right now. Has he already forgotten about me and has someone else to play with now? Or is he going back to his old hobbits? I thought I had helped him, when he was with me he had stopped taking the drugs. But I suppose now that I have left him, he is back to his old habits.

 **Stop it Alfred.**

 _Stop what._

 **Stop thinking about Arthur he is your past and your friends are your future.**

I look up at the old clock on the wall and I count the minutes that it has been since (Y/N) has walked out the door to find her bird. I think that was just an excuse she told me; she just needed to have some time away from me.

It has been half an hour since (Y/N) has left to find Oscar, why hasn't she returned by now, is she okay? My thoughts get interrupted, when I hear someone walking through the front door. I turn my head to see Gilbert walking past me; he gives me a meaningless smile before walking into the kitchen.

Why has he been ignoring me? Why won't he talk to me? He should know how I am feeling, he had been abused by his father, but I suppose he still hasn't told anyone but me that fact. We used to be so close, now look at us? He knows how lonely and useless I feel.

We used to be the best of friends when we were younger, we used to hang out and have a laugh together all the time. I even remember one time when I had just broken up with childhood crush and he was the one who had comforted me and made me laugh. But now he is just acting cold and distant. Was it something I did?

Have I changed that much? Does he feel like I am too repulsive to talk to? I miss our talks. I want our friendship back, I knew that I didn't deserve to be friends with him, due to what I did, but I wanted to try. Maybe he has found out what happened between me and (Y/N)? I need to know.

"Am I repulsive?" I ask him, as he returns from the kitchen with an beer in his hand. "Why would you be repulsive?" He asks, with a frown on his face. I feel a hint of happiness, when I hear him speak to me.

This was the first time he has spoken to me in days. "You didn't answer my question" I said, as I narrowed my eyes. "You didn't answer mine" he says, as he takes a drink from the bottle.

I signed, and waited for him to answer. I wanted an explanation to why he has been ignoring me. I guessed that he wasn't going to reply. The next voice I heard wasn't mine or Gilbert.

"You are not repulsive, you are beautiful and one of a kind" I hear someone say. I turn around to see (Y/N) standing behind me with a bird in her hands. It must have been raining outside, as her hair was dripping with rain. I just shake my head and cross my arms.

(Y/N) p.o.v

You walk through the house with your hair dripping with water; if you knew it was going to rain you would have brought an umbrella.

You were confused at why the front door was open, which was strange.

"Am I repulsive?" you hear Alfred say in the distant, he was having a conversation with Gilbert. You continue to listen, until you hear Gilbert stop talking, so you decide to step in.

"You are not repulsive, you are beautiful and one of a kind" you say, as you step into the living room. "You don't need to lie" he says, as you watch Gilbert make an uncomfortable expression towards you.

You indicate for him to go downstairs and he does. You knew that Gilbert was not good at talking about his feeling to his friends, so you let him walk away.

"I am not lying, and I don't want to talk about this," you say, as you sat down beside him.

"Why, are you reminded of how damaged I am?" He spat out.

You swallowed hard. "No-no, what the hell are you saying?" you ask.

"It's obvious enough" Alfred remarked quietly. "Not obvious enough for me" you say.

"I knew that sooner or later you would-" Alfred suddenly went silent, his eyes were averted from your gaze.

You waited for him to continue to speak, but nothing came, just the empty silence between us. What was he talking about? Sooner or later you would what? Leave him? If that was the case, then Alfred didn't know you that well.

This was hard for Alfred, there were things that were nailed into his brain that Arthur made him think, like everyone would leave him alone.

"Alfred, when you were in hospital, I never wanted to leave your side, I wanted to just wrap you up and take you away from everything. I still want to know, and I reckon that the feeling will never change, I am sorry if I am protective but that is what friend do. I will never leave you."

It took a few moments for Alfred to finally look at me, the silence was so unbearable, that you just wished he would say something, even if it was to tell you to shut up or go away.

Well you hoped that wasn't what he would say, but anything was better than this. Alfred's gaze was heavy, you couldn't quite establish what he was thinking, and his face was blank.

Then suddenly you were caught in an embrace, it took you a few seconds to realize that Alfred had wrapped his arms around you, and had pulled you close.

You didn't know if you should return the hug, it could give him the wrong idea... But you looked at him and saw his sad face, you slowly returned the embrace, wrapping your arms gently around Alfred's slim figure and slipping a hand through his hair.

Nothing was said and even though the silence would have been considered odd before, it was now comforting for you, knowing that nothing more needed to be said.

 _America: "It's not true is it Gilbert, you weren't really abused by your father were you, It is just a story after all" *laughs it off*_

 _England: "yeah as If that could happen, Gilbert would have told someone if it did happen" *places hand around Alfred's waist*_

 _Gilbert: "shut up! You don't know anything ok!" *runs out of room*_

 _America: "No fucking way!"_

 _England: "No fucking way!"_

 _*Both run after him*_

 _Me: "why is it, I am always left here alone. Oh well, see you next time amigos"_


	23. Chapter 23

_Me: Maybe I should get Gilbird and Oscar together what do you think? Or would It be to cliché? Oh well enjoy the chapter_

Alfred's p.o.v

It was a quiet morning and I had decided to go for a walk with Oscar and Gilbird before everyone was woke up, they looked like they wanted to go outside, but (Y/N) doesn't like it when they go alone because she is scared they are going to get hurt.

I wanted to do something nice for (Y/N), because she has done so much for me. I thought about all the things she has done for me, she was there for me when I needed her; she comforts me when I feel scared, and she makes me smile and laugh.

I was looking down at the pavement as I walked, but then suddenly I could hear Oscar pulling someone's hair and growling at somebody. Why was he barking at this stranger? I should apologize; I needed to apologize to him?

"I'm so sor-" I cut myself off when I looked up and saw that the stranger was Arthur. It was unlucky that I had crossed paths with Arthur, when I was walking down the road.

Arthur had stopped and stared at me, and god did he look awful. I eyed him, knowing the men was going to talk. I felt more confident now, than I did when I was with him before. I stood up a bit straighter, I wasn't going to be a coward and run away.

"Back to your old hobby's then?" I said. Arthur shoved his shaking hand into his pockets. I should have known that Arthur would go back to his old ways. He used to be a drug addict; heroin was not an easy drug to forget.

"Yes" he said. I should have just walked away, just stopped this conversation before it carried on and turned into something else. Arthur chewed his lips, fixating his eyes on me, after moments of looking around.

"I'm sorry" he says. His gaze was unusually heavy and it made me feel uncomfortable, there was something there, something I couldn't quite work out.

"I'm sorry for... for everything; I never meant to hurt you" he says.

"But you did anyway" I say, as I looked at the pavement.

"Babe?" Arthur's voice was so close; I looked up to see Arthur centimetres away from me.

"It hurts me to see you happy without me, that I'm not the one making you happy" he says. I couldn't speak, all I could do was just stare into his sorry eyes, seeing the guilt and regret in them.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me" he says his hand was suddenly on my shoulder and my skin tingled under his touch.

"I'm asking for another chance to prove myself."

NO.

I thought immediately, my sympathy turning into anger. "Are you joking?" I scoffed. "Months of abuse and you expect me to just come back to you?" Arthur signed, "It's not like that" he says. "No. It is and the answer is no" I say, as I pushed past him.

"You make me sick" I walked away, feeling more than proud and a little disappointed that I didn't punch him again.

"I see they haven't put you in your place then" he called after me.

"Just wait, yeah" he shouts. It's funny how he thinks that I and (Y/N) are together. I just ignored her; (Y/N) and Gilbert were different. But that didn't stop the small and yet intimating throb in the back of my mind.

I arrived to Ludwig house, the place that I now call home, as soon as I entered the house; I pulled (Y/N) into a hug and breathed in her scent.

(Y/N) was obviously confused at what I was doing, but none the less she returned the gesture. "Are you alright?" She asks me. "Yeah just went for a walk with Oscar" I muffled into her jumper. Her chuckle brought me down from my small spiral of panic.

Arthur words were circling me, the constant fear that that I had never wanted to admit to myself, or I did admit it, but did not ever think about it. I couldn't help but think that one day (Y/N) or Gilbert will hurt me; it wasn't a surprise I thought this way, after what Arthur had done to me. But it wasn't just the thinking; it was the waiting for it to happen that tore at me.

"So was Oscar a good bird?" She asked. I hummed in response. I didn't want to mention Arthur, it wasn't important at the moment, I didn't want to cause any more unnecessary stress for (Y/N).

"Are you going to let me go soon?" She asked, as she let out a laugh. "No" I say, as I squeezed her tighter. After a while, (Y/N) finally pushed me away and said with a smile.

"Go and sit down, and I'll make some tea" I wanted to protest but I decided against it, (Y/N) would think I am being clingy and weird. And I didn't want her to leave me; I didn't want to ruin this friendship.

(2 days later)

The paranoia had gotten worse over 56 hours. I tried to control it, tried not to let it show but it was always there, watching me, waiting for me to lose control. It felt horrific, just feeling so dark and revolting grasp, I just wanted to push all the feeling away, but I couldn't.

It wasn't just paranoia, there was the anxiety as well, and they were almost like best friends always together and waiting for me to be alone so they could strike. I breathed in sharply, staring at the mirror in front of me. I suddenly noticed how tired I was, I haven't had much sleep.

This was all pathetic; surely the past is the past, why won't everything just leave me the hell alone. The garden was the best place to break down crying, cause it was private, no one ever came here. Just think of (Y/N). I imagined (Y/N) talking and smiling at me, telling me it's going to be alright.

 **She's angry at you, you have pissed her off.**

 **She's sick and tired of you being dependent on her.**

 **She'll walk away from you the moment she stops feeling sorry for you.**

I signed loudly, while running my hand through my hair. These were the thought that constantly devoured me, the ones that chased me, and ripped me to piece. Why? Why am I so scared of Gilbert and (Y/N) sometimes? They wouldn't hurt me and I'm just sick of these thoughts, telling me that they would. Why can't my mind just shut up and leave me alone.

I left the garden before these dark thoughts attacked me again. I knew without (Y/N) and Gilbert by my side, I might not be able to handle this anymore. What would happen to me then? What would I become?

(Y/N) p.o.v (hour later)

You woke up in bed with Gilbert arm around you; you tried to remember if you had seen Alfred come home last night. You slowly got out of your bed while trying not to wake Gilbert up. You went into Alfred's room; you noticed that the covers actually hadn't been moved since yesterday, meaning that Alfred hadn't slept in it.

You made your way upstairs and into the living room. You peered inside, it was empty.

"Alfred?" You asked stepping through the door, and then you see that Alfred is in the kitchen.

"Didn't you sleep?" You asked, watching Alfred tip half a glass of water down the sink. Immediately your eyes went to the packet of pills on the side.

"I needed to think" Alfred croaked. He turned around to face me; he followed your gaze towards the tablets. You tried to look away and hide your thoughts. Did he take some? But everything was obviously shown on his face when Alfred looked back at you with a somewhat hardened expression.

"I had a headache."

"I had a headache, I took some aspirin" Alfred says.

 _"You took over thirty, you overdosed on aspirin."_

The memory made you shiver. "How many did you take?" you ask cautiously. "I only took one" Alfred's words were harsh and angry; he picked up the packet and tossed it to you.

"Take a look, if you don't believe me" he says. You caught it quickly, considering and soon fighting the urge to take a look inside. This wasn't about trust, this was about knowing just how low depression can get you, and it doesn't just go away. Alfred had been acting strangely recently, nothing too noticeable, but you saw it.

The fidgeting before Alfred went to his room, the mood swings and quick glances to you when you would watch movies. "No, I do believe you" you say, as you watched Alfred look away from you, he was obviously hurt from by your silent accusation.

"I'm sorry, I just... I just wanted to make sure you are okay" you say.

"I'm fine" Alfred said, as he looked at you defensively.

"But you are not!" you say.

"Don't tell me how I feel!" Alfred snapped, you put your hands up in defence.

"I'm not, I'm not" you spoke softly, before you could continue, Alfred signs loudly.

"Don't patronize me either! I didn't overdose, I'm not that unstable, I am well and truly one hundred percent FINE!" Alfred shouts.

You were silent, you didn't know what to say, and you just watched Alfred closely. What the hell had happened? He was doing so well.

"I'm sorry" Alfred said quietly after some silence. "It's just... I just..." He rubbed his temple. "I'm sorry" he repeats again. "It's alright" you started to say.

"You have been a bit on edge recently; I just wanted to know if there was anything... anything you wanted to talk about?" you ask. Alfred stared at you and it looks like he is thinking hard, then he finally speaks.

"I saw Arthur on Friday" he says.

You blinked not believing this. "You saw him, in what way?" you ask. "We crossed paths" he says, as he gives me a confused stare.

"What else do you think I meant?" he asks. "Nothing, never mind." you shook your head, dismissing the thoughts that you had. "Did he do something?" you ask, if he did then you will just murder him, world war 3 will happen.

"No, it just brought back some... Unwanted memories." Alfred looked away again. "Why didn't you tell me before?" you asked.

"I didn't want to upset you, I thought-" you interrupt him.

"You can never say anything to upset me; you can always talk to me. It is all fine" you say. You took hold of Alfred and said.

"All I want you to do is sleep, because you look exhausted" you say.

"Okay" he says, as he follows you into the living room. "Sleep here." you say as you get a blanket and lay it on the sofa.

He gives you a confused stare. "I think it is better than staying in that room," He nods and sits down. You leave him and return back upstairs to continue to sleep with Gilbert.

Alfred p.o.v (2 hours later)

 **Tick**

 **Tick**

 **Tick**

I felt like ripping my brain out through my eye sockets, that ticking just wouldn't stop. I was waiting, but for what? I didn't know, but I did know. I was waiting for (Y/N) to do exactly what Arthur had said, because she would eventually push me away, why shouldn't she?

 **Stop thinking that way; you know it's not true.**

 _It is the truth, face it._

 **Stop it.**

I was pulling at my hair as I paced the room impatiently, soon sitting back down on the sofa. I was supposed to be relaxing and sleeping. But I couldn't. I needed a distraction. I got up, and I started walking towards the kitchen.

Suddenly I feel a pain in my foot. I must have stepped on something, then I suddenly lost my balance, I fell over. My foot caught on a small lip in the floor, where it had cracked previously and prevented me from taking another step, I tried to hold on to something.

My hand clasped something and it hit the floor. I was confused and didn't know what had happened, until I was half way to the floor and my body had already dragged my hands up in front of my face to protect me. My stomach churned over and I felt sick for this brief moment.

My hands grazed along the floor and skin tore from them and pain screamed through my palms in a horrible sting, my head bumping my arm shortly after-wards. I felt dizzy and had a headache from the trauma of my head jerking so suddenly and my hands stung less than I first though, but upon inspection I found them to be bleeding and covered with blood.

 **SMASH!**

I froze, feeling my blood freeze along with my body. My eyes travelled down to the smashed picture frame on the floor. The face was down, but I knew what was underneath the glass. I could see the picture of me and japan also Prussia and (Y/N), where the picture had once stood.

 **"Just wait yeah?"**

Arthur words circled my mind. The deep paranoia that had been building up in me, the anxiety, the panic, the pinching, and the sickening twists in my stomach smacked me at that moment.

"Alfred, I heard a noise, are you-" (Y/N) walked into the living room, I swallowed hard and got ready for (Y/N) to lose it.

(Y/N) p.o.v

You were suddenly awoken by the sound of a crash. You look over to Gilbert and see that he is still fast asleep. He is a heavy sleeper. You panicked when you heard the smash. You quickly got out of bed and quietly walked downstairs and rushed into the living room.

"Alfred, I heard a noise, are you-" You stopped. Your eyes moved from Alfred to the picture on the floor, and you felt your mind go distant. Your picture! You thought while looking at the glass.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" Alfred whispered, breathlessly.

You didn't quite hear him though, you darted over to the broken picture frame, kneeling down and turning it over to slip the picture out. You could feel something clawing at your head, it was telling you to fix this, but how? You didn't know! You stood up and immediately saw Alfred violently recoil from you, putting his arms up in defence like a shield.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to- I'm sorry" Alfred voice held a completely different emotion, something heavy with guilt... And fear.

You went to touch his arm, but Alfred flinched, his eyes downcast. "I'm not going to... Alfred I would never..." You felt yourself break into a thousand pieces. He closed his eyes. "Come here" You whispered, gently taking Alfred's hands and guiding him into a hug.

You could feel Alfred relax. "I'm sorry" Alfred said again, his head buried into your neck. You shook your head. "Don't be, I am not going to hurt you" you whispered again, stroking your hand through Alfred's hair.

It dawned on you, that you weren't wasn't able to protect Alfred from everything, the dark thoughts of the paranoia; it could take years for Alfred to realize that the violence was his past and not his present, even if he said he was fine, he wasn't.

"I would never hurt you." There was no reply, no indication that Alfred even heard you, but that was fine. You could tell Alfred that every day, if you had to. You would do anything to keep him safe.

You both had stayed sitting on the floor for ten minutes, until you noticed that Alfred had fallen asleep. You carried him and laid him on the sofa, he was so light, was he eating properly? Alfred head was laid on your lap and he was sleeping.

You didn't move, as you were afraid that he would wake up again. This was the first time Alfred has slept soundly in a while. You sat there for hours stroking Alfred's hair as he slept. You just sat there deep in thought; you almost shuddered at the memory of how badly Alfred had recoiled from you.

The actual fear that you had seen, made you realize that this was not going to go away on its own. It was hard seeing someone you care so much about, practically sob apologies at you for something that wasn't their fault, it really hurt.

The thought of how bad the abuse was haunting you, knowing the only good thing you could do, was to hold Alfred and tell him everything was going to be alright. Maybe you are not enough for Alfred? Maybe he needs more friends. You could get everyone to hang out with Alfred.

You then feel Alfred stir and then open his eyes, you see the fear.

"I'm sorry, for-" He starts to say. "Don't be sorry" you say, as you interrupt him.

"I'm not angry at all; well I'm not angry at you. I just want you to know that I will never ever hurt you" you say.

"I trust you; I know you wouldn't, but something... Something made me so... So paranoid, so scared that I would... I would make you angry, and you will then leave me" he says.

Alfred looked desperate, as if waiting for an explanation of your feelings, which you wouldn't give because I didn't even know how I felt.

You were at a loss for words. "I love you, and I mean those words I love you as a friend. You can push me out of a window, you can burn my clothes but I will never hurt you, never leave you and honest to god it wouldn't make me love you any less" you say, Alfred smiled and replies.

"You always know what to say, I love you too" he says.

Then you hear the voice, that you didn't expect to hear, the voice was filled with a quiet anger and a hint of... Jealousy.

"(Y/N) what are you two doing here?" Gilbert says, as he steps into the room.

 _Gilbird: "tweet tweet tweet"_

 _Prussia: "I know right, she is my girlfriend and here she is telling someone else she loves them"_

 _Oscar: "tweet tweet tweet"_

 _Prussia: "I do trust her; it's just that what I saw kind of explains everything doesn't it?"_

 _Me: *watch in surprise as Gilbert talks and somehow understands the birds speak*"well see you next time my lovely readers, don't forget to review because they brighten up my day, and a happier my uploads faster"_


	24. Chapter 24

Me: "enjoy, da?"

Gilbert p.o.v

I moaned from the tapping sun-light against my face, I wondered how long I'd been sleeping. I blinked, shut my eyes, and blinked again. I yawned, managed to fully open both eyes. I stretched my arms, and started to get up.

I looked around the room, and noticed that that something seemed off. I looked at my clock, and realized that the time was 6:23 in the morning. I turned around in bed and noticed that I was alone, where was (Y/N)? Where could she be so early in the morning? I yawned again, before I got up and sent a text message to (Y/N).

 _Hey babe just woke up alone, where are you? Love from Gilbert xxx_

I press the send button, and then I just put my phone back down. As soon as my phone was on the desk, I heard a beep. It wasn't from my phone, I went towards the sound, and then I saw (Y/N)'s phone on the floor.

She would never have left the house without her phone; she must be in the house. I didn't need to worry about (Y/N) she will be safe.

I lay back down, and started to think about everything that had been happening. I thought about (Y/N) and mine relationship. Why was she always never with me? She is always with Alfred. I don't even know why I felt so jealous? I shouldn't. I trust (Y/N), and she would never cheat on me. She loves me, doesn't she? She hasn't said 'I love you' for days.

Also why am I ignoring Alfred? We are friends aren't we? We used to have so much fun together. Why is it, I always feel tongue tied when I talk to him? I kind of know how he feels; my dad had hurt me, even though I thought I loved him.

It's just that when I see Alfred, the pain in his eyes, it reminds me of what I had gone through. It brought back my memories. Memories I didn't want to remember, so then whenever I see him, I just walk away or try not to look at him.

(Y/N) notices how I feel, so she lets me leave the room, but I don't know if I should. Alfred used to be one of my best friends. I am going to try and become a better friend. I need to ignore my painful memories, and help Alfred through this hard place that he is in.

I get up from the bed and start walking towards his room. I will start by apologizing for the way I have been acting, since I saw him in that hospital bed.

I knock on the door, waiting for Alfred to say anything. He doesn't reply, so I slowly open the door to see if he is sleeping. When I peeked inside, I see that the bed is empty and hasn't been slept in. I am confused, where is Alfred? I look in the bathroom and the extra spare room, and I still couldn't fine Alfred or (Y/N). I think that maybe he is in Wests room.

I open the door into Wests room, and see something I wish to forget. Suddenly I get hit by a black slipper. "OW" I say, as I rub my sore spot. I look at Ludwig, and he starts to whisper to me, with his arm around Feli.

"Shhh... Go away he is sleeping" he says with his finger against his lip. I nod and walk away. Maybe Alfred had stayed at some other person's house, for the night. I need to talk to (Y/N). I walk slowly down the stairs, I suddenly hear someone talking.

"... You can push me out of a window, you can burn my clothes but I will never hurt you, never leave you and honest to god it wouldn't make me love you any less" I hear (Y/N) say.

What is happening? Who is she saying 'I love you' too? I am so confused. Then I hear another voice start to speak. I gasp when I recognize the voice.

"You always know what to say, I love you too" I feel a tear fall down my face, as I remember (Y/N) saying, I love you to someone that wasn't me. I angrily wipe it away, as I open the door and see them.

(Y/N) was sitting on the sofa while stroking Alfred's hair and his head was on her lap. I feel red hot burning anger rushing over me, when I thought about what could have happened, for them to end up like this.

"(Y/N) what are you two doing here?" I spat out.

Suddenly Alfred sits up and faces me with such fear and terror in his eyes. When I see the pain and emotions in his eyes, I look away. I start walking towards them, but I stop when I see Alfred violently recoil away from me.

Does he think I was going to hurt him? I am really angry, and I do feel betrayed, but even I know I would never lay a hand on any of my friends. I need to take in to hand, how vulnerable he is right now. I need to calm down. Suddenly I feel a hand on my arm.

I turn around to see (Y/N) facing me with a sad look in her eyes.

"It's not what it looks like," She says. I don't know what to do. I should be able to trust her, but it feels like she is lying to me. I need to ask her, and sees how she answers. I hold onto both of her arms and look her dead in the eye.

"(Y/N) don't lie to me, and tell me truthfully," I say, as she looks back at me. "Has anything happened between you and Alfred that could be considered cheating, anything from a kiss to sex?" I say, as I wait for her to reply.

I look into her eyes waiting for her to reply. I see her eyes start to water, and then she looks away, in that split second I see the guilt in her eyes. I squeeze her wrists tighter, and shook her to try and get an answer. "Please stop... You're hurting me" she says, as she still doesn't look at me.

"YES OR NO." I shout out.

She goes quiet and glances at Alfred, and then she nods. I let her go, and nod to myself. "I should have known" I say, as I start walking towards the front door.

"Please Gilbert don't go, she hasn't done anything wrong" Alfred says, to me in his voice. I stop and close my eyes, I will not turn around. I know that if I did, I might do something that I will regret. I ignore Alfred and walk out the door. I start walking away; maybe (Y/N) isn't following me because she knows I need to be alone right now, that I will need some space. Or it could be that she needs to stay with Alfred, and calm him down. I shake my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts I had in my head.

I needed a place to go; I think about my other friends that I have. The names that came to my mind were Francis and Antonio. Maybe I could stay at there's for today.

I rush to their house, and when I knock at the door, I know that I was a few minutes away from being close to tears. Francis opens the door with a smile, which changes to a concerned look when he sees the state I am in.

"Are you okay?" He asks, while letting me come inside. I turn around as he shuts the door. "No, I just don't know any more" I say, as I run upstairs into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me; I lean against the door as I slowly drop to the floor.

I let out all the tears, I have been holding in for so long. I remember the guilt I saw in her eyes, when I had asked her about if she had done anything with Alfred.

She admitted it to me. Is this how she had felt, when she had found out about Natalia? I feel so stupid for not noticing this before. What am I going to do now? I know I should forgive her, she forgave me, didn't she?

But what if she loves him, and doesn't want to be with me anymore? What can I do then?

(Y/N) p.o.v

"YES OR NO."

He shouts at you, as he holds your wrist tightly. When you don't reply to his question he shakes you. What are you supposed to do? Should you tell him? And if you tell him the truth, what would he do?

Gilbert looks deeply in your eyes trying to find anything; you can't handle his accusing glaze anymore. You look away and glance at Alfred. Alfred was looking like he has never been more scared in his life. He was clinging to the sofa, while looking at you.

You return your eyes back to Gilbert. You knew that if you nodded, he would think about the worst thing I could have done with Alfred. But it was only a kiss. But If you nod to him, then you can explain to him what happened.

You see the anger in Gilbert eyes as you move your head up and down. He pushes you away from him and then starts to nod to himself.

"I should have known" he mumbles to himself, before he starts walking towards the front door.

"Please Gilbert don't go, she hasn't done anything wrong" Alfred says, while facing Gilbert. Gilbert stops walking but doesn't turn around to face Alfred.

He just stays frozen for a few minutes. Then he just ignores Alfred and walks out the door. As soon as he leaves, you collapse onto the floor. Your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast.

You were crouched on the floor, you were trying not to make a sound but it hurt just too much to hold it all in, so you let out a cry that makes you seem weak but you didn't care. What else are you supposed to do; Gilbert has just walked out on you and hasn't even asked you to explain what has happened.

Alfred rushes to your side and tries to get me to stand up, but you don't even try to move. You just lay there ignoring whatever he is trying to do. Suddenly Alfred stops trying and back off.

Your head was in your hands so you couldn't see what he was doing until you heard him.

You lifted your head to see Alfred lying on the floor, in a foetal position. He was crying and sniffling. You could see his tears falling down his face. It made you feel an internal ache in your heart and you then had a longing to protect him against what he was feeling, even though you were the one who should be crying your heart out.

You shuffle over to him and you rest a hand around his small slim body. He was shaking so much from his crying, and you didn't know what to do.

"Alfred please talk to me, please just say something?"

You say as he looks up at you with his sorrowful eyes.

"I'm so sorry, I am so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen" he says in a small whisper as the tears continued to run down his face.

How should you comfort him?

"I am so sorry" he keeps mumbling it over and over again as he continues let out his tears. "It's okay it wasn't your fault, I should never have kissed you back. I should never have done anything" you say as you start crying all over again.

He suddenly raises his head and looks up at you.

"It is because I'm worthless; I don't deserve to be happy. Whenever I find anyone that loves me. I do something that makes them hate me" he says as he looks away from you.

"Of course you deserve to be happy. You aren't worthless, look at how many people love you and care about you. Even I love you and care about you. I don't hate you. I could never hate you" you say as he smiles up at you.

You start to stand up and walk towards the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" He says as he stands up too. You turn your head and just point for him to sit down.

"What do people do when they have had an argument with their boyfriend?" you ask him. You wait for him to reply, but he just gives me a confused look. You just give him a look that means you-really-don't-know-do-you. You just turn around and walk into the kitchen.

You return a few minutes later with two plates of mint and chocolate ice-cream and two spoons. He smiles as you both sit down on the sofa.

"How are you feeling?" He asks you, while looking at you with a concerned look. You just shake your head and then you start walking towards the TV, and then you grab the TV remote control.

"I don't want to talk about what has happened. Let's just watch a film instead" you say as you sit back down. You give him the remote control as you grabbed your bowl of ice cream. You place the spoon of the heavenly comfort food into your mouth as Alfred starts scrolling down all the movies on Netflix.

The ice-cream, it was sweet and refreshing at the same time. The savoury, delectable chocolate chips that seem to melt on your tongue and drive your taste buds wild with a side of a minty refreshing flavour that compliments the chocolate chips. Nice cold, smooth, addictive ice cream filling up in your mouth, making your teeth and cheeks cold, and is just sooo good.

"What about the movie boondock saints (or change it to your favourite movie)?" He says as a sly smile entered his face. You nudge his arm with your shoulder. "Hey, how do you know that is my favourite movie of all time?" you ask.

He just falls back into the sofa while saying nothing for a while. "I don't know maybe I can just read your mind" he says as he dips his spoon into his ice-cream bowl.

"Shut up and just press play" you say as you start getting comfortable. He just smiles and presses the button.

"This better be a good movie, because I haven't seen this yet" he mumbles with a big spoon of ice cream in his mouth. Suddenly you sit up and gasp. You just slap his back softly.

"What you haven't seen this before, OMFG you are in for a treat, you will love it. It is like the best movie ever, and don't get me started on the adorable Irish accents" you say.

Alfred starts choking, shit you must have slapped his back while he had ice cream in his mouth. You know that you should be helping him but just the sight of the ice-cream dripping down his face made you laugh.

After a while he stops choking and then you both start watching the movie. Two hours later and you have finished the film. "I think the film wa-" Alfred stats to say but you cut him off.

"Wait you can't say anything about the film until you have watched the second movie" you say.

"What there is a second movie" he groans as he says it. You ignore him and press play to start watching the second movie.

He groaned when you said there is another movie, but you could see it in his eyes he was excited. Two hours later, when the film is finished you turn around to face Alfred.

"So tell me what you think about the film. It was amazing wasn't it?" you say. He gives you a bored look.

"Well I think it was a pretty shit movie" he says as he smirks at you. You just give him a shocked face, and then you grab a pillow and smack it across his face.

"I was only joking, calm down (Y/N)" he says as he caught the pillow. "Ha ha that was so funny" you say sarcastically, but inside you were laughing your heart out.

"Wait it's my turn now" he says, you were about to ask him what he means but you suddenly feel a cold liquid dripping down your nose.

"What have you done?" you say as you see the empty tub of ice-cream in his hand. You then realize the stuff in your hair and on your face was the melted left over ice-cream.

"You bastard" you say as you wipe some of the ice cream off your face, and then you wipe it across his face.

You both look at each other and burst out laughing. You clutch your stomach, as it hurt from how much you were laughing. You were so happy, you nearly forgot about what had happened with Gilbert.

Suddenly you hear a front door open, Alfred and you both turn around to see Gilbert standing in the door way staring at the both of you.

Your heart shatters into piece as you look at him. He seems so broken and he looks so betrayed.

"Can we talk alone?" Gilbert says as he starts walking towards you.

"Sure" you say as you face him.

"Alfred can you please go to the cafe across the street, for a while? You don't have to-" Suddenly Alfred just rapidly nods.

"Sure (Y/N) I'll be at the cafe, can you come and get me when you have finished talking with Gilbert?" He asks me.

You nod and then you see him leave. You follow Gilbert upstairs. You sit down on the bed in your bedroom, and you just waited for Gilbert to start talking.

 _Gilbert: "what the hell was that white stuff all over her hair, she better not have just slept with him, in the living room"_

 _America: "it was ice cream you idiot" *hides behind England*_

 _Gilbert: "of course that's what you would say"_

 _Me: *watch them argue and I sign* "see you next time"_


	25. Chapter 25

_Me: "enjoy"_

(Y/N) p.o.v

"Can we talk alone?" Gilbert says as he starts walking towards you.

"Sure" you say, as you face him. You follow Gilbert downstairs. You sit down on the bed in your bedroom, and you just waited for Gilbert to start talking.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't trust you anymore. I don't hate you, I just can't believe that you turned into everything that you said you would never be" he says as he sits down beside you.

"Gilbert I swear it didn't mean anything, it was just a onetime thing" you say desperately trying to remove the look of sadness in his eyes.

"Well can you explain to me what happened between you...? Actually please don't tell me, I don't think I can handle it" he says as he looks away and starts staring at the floor. He starts twisting his thumbs, and it looked like he was trying not to burst into tears.

What does he think you did with Alfred? Does he think you slept with him? Is that why he is so sad? You shuffle closer towards Gilbert and take his hands into yours.

"Gilbert, me and Alfred-" You starts to speak, but you get interrupted by Gilbert.

He pulls away from you, and starts walking towards the open window. "(Y/N) I don't want to know... Please don't tell me. I don't think my heart would be able to handle it" Gilbert whispers, as he hands start to tremble. "Gilbert please listens to-"

"NO (Y/N)!" He shouts, as he turns around to face you with anger in his eyes. After a few minutes Gilbert seems to calm down and begins to play with a small bouncy ball on the floor. You walk towards him and look him dead in the eye.

"Gilbert listens to me. You don't know what happened, so let me at least explain what happened" you say as he nods at you.

"First can I ask you something?" You say as he nods in reply.

"What do you think happened between me and Alfred?" You say, as you see him start to tap his finger rapidly in the window sill.

"I think that what happened between me and Natalia might have happened between you and Alfred" he exclaimed. "Really Gilbert, you think I would do that to you" you chuckled.

"I would never sleep with another guy when I have you" you objected. "So what happened then? Why did you say yes when I asked you, if you cheated on me?" He croaked.

"We were going to the shops to get some bird food for Oscar when we suddenly came in contact with Alfred's abusive ex Arthur" you stated, while Gilbert stepped towards you and ran his hand through your hair.

"Then what happened? Did you hit him again like you did before" he smirked.

"No. Alfred punched him and then we walked away" you replied. "Yes then..." He asked. "Well it was raining and Alfred was feeling vulnerable I suppose... so then well one thing led to another and he kissed me" you answered as you looked up at him, he didn't look away like you thought he would have but instead he looked deep into my eyes.

This kind of reminded you of the time you told Ivan you hadn't slept with Gilbert, and then he seemed happy and then you had slept together. You tried to forget about that as you looked back at Gilbert.

"Did you kiss him back?" He inquired while tilting his head to the side.

"Yes... but it didn't mean anything... He was feeling vulnerable and confused about his feelings" you said. "Then what happened?" he asked expecting the worst.

"Nothing I stopped and then we went home and forgot about what happened" you said.

Suddenly you see him look a hint bit happier and not that much sadness was in his eyes. "So you didn't do anything else? It was only a kiss?" He says as he smiles.

"Yes, and I swear it didn't mean anything to me. The second it happened I regretted it, and I just thought about you" you stated. "But when I walked in, I heard you say you loved him" he said as he looked away sadly.

"Of course I did, I meant I loved him as a friend. I said it because he was feeling unloved and alone. You are the only boy who has captured all of my love, Gilbert"

You saw his smile for the first time in the last few days and it made you smile. Without even thinking, you grabbed his face in your hands, the warm flush of his cheeks burning against your palms. Gilbert perfectly shaped bottom lip quivered and you finally realized how hard this had to be for him. You kissed him then. His lips resisted at first and then you felt them melt into yours.

His rugged, strong hand reached up and tangled into your hair and you felt the rumble of a soft moan as he let his instincts take over. Tilting your head, you deepened the kiss and traced your tongue against the contour of his tender lips.

Gilbert lips parted then and you could taste his sweet tongue as he ran it across from yours. As quickly as it started it stopped. He pushed you away.

"It's too soon" a single tear rolled down his cheek. "I'm sorry" you say. "I know!" He shook his head and stormed away, leaving you speechlessly clinging to that moment.

"Pp-please wait" you shout out to him as you grabbed his wrist before he left the room. You stared at Gilbert as he gazed back at you; his eyes burning with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"(Y/N)," he whispered, his face was only inches from yours and the warmth of his breath lit you up like a candle. A rush of heat started in your chest and slowly spread throughout your body, reaching every last limb.

You could feel his eyes watching your every move, from the slight twitch of your lip to the way your shoulders rose and fell as you breathed.

He leaned forward slowly, his hand brushing the hair out of your face and in an instant his lips were on yours again. They were rough and smooth, they were perfect. He moved them around in circles and your heart swelled. His breathing was deep and loud in your ear. He moaned and so, you did too.

"So do you forgive me?" You say breathlessly as you both pull apart.

"Yes" he replies. "How can I ever stay mad at you? You forgave me so I forgave you. We can go through anything together" he says. He leans in for another kiss, but you rest your finger on his lips stopping him, when you saw the time on the small clock.

"I actually have to be going, now" you hesitantly said, not wanting to leave one bit, but knowing that Alfred would be all alone in the cafe, and it has been over 1 hour since you asked him to leave.

"Do you?" He raised an eyebrow, curving his palms around your waist and moving in. Your heart beating increased and your breathing faltered.

"Yes" you barely breathed out before his warm lips met yours. It only lasted for a moment before a gush of cold air greeted your lips again, causing you to frown.

"Why did you stop?" you asked impatiently. "I thought you had to go. But since you insist-" He lips returned to mine, but this time with more force. He managed to separate your lips and elongate the kiss. You lay your hand on his chest and push him away as you laughed.

"I need to go fetch Alfred he is still at the cafe" you exclaimed, he grabbed your hand and lead you outside to the cafe that was opposite us.

"I will come with you" he said, as he was getting there. As soon as you both left the house, you saw Alfred sitting at a table but he wasn't alone. You stopped walking.

"Shhhh Gilbert stop" you said quietly.

"Why? What-" He asked, but then he stopped talking, when he saw you pointing your finger at Alfred. He smiled as he saw the boy chatting and smiling with Alfred. "Awww that is adorable, good friends would leave him alone to have fun with his new boy" you say, as you smirked at him.

He smiled as he got the same idea that you had, "but we are not good friends are we?" He said as he took your hand and then he started running towards Alfred.

"Hey Alfred who is your new boyfriend?" Gilbert says very loudly, as you both watch Alfred go a bright shade of red.

"He isn't my boyfriend. I have just met him" he said as he looked at the floor shyly. You and Gilbert grab a chair from another table and put it next to Alfred.

"Please don't-" he stops talking as he realizes we weren't going to listen to him. "Hello my name is (Y/N) and this is my boyfriend Gilbert" you say as you smile at the new boy brightly.

"Hi my name is Mathew" he says as he looks at Alfred. You could see that he had a thing for him. "So tell us a little about you, Mathew" you asked.

"I love bears but my last pet died" he says, you saw the flash of pain in his eyes before it disappeared to be replaced with a smile. You felt like you had to try and cheer him up.

"Well Mathew do you want to know some funny stories about Alfred, as his friends we have plenty" Gilbert starts to say as he nudges Alfred.

"Oh no, no, no, (Y/N), tell him" Alfred whines to you. You just shrug your shoulders indicating you couldn't do anything.

"Did you know once we went to a pub and Alfred here got a bit drunk and decided it was a good idea to start singing, he went to the stage when suddenly he tripped and fell of the stage. It took me and the rest of his mates five long minutes to recover from laughing before we rushed over to help him up. Even the security guards and people were not-so-subtly laughing at him," you and Mathew burst out laughing as Gilbert finished telling the story.

"Guys you are embarrassing me" Alfred said, as he used his hands to hide his face. You all ignored Alfred's words as you continued to tell this new boy Mathew, all Alfred's stories. Then he gave his number to Alfred before we left to get back home.

 _Me: "I know that some people don't ship America/Canada but please just for this story forget that they are brothers or something, because I couldn't think of anyone else who could make Alfred happy again, because he has been sad for so long. Please forgive me"_

 _Canada: "how could you say that my pet, Kumajirou was dead?" *starts hugging the bear tighter*_

 _Arthur: "who are you?"_

 _Canada: *shakes head* "I'm Canada"_

 _Me: "don't worry I remember you, see you next time"_


End file.
